Things I Have Never Said

There are things that we keep closed off inside of our heads. Things we don't want people to know things that we are ashamed of. I am tired of being ashamed.

I want to be pregnant. I want to experience another life growing inside of me and knowing I am responsible for that bean. I want to be able to turn down drinks because I am pregnant, I want to be able to not look crazy in the baby section of a store. I want to be able to feel a kick, a punch a movement. If I am never able to get pregnant it will probably destroy me. 

I don't want to take this break, but I know we need to. I want to keep pressing on even if it means going in to a doctor's office on Christmas Eve.The thought of going through another holiday season without being pregnant kills me.

I feel like I do way more for some people than they deserve and not enough for the people that deserve it.

I am so selfish sometimes, and it sickens me. 

I am jealous of my sisters, and I hate myself for it.

I doubt myself constantly.

I constantly struggle with the scars from my past and I think it would be so much easier if that were still my life.

I put so much stock in my internet friendships and have come to care for them to the point where I value their opinions over  people that I have known longer.

I feel like I constantly let everyone down and that I can never be who they want me to be.

But Alan calms all of these thoughts down. He makes me able to breathe again. He is what turns my mind off and gives me moments of peace and quiet. He takes my crazy mind and all of these thoughts that spin around and around and puts them all on hold. My home is where he is. He is my shelter from this crazy world and this wild ride we are on. I don't say it enough, but Alan truly saved me. In so many different ways. I am thankful for each moment I get to share with him.

I am enough for him, and knowing that makes me feel invincible. So when all of these doubts come creeping in and keep me up at night, I look over at him sleeping peacefully and I lay back down and can rest knowing he is there next to me protecting me from the evil thoughts that I have about myself. He continues to build me up when I am a mere pile on the ground.