Snow!

So today we are supposed to get our first big snow storm of the year! I am so excited! I love the snow, and not just the first snow, but every snow. Whether it is just a few flurries, or a full out blizzard. I love the snow.

If I could bottle the magic of snow and keep it to use during days where I feel down, I would never be sad again. I guess that isn't real life, though. You can't blanket your ugly times with fresh snow.

Last Conversations

It is kind of funny how you have someone in your life for so long and you take that for granted. My cousin is leaving for basic training in a few days he is having a going away party on Saturday, that I probably won't be able to make it to, so on Christmas day we spent the day with that side of the family and I got to have an amazing conversation with my cousin who is leaving.

I am not sure when I am going to be able to talk to him again, but our last conversation was so perfect. I am glad we got to share that moment alone. What we talked about isn't as important as the fact that we have got to have a moment. I don't know if it was as important was for him as it was for me, but it meant everything to me.

Christmas Eve

Granted, it is technically Christmas now, but you catch my drift.

I miss the magic of Christmas Eve. The anticipation of the unknown, the wide-eyed wonder of the floating lights, and the strong excitement that lures you in to a sleep so deep you can't be stirred even when 8 magical reindeer are left unattended on your roof.

I don't know if I am missing the magic because I had to work tonight, or maybe it is because I didn't get to watch A Christmas Story on repeat. Perhaps, it is the fact that I know I won't be getting egg nog tomorrow. Or maybe it is because I am losing my faith in magic. Whatever the case may be, I am vowing to make sure Christmas does not lose its magic next year.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will search for that Christmas magic. Maybe I will even find it in someplace unpredictable.

Gingies

Last night we decorated gingerbread men. Dave and Melissa came over and there was much fun to be had by all! Well, at least I had fun. Alan was up all day making the dough and the icing, and he was covered in flour when I got home. It was adorable. The last train came in early, so I left early and was home at around 11:20.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I love my traditions. I also really appreciate Alan and my friends putting up with me and going along with them. When friends come over it takes my mind off of the fact that I should be sharing these traditions with my children. We exchanged presents, and we laughed and watched trashy reality TV, and we truly just enjoyed each other. It was wonderful.

When I look back at the life I have lived so far, and think of all of the crazy stories from my life, they do not hold a candle to these memories. When the final seconds of my life are upon me, these are the memories that will bring me to peace.

Pops and other noises!

Alan and I went to see the Holiday Pops last night. Our seats were awful, but the time we had was magnificent. It was nice to get away from everything and have a nice night out, just the two of us. The music was spectacular and we laughed and teased and it was splendid.

The night before that we hung out with some friends and my Goddaughter. I can't believe how big she is getting. It is insane. She has the most adorable laugh, though, and even though the Pops were great, they were nothing compared to that.

I also picked out a Charlie Brown tree because I refuse to not have a Christmas tree. It was a good  two days off. I am glad we got to have some time, just the two of us.

Patches

It is funny how we always try to cover stuff up. You rip your jeans, you throw a patch on it. There is a huge pothole in the street you patch it up. Patches cab be found everywhere and on everything. Even in relationships.

Sometimes people are so afraid with confronting a problem that they slap a quit patch job on it and move one.What they always seem to forget is, that those patches aren't a forever fix. That road is eventually going to have to be dug up and repaved, or the cloth will wear through, or eventually you are going to pick apart every tiny thing that someone does. It is human nature, and we are all guilty of it.

I think it is easy to let yourself get overwhelmed at an awkward situation and you build it up to be such a huge deal, that instead of confronting it, you choose to ignore it. Although, eventually, it is going to rear its ugly head, and you have two choices fight or flight. Now the term fight is used loosely here, but you get what I am saying.

The important thing to look at in this situation is, if you run, are you prepared for the repercussions?

The Notebook

No, not the Nicholas Sparks book. As many of you know who read my blog I am a member of an online community that women can air their frustrations about trying to get pregnant, or ask questions about different methods of charting or just ask questions about different things that they have heard work or don't work. It is so much more than that. You start off by asking questions, and then you begin to develop relationships with these women.

 Then you post on non- pregnant related posts, and you start joking and laughing and really getting to know these incredible women. You support them when they hit a low point, and you celebrate with them when they hit a high point. You laugh at their jokes, admire their creativity, bond over experiences, and get the same support back. I never thought that I would ever be a person who would develop lasting relationships with an internet stranger or strangers, but, before I knew it, I was added these women to my Facebook account, and sending them mail back and forth. I met up with several of them from all along the East Coast, and they have become my friends.

There has been one lady that I have come to care about very much. She is the sweetest woman I have ever "met" and, although, I have never met her face to face, I consider her one of my best friends. She is so sweet, and has brightened my day up several times. She always sends me cards that seem to get delivered at the perfect time. She has sent me paintings of my beloved Boston Harbor, a golden snitch necklace, several cards, a wonderful golden snitch ornament and a notebook.

To you, it may seem silly that I was so overwhelmed by a notebook, but it was so perfect. If you are reading this, I am assuming you have read my other posts, and how I often complain about inspiration hitting me, and then losing it shortly after that. In a world with so many people in it, it is easy to feel small and unheard, but this gift showed that someone was listening to me. Not that I don't think other people don't listen, but it was just nice to see that someone picked out a single phrase in a post I had written and gave me a gift that helped me keep my inspiration in tact.

To you it is merely a small notebook to put my thoughts in, but to me, it is a sign that someone is there listening. In such a big place, it is easy to feel alone, but for that moment when I opened up that package, I knew that I was being heard and that I was not alone. There isn't a real way to truly thank someone for how they make you feel, and I am kind of at a loss of how to truly thank this incredible woman for all that she has done for me and all she has given to me. She has given me so much more than I could ever express with words.

 Just so you know I treasure your friendship so much, and I hope that one day our paths will cross and we are able to share some drinks and laughter together.

Faith

Over the past couple of days, I have been thinking quite a bit about faith and religion and how they are two entirely different things. Faith is having a belief in something more powerful than yourself. Religion is a set of rules and guidelines you have to follow in order to get to heaven. People will do the most heinous things and say that it is in the name of their religion, for their god. How can that be?

I think the main problem in our society is judgement. Judging others based on gender, race, sexuality, religion, or anything else. The fact is not anyone of us is born any better than anyone else. If we could just realize that and show some compassion for our fellow person, I think the world could be and would be a better place. What we need to show faith in is humanity. We need to allow people to be who they are supposed to be.

I think people get too wrapped up in religion to realize that it doesn't matter what you believe in, but that you treat others with respect and love. There are many things that I don't agree with in my religion, but I still believe in something. Faith is important. Whether or not it is faith in a higher power or faith in humanity. We need teach acceptance instead of pretending things don't exist. What is important is that we are all people trying to live the best way that we can. 

People are too wrapped up in themselves to realize they can play a bigger role. I don't know when it became acceptable to be mean or nasty to someone based on a look, or an accent, or a particular article of clothing. It makes me sad knowing that people can be so harsh and quick to lose sight that behind a turban, or a cross, or a yamaka, or any other material thing, there lies a soul of another human being.

Yay!

I have my laptop back hooray!

Cut Off

I feel so cut off from everything. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my laptop is gone, but I think it goes deeper than that. I feel so cut off from everyone around me. Even the people I know can relate to my situation. I want to close myself off and just be alone. I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to flip open my laptop and write all of these feelings out and get over it.

There are ways around that, but they aren't very conducive to my whole process. For example, right now I am typing this out on my phone, at the train station. My battery is dwindling down and the green is turning to yellow and will inevitably get to red. The screen is tiny, and the keyboard just isn't working as fast as my thoughts are coming.

I guess I have just been feeling really lonely lately. Not because I don't have friends or family around, but mainly because I have isolated myself and have gotten so wrapped up in myself and my situation. I hate being so whiny and emotional constantly. There are much bigger problems in the world right now than my empty uterus.

Maybe one day I will stop being so selfish. Maybe one day I won't have so much loathing, but for now, I am just going to pray hard. For everyone else who is hurting today.

Old and Grey

Every day at work, well every weekday, an old man comes in to the station and sits in the waiting area with a book. Then, a commuter train pulls in and the people file off and he gets up and waits for his wife to come along. They meet up, he takes her bag, and then they walk hand in hand to the car.

It is the cutest thing in the history of cute. This couple is so old and grey, yet they are still so in love and so happy with each other. It is so romantic. They remind me of the couple in Up. I really want to find out their story and see if it lives up to the picture I have created.

Then a part of me wants to just watch them from afar as to not destroy this perfect vision in my head. They may not see their lives as some sort of fairy tale romance, but for all of us looking in from the outside, it is nothing short of a happily ever after.

I Want My Miracle

I am tired of everyone else getting what I want. I mean is it really too much to ask for, just one small miracle. Just one. I have seen miraculous things happen my whole life. When do I get to stop being a witness and get awarded my miracle.

Is there some sort of list that I have to put my name on?

Comfort Foods

Today is a day for comfort foods. Alan made lasagna, and I am making turkey soup. I will freeze it and defrost it when I need a hug from the inside. Because that is all comfort food is, you know, a hug from the inside. The feeling of warmth you feel when it gets to your belly and you remember all of the things in the world that are good from your past. Comfort foods are the best thing you can possibly eat.

I had a really bad night last night. Knowing that we are out this cycle, there is little to no chance that I am pregnant. Three cycles of taking disgusting, chalky pills, of having spontaneous hot flashes, and awful mood swings. All it has done was prepare me for menopause.

I hate thinking about giving up, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. I have dreamed of this one thing for so very long, and I just feel like it is so far beyond my reach. I won't ever actually give up, but sometimes the thought of removing all of this self-inflicted pressure is euphoric. I don't want to take this break, but I know it is for the best and that Alan really needs it.

But for right now, for tonight, I will focus on filling my belly instead of filling my womb.

December

The last month in a shitty year. December has begun and it sucks. I am ready to move on and get on with 2013. It has to be better. Isn't that what the new year is supposed to bring in? Hope, promise of better things. I call bullshit, but maybe I will be surprised this year. Maybe it will be a better year. Who knows. I certainly don't. I just know that I am tired of being so glum all of the time.

Madness.

I am mad at my ovaries. They aren't working. I have yet to ovulate. I am mad at myself because I have become something I never wanted to be.

I am mad because my laptop shit the bed. I lost most of my writing.

I am mad at how sensitive I have been with the cold weather.

I am mad that there in never sugar at work when I want it.

I am mad that the Bruins have yet to play a game.

I am sure I will add to this more later.

I wish I were a star.

Why am I so easy to cast aside?

 Sometimes I wish I could escape to the stars and twinkle down on all the people who feel comfort in the great beyond. Floating forever into infinity with the ability to be millions of miles away, yet still be seen and still be ever present. You can't shun a star, you can't look at all of the stars in the sky and dismiss just one. Stars are part of something, a small piece of a magnificent whole, blanketing the cold, lonely, and abandoned. Embracing the weak and fragile and giving them hope. Helping people but never feeling the wrath of betrayal, never getting my hopes up that someone will keep the promises of their past.

 I take comfort in the stars because even when they have fizzled out, they are still seen and wished on. Even if it is false they still offer the comfort people seek. If only I could be a star,  I could burn bright until I ran out of the things I need and then disappear in a grand display. All at once I am a fantastic flash, and then I am gone and forgotten, and there is an empty space where I used to be.

Things I Have Never Said

There are things that we keep closed off inside of our heads. Things we don't want people to know things that we are ashamed of. I am tired of being ashamed.

I want to be pregnant. I want to experience another life growing inside of me and knowing I am responsible for that bean. I want to be able to turn down drinks because I am pregnant, I want to be able to not look crazy in the baby section of a store. I want to be able to feel a kick, a punch a movement. If I am never able to get pregnant it will probably destroy me. 

I don't want to take this break, but I know we need to. I want to keep pressing on even if it means going in to a doctor's office on Christmas Eve.The thought of going through another holiday season without being pregnant kills me.

I feel like I do way more for some people than they deserve and not enough for the people that deserve it.

I am so selfish sometimes, and it sickens me. 

I am jealous of my sisters, and I hate myself for it.

I doubt myself constantly.

I constantly struggle with the scars from my past and I think it would be so much easier if that were still my life.

I put so much stock in my internet friendships and have come to care for them to the point where I value their opinions over  people that I have known longer.

I feel like I constantly let everyone down and that I can never be who they want me to be.

But Alan calms all of these thoughts down. He makes me able to breathe again. He is what turns my mind off and gives me moments of peace and quiet. He takes my crazy mind and all of these thoughts that spin around and around and puts them all on hold. My home is where he is. He is my shelter from this crazy world and this wild ride we are on. I don't say it enough, but Alan truly saved me. In so many different ways. I am thankful for each moment I get to share with him.

I am enough for him, and knowing that makes me feel invincible. So when all of these doubts come creeping in and keep me up at night, I look over at him sleeping peacefully and I lay back down and can rest knowing he is there next to me protecting me from the evil thoughts that I have about myself. He continues to build me up when I am a mere pile on the ground.

Really People?

So we just came back from Black Friday shopping at Wal-mart. All in all it was not worth the experience. I don't like crowds of people and I don't like people being rude and inconsiderate. The only reason we went out is because I was up and working anyways. We will not be attending that location next year. The people there were exceptionally asshole-ish. The people working just stood around doing nothing but talking to their friends. People were fighting or yelling at each other. It just made me sad. Sad that people are so focused on getting an average deal on a new TV that they forget that they are dealing with other human beings. I can never imagine being that way.

Well, I am going to bed to spend some time with my puppies and my husband who I barely got to see today. Good night all!

Insanity

So, it is widely known that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Well, now I truly know why women are all deemed insane. Isn't that what we do consistently? I mean this whole process of trying to have a baby. Each month we do the same thing over and over and over expecting different results. Women to their very core are insane.

On the flip side of that, women also disprove that by repeating the same actions time in and time out, but then they do get different results. So women are an exception to the insanity rule.

Seems to me that the definition of insanity could be the same for hope. Hope is such a touchy thing. It can be good, but it can also bring such a burden with it. With this insanity, and hope comes a lot of stress. 

Alan and I have decided that it will be in our best interest to take a break from all treatments until after the holidays. Of course, we are still very hopeful that this cycle will work for us, but if it isn't we both think a mental break is something we need to reconnect as a couple instead of constantly trying to plan out timing of intimacies and losing the enjoyment and fulfillment of our relationship.

We figured after this cycle, our treatments are going to get more intrusive and instead of just diving in to this whole new world of belly shots (not to be confused with the ever so fun body shots), IUI's, and even further hormone messing we are going to take some time for ourselves to enjoy the holidays and our families.

I just need an emotional break from it all before I pump myself up with even more hormones. Alan does to. I will most likely be infertile after the holidays, and we aren't running away from our problems, we are just putting them on the back burner for a little bit. We are also planning on being very open and honest with our families when we get the questions about starting a family.

In my opinion, Alan and I have already started a family. We started it 6 years ago when we met on a boat on a cold winter's night, and yes, we would like to add to it, but you aren't given a timeline when you are born, and just because we aren't the standard, doesn't mean we are any less of a family.

Hanging Out

So yesterday Alan and I went to visit my mum, then we headed to the mall. It was kind of crazy, but I got a pretzel so it is ok. We ran in to a couple of people we knew and I got to meet their son! He was so absolutely adorable.

Then we went out bowling with Dave and Melissa. It was nice, and we ran in to a old friend and caught up a bit. It's funny. We can never go anywhere without seeing someone! I had a totally kick ass game, and it didn't even matter because no one was even paying attention. Boo to them!

Anyways, today I went out to lunch with a friend and got to hang out with her baby who is adorable! Then we went and checked out Kohl's for a bit, did some shopping, and headed home. On the way home we stopped so I could get my eyebrows waxed. They must have changed the lotiony oil stuff that they use for afterwards because I had such a bad allergic reaction to it. My eye brows swelled up and they were so super itchy! I have to remember to ask them not to use it next time. Now we are back home enjoying some hot chocolate and Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows P2). Perfect!

Tonight we are heading out to hang out with some friends. It makes me happy when I feel like I actually do things on my days off! It makes them last longer.

Visiting Mum

Today I got to see my mum! It is about time, too! We stopped by to give her her birthday present, which she loved! It was nice to see her even if it was in a place of previous employment. It was nice to see some people that I haven't seen in a while, but mostly it was just nice to get a huge hug from my mum.

We used to be able to spend all of this time together because we worked together, but I guess life got in the way of that, too. I miss her, and when I say my mum is one of my best friends, I am not saying that because I feel obligated. She truly is.

I can talk to my mum about anything, and even though I may get frustrated with her and her with me, we both know it isn't going to stop us from loving each other ever. As much as family can get annoying or you feel obligated to spend time with them, my family is truly wonderful and my rock.

You Just Don't Get it

You just don't get it, do you? You don't get the pain that I feel in my heart everyday. The emptiness is so huge I feel as though it is going to rip me open. And you stand there and tell me not to worry. Don't stress so much, you have time. That time is ticking away each movement of the arms of the clock reminds me that time is ticking away.

Those tick tocks are painful reminders of memories I should be making. Genuine smiles I could be sharing, but I am not. My painted on smile hides away my rage, my sadness, my grief but you just see it as a smile. It has to mean I am happy right? You couldn't be more wrong.Or is it that you just want to keep on playing pretend. To mute what is really going on.

I don't expect you to understand, but I also don't expect you to be so cliche. I am tired. Tired of dragging this burden. Tired of saying, you are probably right, when you aren't. I just don't have the energy to fight you when I am already fighting an inner battle. You don't get it, and I am glad that you don't, but please don't patronize me because you think you have all of this knowledge.

Day in and day out I deal with this, and you are supposed to help me through. You are absent in this war raging on within me and you don't even realize it. You hide away from the conversation and you hide away from the emotions. You are hiding away from me, from who I am.

The Power of a Flower

The other day at work a passenger brought me in a flowering plant. It is beautiful. It has little yellow flowers that could brighten up anyone’s day! I am going to leave it in work to remind me that even though sometimes it may seem like I don’t make a difference in people’s lives, I can.

Sometimes it can be really hard moving on from a job where I had so much impact on the lives of children, and I could see how much I helped them out, to moving to a job where I sit behind a window and sell tickets to the public. Most people disregard me, just as I disregard some people. Occasionally, you come across some people who will have meaningless small talk with you because they have time to kill before their train leaves and they are just as afraid of being lonely and bored before their train leaves as they are on their commute in to the station, without the radio blaring to distract them. All they crave is a little bit of human interaction before they divulge themselves into their status reports or their work e-mails on the train. Then there are some people who you see week in and week out and you develop a relationship with them. Those are the people who brighten up your night and put you in a good mood.

And it is one of those people who brightened my night with such an awesome gift. A gift that will put a smile on my face every time I glance over and catch these gorgeous hues of yellow in the corner of my eye. It means so much to me that someone would think of me in such a wonderful way that they would take time out of their incredibly busy schedule and stop and pick out something for me. In a world when it is so easy to feel unimportant and overlooked, it is so nice to know that, at least in some small way, you have impacted someone’s life enough for them to take a moment and think of you.

I am sad that this passenger will no longer be traveling and picking up their ticket with me, but I hope that they enjoy their new life in a new city and that all will be well for them. Even though they will no longer warm up my station with their bright smile and great outlook, I will still think of them and they will still brighten my heart on a day that it seems like nothing is going right.

Onward to 3

So we are officially going through our third medicated cycle. This is our last cycle without further intervention. Once again, I am not super optimistic. I just feel like if everything is in place and has been consistently for two straight cycles, this one isn't going to be any different. The logical side of me knows that if you are ovulating normally it can still take up to a year to get pregnant. Unfortunately, in this process my emotional side is taking the reins.

I have been trying to focus on different things. Like my book. I have been brainstorming a lot, and I need to start bringing a notebook with me so I can jot things down when inspiration strikes. The more and more I think about things, the more I am getting emotionally involved in my characters' lives. Pretty awesome.

I have to remember to start going out and doing things on my days off and not focus on my sorrow all of the time. Even though I am in this horribly shitty position, it doesn't mean that I can't seek joy from elsewhere. That is what I intend on doing.

Sometimes it is hard to get away from it. I know we have other options if this cycle fails, and I guess if I don't have any hope for myself, I have hope and science and a belief that God will be blessing me. And yes, the two can go together. I hope that I will be able to shake out of this rut that I am in. I have faith that I can. I know I can't worry about what will be in a month, but it is so hard not to, but this month I am going to focus on all the good in my life and just live in the moment. I will worry about next steps when it is time to.

Give me a break!

Aside from the obvious infertile woes, I am having a bad night.

People have been weird all week, but tonight it is just all coming to a head and I am running out of patience. Tonight was going alright until it just wasn't anymore. I got called over to the train to help someone with a wheelchair, it ended in disaster. I felt so awful and was close to tears returning to the station.

Then, a regular customer came up and asked me to print his tickets out. I couldn't because I had already closed out for the night. I told him out system is shut down at 10 and we can't do any more transactions. He didn't believe me and said that I had printed the tickets out this late for him before. No I hadn't. His usual train was canceled and he came in an hour later than he is used to. To asked to speak to a manager, but as we all know I am alone here at night. I told him that, and he accused me of lying once again. I don't know why I would lie about all this. Wouldn't it make my life much easier to just appease him and print out the tickets if I was able to?


Then minutes after that a woman came over to yell at me because the cab companies weren't picking up their phones and that there was no service in the building. I told her to step outside and she would get service. The dome in here affects the signal. She looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes and said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard, and didn't I know it was cold outside. Yes, I control the cell signal and the weather and purposely made it so her night would be ruined.

I am considering hiding for the rest of the night and not coming out until the new year. The new year holds such promise for people...

Tired of the negativity

I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative, again. I'm sick and tired of seeing such stark white tests, yet for some reason I can't stop taking them. Hope is such a bitch.

I just wish for once something was just easy for me, because it never is. I hate that I have to stand by and watch people I know get to experience everything I want. I am going to avoid writing more because I am too damn pathetic to even stomach myself.

Doubt

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. I have had a lot of things going on that I can't really discuss on a public forum, or not that I can't discuss it, I have chosen to take the high road and NOT discuss it. Wouldn't hurt a few people to do the same.

Anyways, I am about 9 days past ovulation, and I am trying not to freak myself out. I plan on testing Tuesday, but I am not very optimistic about it. I am expecting to get a visit from my monthly friend any day now. Next cycle will be our last cycle with just the Clomid. If it doesn't work we will continue on with probably injectables.

Woo hoo, can't wait for that. It will probably end up being $3500 per cycle for that, and a maximum of three cycles. Then if that doesn't work it is on to I don't even know. Probably IVF. You know, the thing republicans want to outlaw because it is murder, or whatever it is that they re saying.

I just have this feeling of inevitable doubt. It is constantly surrounding me, and I just wish that I wasn't so informed. Why is it so easy for the most undeserving people? I don't understand how some people can just have everything handed to them and barely struggle with anything in life, and the good ones always get screwed.

Medicated Cycle 2

Has been successful in the sense that the Clomid made me ovulate. I ovulated earlier than last cycle. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I will start testing next week sometime probably. I am not super optimistic, as I have said, but I am more than willing to be pleasantly surprised. I have been hoping, praying, wishing on stars, and doing just about everything I can think of.

While we were in New Hampshire, I bought a tile to put up on the window in our bedroom. It had a fertility symbol on it. Yes, I realize I am grasping at straws here, but you really cant blame me. I have been watching a lot of Supernatural lately. (Possible spoiler alerts if you haven't watched the series)

A lot of people in the show make deals with demons in order to bring back loved ones, or get something they want. I don't think that I would ever make a deal with a demon, but I can see why some people would. In desperate times people will make rash and desperate decisions. Impulse is not something you can usually ignore. Most demons give you ten years before they come knocking at the door for your soul.

So, I wonder, for whom would I trade my soul? Is it my unborn child? No, because even though I 
don't have children yet, if I was ever offered a deal like that, I would like to think that I would decline it so that my child would not grow up motherless. I would put my unborn child before myself. Isn't that what a mother or a parent does? Puts their own dreams and wishes aside for the benefit of the child?

Now, I know this is an unlikely scenario, but it gives me a little bit of faith in myself, makes me happy to know I would do right by my children. Even if I don't have them yet.

Storm Chasing!

There was a hurricane that passed through! Alan and I went out to stormchase and look at the ocean go crazy. It was pretty awesome to see what mother nature can produce.

Our power was only out for a minimal amount of time, and we didn't experience a lot of damage which was good. It was really nice snuggling up under the blankies and watching the flicker of the candlelight.

Even though it was nice to cuddle up and just have ourselves last night, I was very happy to wake up with electricity. We were very fortunate during this storm. The last storm we had lost power for five days. I am very grateful to the hard workers of National Grid who must have put in many many hours of hard work to get everyone up and running. I am so appreciative of these hard workers.

When Irene hit a while back, Alan and I had to go and take showers at his parents house. There were loose wires outside of their neighbor's house and there was a man stationed there. I brought him out some food, because he had been there for awhile. We started talking, shocking, I know! He told me all of these awful stories about how nasty people were to him when they saw his National Grid shirt or badge. It made me really sad that people would lash out at him for the outages. It wasn't his fault, and as far as I am concerned the power companies have done a wonderful job communicating to their customers and getting things set as soon as possible.

Days Off

My days off this week were pretty good! Tuesday I vegged out for most of the day, and then I got to talk to Melissa for like 4 hours. Then we had a little movie night and drank some cider. It was nice and relaxing. It was fun to lip sync and dance to Rock of Ages, and just be goofy.

Wednesday we went to Pumpkin Spectacular at Roger Williams Park Zoo. It was sensational! They lay out 5000 pumpkins and it is unbelievable. They have different genres and they were all so exquisite! There were pumpkins as far as the eye could see! They set them up so it looked like they were floating on the lake, and they had them hanging in trees! It was amazing!

I also got my first pumpkin ale of the season. Yes, I know it is very late, but I have been trying not to drink much. It was delicious, though and it had a perfect little cinnamon sugar rim! Yummy! I tried to get Alan to dance with me, but he wasn't having it. maybe he will dance with me in the kitchen someday soon.

Aside from that I didn't do anything. I was a lazy bum. Now, tomorrow I have to do laundry. Blah. Oh, well! I don't regret using my days off to rest!

I got a positive OPK yesterday, so that is exciting.

Meteors

Tonight while I was outside of my house talking to my neighbor, I looked up into the sky and saw a meteor! It so cool to see it shooting across the sky in all of its glory. I was glad that I was looking up at the sky and I saw it! It was such a cool thing to witness. I made a wish, and I felt like it was a good sign.

It flew across the sky and it ended in a bunch of sparks!

The downside of knowledge

So this cycle I have decided to chart again for the first time in about a year. For those of you reading who do not know what this means, it is when a woman takes her temperature at the same time every day to pinpoint ovulation. I will not gross you out with the other things that you can monitor because you don't need to know that, but this is a method that women have been using for quite some time to try and get pregnant.

So I have been staring at my chart for hours. Nothing has changed, it isn't going to tell me anything at thins point anyways, so I don't know why I have been, but I am going nuts analyzing, googling, clicking... I have issues. They say ignorance is bliss, I never agreed with them, but maybe they are right. Who are they anyways?

So, I'm charting, peeing on sticks, being monitored by the doctor, and making sure I have all of this information available to me, and it is driving me bananas. I should just stop, but I have all of these resources at my disposal, why not use them. Right? I just don't know. I do know I won't stop, so there is no point in even talking it out. I am just so sick of being in this place.

Sometimes I wish that it were just as easy for me as it was for any girl ever on MTV.  I wish I didn't have to know all of this stuff about how cycles work and hormone levels and blah blah blah. I am glad I know all of this stuff, but I hate the reasons behind knowing it. Science is wonderful and knowledge is great, but sometimes I wish I weren't so smart.

OT Oh, No!

Yesterday I decided it would be a good idea to pick up some extra hours at work because I has one unpaid day at work. It was a bad idea. I was completely exhausted by the time midnight hit. I was really nervous for a bit that I was going to crash my car because I was going to fall asleep at the wheel. Alan offered to come and get me, but I told him no. I found a way to wake myself up (I ate some spicy salsa and chugged some ice cold water) and I got home safely with the music blaring and windows down.

Obviously, I got home safely, but it isn't something I will be doing again. The only time I will take an overtime shift again will be on my day off.

It is starting again...

I bought some new work clothes, but I bought them bigger than I need to make room for my phantom baby. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I can't help it. This cycle I am not feeling defeated, but I am not optimistic either. It is hard to take drugs knowing what they are going to do to you and not get your hopes up. It is easier to blame yourself than to question science.

I guess this cycle I have periods of just feeling numb. Numb to this whole experience. Praying that I won't hear about someone else getting pregnant. Hoping that I won't get angry and flip the channel when I see a baby related commercial, and then going back to the shielding and numbness. Shielding your heart from more disappointment, more angst. Just simply going through the motions until the next inevitable step happens. Wondering if more treatments will be the solution or if you will just be left disappointed, yet again.

I know there are other women who have struggled longer than I have, and that just makes me feel even worse about feeling this way. Now I am just being selfish. I wish I had the words to get my true feelings out. I wish I could explain why I get so angry when people tell me to enjoy my childless life while I can. I wish that I could describe the conflicting emotions I have when I am holding someone's child. But mostly, I wish I could experience being a mother.

A Mini Getaway

So Alan and I took a mini getaway. We went up to his family's chalet in North Conway and it was exactly what we needed! It was nice to be able to shut off all of our electronic devices and just be with each other. Not being worried with anything else. Just being ourselves and us.

We drove up on Wednesday afternoon; did a bit of food shopping, went back to the chalet and made dinner. We watched a couple of movies, brought the mattress out into the living room and slept there. In the process of moving the mattress I was attacked by a huge bug, which I later found out was a stink bug. Ok, so I wasn't really attacked, but Alan wouldn't come save me because I told him I could move everything by myself because it was my idea. After I got over that traumatizing event, we just slept out in the living room. Before I was about to fall asleep another stink bug showed up and I threw it across the room! It was terrifying. Thankfully, that was the last of our bug issues.

Thursday we got up, whenever we felt like it and decided to go searching for some waterfalls. We were going to go to four, but ended up only doing two. The first one was closed because they were doing maintenance on the parking lot. Which is a real bummer because it is the one I really wanted to get to, but there is always next time. The second one we couldn't figure out which trail to take to get there the fastest, and we decided that it would be better to have a whole day to do that one, so we will get to that one next time, as well. The third one was amazing! It was called Rocky Gorge. After we got to the main part of the trail, we decided to take the path away from the falls and see where it would bring us. It brought us to a magnificent lake. It was as smooth as glass and we could see all of the fish and turtles swimming about. The water was so flat that it mirrored the tress and the sky. It was right out of a painting. After we got back to the car, we headed down the road to another area called the lower falls. We climbed all over the rocks and just sat for a bit. Just being together. It was lovely.

We decided to go in to Conway Center and check out all of the outlet stores and see what they had to offer. We ended up getting a bunch of stuff, and I even got a new Coach purse out of the deal! It was a $330 bag that I got for $111! I am so excited! I also found out how to clean my old purse! Hooray! We shopped at Old Navy and got some great deals on some clothes! It was a nice day. Then we went back to the chalet and made dinner and watched another movie. Alan fell asleep in the recliner, and I made fun of him!

Friday was our last full day there. We lounged around a bit and had eccentric plans to go out to a nice dinner that night. We ended up hitting all of the old time stores, but didn't really find much. It was nice to fool around in the stores and just be goofy. We got lunch at Horsefeathers and it was very good. Alan got the chicken parm sandwich, and I got swordfish with black bean salsa. I wish I could have it again it was so delicious!

We headed back because it was a dreary day, and decided to just grab pizza for dinner and snuggle up on the couch. It was a perfect mini getaway. I am missing it already. Going up to the chalet was the first trip Alan and I took together, and every time we go up there it makes me remember that time in our relationship. It was a time when there was no stress just us. It felt so good to get away from reality, even if it was for just a few days.

New York

So most people assume that I hate New York because of the sports rivalries. Well, I don't particularly like baseball or football, and I don't really consider the Rangers a huge rival, and we all know that hockey is what matters most to me. So, no I don't hate New York because of the sports. I hate New York because the majority of people there are assholes. Now, I do not believe that the citizens of New York are assholes. In fact, I am pretty fond of most everyone I personally know from New York. I think the tourists are the assholes. I think that people feel like the can act like jerks in the city because people assume that is how New York is. I got to spend the night in New York on Tuesday, and I remembered why I hated it so much.

After we got to Lincoln Center, via a cab that dropped us in a totally different space, we waited for doors to open to the greatest event of our lives. *Insert babbling, uncontrollable emotion here* After we saw J.K. we decided to get a bite to eat. We spot a place close to the theater that looked promising. It is a pub, and we figured we couldn't go wrong.

We each ordered a glass of wine in the hopes that the serving size would match the cost. ($11 for a glass of wine whose bottle sells for $12.97 a bottle. I found this out later in the week.) It did. As we sipped the first wonderful sips of our special treat we felt invincible! Melissa ordered a French Onion soup, and I decided after hers had arrived that I would also have one. After that, our night turned sour.

 The people behind us had a ridiculous amount of Harry Potter merchandise, and were discussing how they could sell their signed copies of the book. It was disgusting, and I was completely outraged by the lack of respect they had for my idol.

After we had ordered dinner, (which was not very good at all), the waitress had decided that we weren't going to tip well and had decided to ignore us. Melissa ordered another glass of wine which 15 minutes later she decided to cancel because it still hadn't arrived. A manager brought it over, and I complained to her about the lack of service. She took the wine off the bill, but didn't apologize for the wait, or the service. After ten more minutes I finally asked a busboy if he could get our check for us. We got out check and left quickly after, in the hopes that we could find a place to get dessert.

After a cab ride through Times Square, we were back at Penn Station to find somewhere closer that we could get a tasty treat. After searching through the whole train station and having to attempt to save Melissa's life from a crazy guy who wanted to steal her we finally found a place that was open! (For a city that doesn't sleep, there aren't a lot of places open at midnight.) We went to a diner that was open 24 hours. Awesome! Diners near train stations are always fantastic!

I decided that I was done with New York and wanted to feel at home. So I ordered a slice of apple pie and a hot chocolate. Melissa wanted cheesecake, but they were out so she got a milkshake and Nutella crepes! My Apple pie was cold, and tasted like coconut. It was weird. My Hot chocolate had oil drops in it, so I decided I wouldn't drink anymore of it. Melissa's shake had a funny after taste, and she didn't drink it.

The best part about the meal were Melissa's crepes, though. Apparently, if you are a 24 hour diner in New York City, you put croutons in your crepes for added texture. We decided that we were not going to finish out desserts and we would just go back and wait for our train.

It was a very interesting evening, but Melissa got it right. She said that seeing J.K. was so beyond phenomenal that it was truly fitting that our night afterwards would be strewn with mini disasters.

Amazing Experiences

So, on the 16th, I was blessed and was in the presence of the most amazing author this century has seen. I got to hear J.K. Rowling read her words about an incredible world that she has created. Once again, I am in complete awe of this woman.

If you haven't gotten the chance to read The Casual Vacancy, you should. It is the type of book that gives you chills long after you finish the book. It is a book that makes you jealous when you see other people reading it because they still have this whole world to discover. I don't want to give anything away for those of you who haven't yet read it, but it has jumped to the top of my favorites list. It is extremely provocative, and amazingly true. J.K. does an incredible job in creating a fictional word full of non-fiction. Her dedication to each of her characters is beyond a normal writer/character relationship making it impossible to not develop raw feelings towards each of them.

So Tuesday was beyond words. I wish that I could describe just how amazing this experience was, but there are no words. No words to describe how wholly this experience rocked me to my core. Seeing her answer questions. Listening to her spout off lines of pure genius, and yes, even talk about Hogwarts a little bit. It was unbelievable to hear her talk about her writing, and get a special view of how her mind works. It truly inspired me to continuing with my book and to take chances and push the envelope and not to be afraid of my ideas. I really needed to hear that to continue with my work.

I had tears in my eyes when she talked about her former works, and I have chills that still course through out my body when I think of her on stage reading from her book. I don't think I will ever experience anything remotely on this level for the rest of my life. That isn't a depressing thought, it is just a fact. I feel the extreme feeling of awe could not be replicated. It was such a fulfilling experience.

You got to see how dedicated she is to her fans. She signed 2200 copies of her book for her fans. In person. It was surreal to be that close to her and get to speak words to her. She made eye contact with me, and I felt as though she genuinely cared about each and every one of us. Everything about J.K. is fantastic. Her dedication to keep the written word alive and in actual books is inspiring. She has bred a new generation of readers, and kept this art alive in a time where most would prefer to watch a movie or play a video game.

Nothing is better

Than the sound of rain on the roof of the chalet in New Hampshire. I am really sad that we are leaving tomorrow and that reality is going to be right there waiting for us. It has been so nice being up here and away from it all. I have so much to blog about, and will do so tomorrow when I have an internet connection back, but for now I am loving this pure serenity. Nothing coming in between me and Alan. Perfection. Just as it should be.

Friend Friday: Hailey

Tonight I would like to talk about Hailey. Hailey and I have not known each other very long, but that doesn't mean we aren't close. Hailey is incredibly strong and is a fantastic mother of two wonderful little girls. Hailey is someone in real life that I can actually talk openly about this whole infertility thing.

She has such a great balance in her life, and she is doing such a great job of raising her girls while her husband is away. I know it can't be easy on her, but you would never know that. She is an incredible mum and is so good with her beautiful daughters. She knows when to speak up for herself and for her family. She would literally sacrifice everything for them.

As I said, Hailey and I have not known each other very long, but that doesn't mean our friendship lacks validity. She has been such a crucial part of my journey in remaining hopeful. Something about Hailey calms me down with this whole experience. Maybe because she is so calm and understands how much I want a child. Hailey is a fantastic listener and always knows just what to say. I am pretty sure she wants me to be pregnant just as much as I do. Her encouragement means so much to me. I would be lost without it. I don't know if she realized how much she has helped me though this journey.

I hope that one day I am able to be as great of a mother as Hailey is to her daughters. I love seeing the light in her eyes when she watches them. It is something I so long for. I don't feel jealous when I am around her, yes I am jealous she has two beautiful daughters, but I am so happy that she has them. She is so deserving. I love that she lets me help out with the kids instead of being condescending and assuming that I know nothing about kids because I am not a mother.

I am really glad Hailey fell in to my life. She is such an amazing person, and I love being in her presence.

Karma

I am a big believer in Karma, but sometimes I am confused at how it works. I like to live my life in a way that I am proud of, but sometimes that line is blurred. Sometimes I feel like I go out of my way to be a good person in the moment and not for the greater good.

I feel very responsible for something that I really had no control over. I am wondering if my Karma is all messed up now. I try to be the best person I can, but I have slip ups just like everyone else. Sometimes it is hard to see the bigger picture. To see what the plan really is. Was I just a scapegoat for this entire situation and it was a plan put in motion long before I even knew about it? Did I handle myself with integrity? I would like to believe so, but how can I be sure?

I know I am over-analyzing as I often do, but I really can't help it. I just hope that people and fate realize that I wasn't trying to be cruel in any way. I am nervous of the repercussions of my actions, and I hope that I did the right thing.

I feel like I did clear the air with one of my co-workers and feel that we are going to have a better relationship moving forward. That is important to me, and I don't like knowing that she felt that I didn't like her for some reason.

Lucky number 2?

So today I started my second cycle of Clomid. I am not excited for the side effects that come along with it, but hey, I am willing to do whatever it takes. After a negative test on Sunday I was expecting that I would be starting another cycle. My hopes aren't very high, yet, but I am sure that will fluctuate throughout the month. I have decided to also chart this month because I like know what my body is doing, and now that I know it will (hopefully) be working, I would like to see it happen.


Other than that there isn't much to update on that topic. I am trying to stay grounded. I have lots of things to distract me in the meantime. Like going to see J.K. Rowling, and a trip to New Hampshire! Woo hoo! It will be nice to get away and forget everything.

Sometimes you just need time away to stay sane.

Other updates? Hmm let's see. I find out for sure if I am keeping my shift tomorrow, so I am anxious about that. I am no longer wearing my engagement ring because I am afraid of destroying something that is so precious to me. My finger feels so naked without it on it. Wah! Today was supposed to be the official opening day of the NHL, and nothing. I am pretty pissed that the NHL and the NHLPA are meeting about asinine things instead of focusing on the real issues at hand. I am sure there is a ton more, but I can't remember right now.

Rose

I find myself really missing my Godmother lately. I think that if I had her in my life I would have a real life outlet. She has been through so many similar experiences and I feel like we are so bonded and we were like the same woman. She was so strong in her life. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out when she died. I wasn't expecting her to leave me so soon. To not be at my wedding, to not be with me on this journey I am on now. She would have understood. She would know how I feel.

I am so angry with her for leaving so soon, and I am so angry at myself for being so selfish and being mad at her. I need her here. She would know what to say or not say. She was so strong. I can't imagine going through all that she had gone through. She is such an inspiration and now all I have are memories. I will never get to hug her, touch her, smell her ever again.

I know that you can't stop life and death from happening, but I wish that I understood it better. I wish that things had a certain order. They say that only the good die young, but why? I just don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things. Like why I am so selfish all of the time?

I will never forget Rose. She has done so much for me. I try to hold on to every little piece of her that I can. I drive her car around every day. I wear her perfume on special occasions, or when I just miss her. I wish that I had a chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. I wish she knew how much I really loved her. I wish she had let me in more often as she was nearing the end. I am so angry and saddened and confused. I just want her back. Just for one day, so I could let her know everything that I needed to tell her. I want to know how she handled everything that she did. I want to know how she kept her strength. And I want her to know how angry I am for her leaving so soon, but that my anger isn't really for her. I want to find peace with how suddenly she left. Why did she get better and then when I least expected it, she was gone? Why?

Why?

Job Update

So, as you may have read I won the bid for the new shift, but the way my company works is that you can be bumped from your position. It is all based on seniority, and it can be irritating, but ultimately, I still have a great job. Hopefully, the bumps don't happen and I can move shifts, but if it doesn't happen, it will be alright.

I was planning on being in this position for at least a year anyways. I have to send in my union stuff and get that taken care of.

True Colors

Sometimes in life you stumble upon someone incredible. Often times they can't see themselves for what they are, but this person brought me to tears today. Why? Because they did something so incredible, because of this person I am able to have a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am getting to go to New York to see J.K. Rowling. Tickets that were near impossible to get, and this person managed to. I don't even know how to properly express my gratitude.

Not only is this amazing in and of itself, but this news came on a good day. A day where I was feeling pretty low. I got another negative on a pregnancy test, and I am pretty sure that I am doneski for this cycle. Blah, blah, blah don't count yourself out blah, blah. I am counting myself out because I can't handle this hope. It was dumb for me to even think it would happen first time. I am oddly alright with it. Well, not alright, but at least at peace for this moment. Next cycle, I get to try all over again.

So anyways, Melissa and I get to see my hero! Live and in person. Not on TV, not on the computer. In real life. WOW! I don't even know how to handle this. It is going to literally be like meeting a god. Someone too magnificent to be a mere mortal. Someone who created a world that saved me from my own dismal state of mind. Someone who sparked such passion in me that lasted long after the books were finished. This woman literally changed my life.

So, Thank you, so very much and from the deepest place in my heart. I don't know what I can do to repay what you have given me, but I will find a way. Somehow.

Judgement

We live in a society that is full of judgement. Too fat, too skinny, too rich, too poor, too much makeup, needs more makeup, overrated, underrated, old as dirt, naive, crazy, fake and so on and so forth. Why is it up to us to decide what is right? What is right for us and what is right for others is not the same.

I had a saying when I worked in the school that fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same things, fair is everyone getting what they need. I wish that more people took on this motto. Calling someone out on what they have or their appearance won't make you feel any better about your situation. Now, life may not always be fair, but it isn't meant to be. I think life would be a little bit easier to get through if people would just stop being total assholes and have some compassion and empathy.

Hating someone isn't going to bring more love in to your life.

Friend Friday: Meghan

I know that I skipped friend Friday last week. I was just not able to get on to post. So I may do two posts tonight. We will see where the night takes me. I also have to finish three chapters on my book tonight or else I will be disappointed in myself.

Anyways, tonight I want to talk about a friend who is pretty far away, but still very close to me. We have been friends since the second grade and have had some very rough patches in our relationship, but through it all we always come back to each other.

Meghan is one of the strongest women I know. She has been through quite a lot in her lifetime and has overcome so much. She is truly so strong. Meghan and I used to do the most ridiculous things when we were younger and pretend they were totally awesome. I owe my love of anything hockey to her. I used to love going to watch her play!

We went to elementary school, middle school, and high school together. I have so many fond memories of that time. We used to walk down to the dollar store and get ridiculous grape drinks that tasted like Dimetapp and pretend we were drunk after. We would cast pretend spells and mix crazy concoctions in my bathroom. We were ridiculous. As time went on we grew up from grape drinks, and drank Gatorade and vodka instead. As we grew up we may have grown apart a bit, but always held on to those special memories we had.

I don't know what it is about Meghan, but we are truly bonded for life. No matter what crazy things happen between us, we put all of the bullshit aside and when we need each other, we are always there. She has been there for me at some very low points in my life, and she knows who I am to my core. Meghan has been through so much, yet still prevails. I wish her every happiness under the sun, moon, and stars. She is truly deserving of wonderful things.

Overwhelming Support

So, since I have started to blog consistently a lot of people have been reaching out and showing their support. It is so incredible to have so many people rooting for us. Most things I write about aren't super easy to talk about, and I know it can make people feel uncomfortable. Please know that I am so thankful to each and every one of you who have reached out, and those of you who just read.

Seeing how many views my blog has gotten and reading the private messages really and truly empowers me. So once again, thank you so very much for all of your overwhelming support. Your impact in this journey means more than you will ever know.

Negative Test, Not So Negative Attitude

This morning, and well, if I am being honest, late last night I decided it would be a great idea to take a pregnancy test. Why? Well I had two consecutive nights of dreams that I peed on a stick and got positive results. So that has to be a sign right? Obviously, because I am so flipping psychic it has to be true right?

Wrong. I thought the OPKs were depressing when they were super white, well that was nothing compared to how ridiculously white those pregnancy tests were. If you stared straight into a solar eclipse it would not be as completely blinding as what stared back at me this morning.I know it may be early, and I know nothing is for sure until my monthly bill gets here, but it is still so defeating. 

I did well today in the sense that I didn't completely break down. Just a few tear ups and fallen tears came over me. This morning was tough because I was all alone, but I got through it. Why? Because I am fucking tough, that's why. Or, at least that is what I am choosing to believe for the time being.

 

Tomorrow is a new day, that will bring its own set of struggles, and I am prepared to face them. I let myself be sad today, but tomorrow, I move on. Tomorrow I take steps forward, and don't look back. I don't have a lot of control in this process, but I can control how I allow it to affect my life.

 

 

Jack Skellington

Last night I got to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time of the season. It was great! We blew up and air mattress and we had homemade hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies made from scratch. I even picked up some candy apples! It was awesome! It was definitely the most special night I have had in a long time. 

While I was watching Jack discover this new world of Christmas, I couldn't help but think how mind blowing and life changing that would actually be. Imagine knowing one world your whole life and then finding out there was so much more to it. You would never be able to understand the culture and the traditions. It makes me sad that Jack was never able to truly grasp the wonder of this other world because he lacked the ability to understand it. 

He goes through the whole story unable to figure this marvelous thing out, and then in the end he finds all the warmth and love within Sally. Which got me to think about why holidays bring out such emotion in people. maybe holidays aren't special days at all. It is just on those days we see the ones who surround us in a different way. 

 

I know I am getting all philosophical about a cartoon, but that is the reason I love this movie so very much. There are so many undertones to it, and so many different things to discuss with it. In fact, while we were watching the movie we had a conversation about whether or not Jack was evil. 

 

I said that it wasn't that Jack was evil, but it was that he didn't know anything else because he was brought up in a world where everything was evil, and evil was the norm. How could he know that his entire world was wrong when he had never experienced anything different? It wasn't until Jack discovered that there was more out there that he could open his heart up to love. Isn't that how it always has to happen, you are trapped in your own world until someone shows you there is more?

Jack Skellington is such an interesting character because he is so child-like, but he is also in a position of such power and has such adult characteristics. Watching him discover an outside world and grow in love is so truly interesting to me. Tim Burton did such an amazing job developing such a complex character in a way that both children and adults can admire for so many different reasons.

Cruel Dreams

Last night I had the cruelest dream ever. I dreamed that I took a pregnancy test, expecting a negative result, but instead it was positive. I ran out to Walmart to buy a present to surprise Alan because he was off at work. I couldn't find any baby stuff at all. It was so realistic that when I woke up I thought it was true, then I realized that it wasn't true. How disappointing. Sigh.

Ridiculousness

So I have this ridiculous secret. It is one, that I feel silly even admitting. I keep thinking that I am pregnant. Going over every weird symptom that I think I have in my head. When I say them out loud, I think I am ridiculous. When other people say, oh maybe you're pregnant, I think they are ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous. Right? I had Alan hide all of the pregnancy tests on me so I can't test until it is even possible for me to get a positive test. Blah. This is going to be a long wait.

Well, I guess it got me out of a ticket...

Last night was a bad night all around. There was craziness at the station, but that isn't anything new. Last night I found out one of my friends is pregnant with her second child. Two. She gets to have two within the time it has taken me to even have a shot at having one. Yeah, okay, I admit that I am throwing myself a little bit of a pity party, but I am entitled every now and again. I have been super good for the past couple of days!

So I find out this information right as I am about to go home. I bawl hysterically in my car and, I am speeding. I want to say for the record, that at times, I may have a lead foot, but I am a safe driver. So, I am the only car on the road at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday night/ Monday morning, and there is a State trooper hiding out. He pulls me over, and in the peak of my patheticness, he asks me if I am okay and I unleash my entire burden on him. Through my sobs, and he pats me on the shoulder tells me things will be okay, and doesn't even bring up the fact that I was doing 80 in a 55. Awesome. Now, I feel guilty about doing that. I wasn't trying to get out of  a ticket. I swear I was just in a bad spot.

So I get out ticket-less and head home. I sit in my car and cry for a good half hour and Jason Mraz's song, I Won't Give Up, comes on increasing my tear flow from normal cry to bawling. This song reminds me to keep trucking on, and I drag myself out of the car and go to bed. I am feeling much better today, so that's a good thing. I am allowed to break down as long as I build myself back up.

October

Today marks the beginning of my favorite month of the whole year! I don't care what the professionals say, October 1st is the first day of fall, and today is the perfect fall day. It is clear outside with a few puffy clouds, and a the trees are all changing their colors. There is a little chill in the air, but just a bit, and the air is clean. Today is perfect.

I get to start my Nightmare Before Christmas months, too! I only get to watch it from October to December, because otherwise I would watch it every single day. I would normally wake up and watch it first thing in the morning, but this year I have been requested to wait a day, and have a special movie night tomorrow. I am really excited about it! Usually, I just watch it by myself, but maybe this could be a new tradition! Like the Polar Express tradition.

I love creating new traditions that you can hold on to for life. It creates special memories that you can cherish forever. I think traditions with friends are the most important. It keeps you bonded through time, when life gets busy and in the way of your friendship. Nothing can ever stay the same, but with tradition, you can get those old moments back. You can look back fondly of the times you spent together and forget about the stuff in between. Friends are a different kind of family, the one you choose. (Not that I would not chose my own family, but you get what I am saying.) The ones you decide get to have a place in your heart. The ones who aren't obligated to stay there when times get tough, but they do anyways.

Say a little prayer

Last night when I got home I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I prayed, not just a quick prayer in which I take a moment from what I am doing and ask God for something, but really took the time out in my car, bowed my head down, and prayed long and hard.

I have always been a very spiritual person. I have never been super religious, but I don't think that matters too much. Last night I prayed for a chance. All I am asking for is one miracle. Every twinge I feel, brings me hope and fear at the same time. Each ache that I feel in my lower abdomen makes me wonder if my baby is snuggling in for a cozy nine months, or if it is preparing for a new cycle. 

With everyone around me so confident that this is it, I start to feel so hopeful. I have to try to keep myself grounded, The problem is early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS symptoms. So I am over-analyzing every little thing. At least I know now that this dosage of Clomid actually works, and that is a good thing.

Two years I have been waiting for this chance. It seems so odd that it has actually happened. I need to relish in that fact, that we have a chance. Even if we miss this chance, we will have another.

Confirmation

Today, I went in for my second blood draw to check my progesterone levels. I got the call that confirmed that I did ovulate. Hooray! This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride. I am so lucky and thankful to have such wonderful people supporting me. When I received the call there was a rush of calm that overtook me. This worked. (Not in the sense that I am pregnant, but the medicine did what it was supposed to do.)

Hell, I will even take the ridiculously hideous bruise in my left arm because I got the news that I wanted. Right now my mind is too fuzzy to really write, but I wanted to get this out there.

Now begins the longest two weeks of my life...

New Shift

So I got a new shift at work! One that allows for a social life. That is exciting. No real point to this post except to inform the masses that I will now be available to hang out! Well in a couple of weeks when it takes effect! Wooo!

Speed Bumps

So, today I went for blood work to see if I ovulated. They checked my progesterone levels and they were barely elevated. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but I have to go back in on Friday so they can steal more of my blood. I am wondering if it is just too soon after ovulation that it didn't read. I am wondering a lot of things, actually.

Mostly wondering about why every time I feel like we have passed a hurdle another one pops up. Or, maybe this is the same hurdle that we just can't pass. I am hoping my levels go up, and they can see a clear surge. I'm hoping this is the last blood draw and that this cycle will be successful.

On an similar, but mostly unrelated note, my thyroid levels are finally under control. That's good. I'm excited about that at least. That means not having to get used to another dosage and feeling sick for two weeks! Hooray!

All in all I am not as emotional as I thought I would be. This news, while it isn't the best, certainly isn't the worst. I am wondering if they will up my dosage for next cycle. Tonight I am going to focus on having fun and being in the moment because yes, things kind of suck right now, but this is my only chance to live in this moment.

The Art of Squatting

Last night we were helping our friend do some work on his truck. He came to pick me up and we were meeting Alan at his father's shop. Alan was meeting us directly after work, and we got there first. I have a few really weird quirks. One of them being that I have issues with public restrooms. Not just the normal, "Oh, I will put down toilet paper on the seat" issues. If I inspect a bathroom, and it doesn't meet my standards, I will NOT use it.

So, I guess you can tell where this is heading. I have become quite good at being able to squat in public. This comes in handy while camping, boating, hiking and life in general.My first experience, that I can remember, of peeing outside occurred when I was about 7 or 8, My mum, my aunt, my sisters and two of my cousins all went for a hike to the Blue Hills. I had to pee so badly! This is when my mum decided it was time to teach me how to pee in the woods. Well, it didn't exactly go as planned. What exactly my mum said to me has been lost in my mind somewhere, but it was similar to, "You just makes sure no one is around, pull down your pants, and go." I took this quite literally.

There halfway up the mountain, I peed for the first time outside. It didn't go exactly as planned. As most first times often do. So I did exactly what my mum said, because at that point I was going to pee my pants. I pulled down my pants and I just let it flow. I leaned back, and peed. While standing up. A feat that most women can not do. For some unknown reason my mum put her hand out to stop me because I should have been squatting down, and she got in the way. I peed all over my mum's hand and arm. I was 7 give me a break. After the initial shock and anger of being peed on my mum realized how funny the situation actually was.

Anyways, 19 years, a phobia of public restrooms and a fear of people seeing my bum and I am still peeing outside. Although, I have gotten much better at it. I think most women over think this. The key is, to first decide in which location you are going to pee. Next you roll up the bottom of your pants, then you pull down your pants, and then you squat. It is important to pull down your pants first because that way the the bulk of your pants aren't in the way of doing what you need to do.

Yes, it is an art. Yes, I have mastered it, and yes I embrace this part of me!

Unexpected Hope

Life is full of defining moments. Moments in which change everything. Everyone usually pictures these moments as huge things that get great attention from everyone you know, but usually, that isn't the case. Life isn't set up like the movies where you change after some coming of age tale and you all of a sudden have perfect clarity of life and understand the meaning behind it all. My defining moments have never been that way. They are usually very small things that change everything.

I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.

Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.

Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.

It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.

Charybdis

To say that this road has been easy would be a bold face lie. This road has been nothing but hell. It has been long, stressful, and full of tears. It has shaken my relationship with Alan, and we are still holding strong, but that isn't to say that we haven't had rocky patches. In fact, we have had many.

It is the man's job to be strong for his woman. To never bend or break, but who is there when he is shaken and hurting? Not many. Women are usually the face of infertility. Women are the ones that take the heat for it, but what about the men? Our problems aren't Male Factor, but Alan is still struggling with infertility. Even if it is second hand. He has been so strong for too long, and it hasn't been easy on him. What makes it harder? Holding everything in.

The way Alan and I fight, is different than the way most couples fight, but it works for us. We get in to a massive blow out about everything else that is wrong, and hash it out until we get to the core issue at hand. This happened last night. Aside from all of the petty drama that everyone has we got to the underlying issues. They are big ones, and they are uncontrollable. It isn't fair that Alan has to suffer silently while I can vocalize my feelings.

These fights involve me bawling my eyes out, getting really mad, really stubborn, and shutting down. This gives way to Alan being able to actually verbalize what he is feeling. When I am done being a pissy little bitch, we actually talk like grown ups. We try to never go to bed angry, or at least we work through some stuff, and say, "Listen, it's four o'clock in the morning, we are ok now, we still love each other, let's talk about it when we both have our heads on straight." It works. It has always been the way we have done things. Since our very first fight in our relationship. It took place in the parking lot of our first apartment.

Last night we got in to it. It was a pretty bad fight, but I knew that we would survive this one. As soon as I stopped being stubborn. We did, and today was a new day.