So today we are supposed to get our first big snow storm of the year! I am so excited! I love the snow, and not just the first snow, but every snow. Whether it is just a few flurries, or a full out blizzard. I love the snow.
If I could bottle the magic of snow and keep it to use during days where I feel down, I would never be sad again. I guess that isn't real life, though. You can't blanket your ugly times with fresh snow.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Last Conversations
It is kind of funny how you have someone in your life for so long and you take that for granted. My cousin is leaving for basic training in a few days he is having a going away party on Saturday, that I probably won't be able to make it to, so on Christmas day we spent the day with that side of the family and I got to have an amazing conversation with my cousin who is leaving.
I am not sure when I am going to be able to talk to him again, but our last conversation was so perfect. I am glad we got to share that moment alone. What we talked about isn't as important as the fact that we have got to have a moment. I don't know if it was as important was for him as it was for me, but it meant everything to me.
I am not sure when I am going to be able to talk to him again, but our last conversation was so perfect. I am glad we got to share that moment alone. What we talked about isn't as important as the fact that we have got to have a moment. I don't know if it was as important was for him as it was for me, but it meant everything to me.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Eve
Granted, it is technically Christmas now, but you catch my drift.
I miss the magic of Christmas Eve. The anticipation of the unknown, the wide-eyed wonder of the floating lights, and the strong excitement that lures you in to a sleep so deep you can't be stirred even when 8 magical reindeer are left unattended on your roof.
I don't know if I am missing the magic because I had to work tonight, or maybe it is because I didn't get to watch A Christmas Story on repeat. Perhaps, it is the fact that I know I won't be getting egg nog tomorrow. Or maybe it is because I am losing my faith in magic. Whatever the case may be, I am vowing to make sure Christmas does not lose its magic next year.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will search for that Christmas magic. Maybe I will even find it in someplace unpredictable.
I miss the magic of Christmas Eve. The anticipation of the unknown, the wide-eyed wonder of the floating lights, and the strong excitement that lures you in to a sleep so deep you can't be stirred even when 8 magical reindeer are left unattended on your roof.
I don't know if I am missing the magic because I had to work tonight, or maybe it is because I didn't get to watch A Christmas Story on repeat. Perhaps, it is the fact that I know I won't be getting egg nog tomorrow. Or maybe it is because I am losing my faith in magic. Whatever the case may be, I am vowing to make sure Christmas does not lose its magic next year.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will search for that Christmas magic. Maybe I will even find it in someplace unpredictable.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Gingies
Last night we decorated gingerbread men. Dave and Melissa came over and there was much fun to be had by all! Well, at least I had fun. Alan was up all day making the dough and the icing, and he was covered in flour when I got home. It was adorable. The last train came in early, so I left early and was home at around 11:20.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I love my traditions. I also really appreciate Alan and my friends putting up with me and going along with them. When friends come over it takes my mind off of the fact that I should be sharing these traditions with my children. We exchanged presents, and we laughed and watched trashy reality TV, and we truly just enjoyed each other. It was wonderful.
When I look back at the life I have lived so far, and think of all of the crazy stories from my life, they do not hold a candle to these memories. When the final seconds of my life are upon me, these are the memories that will bring me to peace.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I love my traditions. I also really appreciate Alan and my friends putting up with me and going along with them. When friends come over it takes my mind off of the fact that I should be sharing these traditions with my children. We exchanged presents, and we laughed and watched trashy reality TV, and we truly just enjoyed each other. It was wonderful.
When I look back at the life I have lived so far, and think of all of the crazy stories from my life, they do not hold a candle to these memories. When the final seconds of my life are upon me, these are the memories that will bring me to peace.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Pops and other noises!
Alan and I went to see the Holiday Pops last night. Our seats were awful, but the time we had was magnificent. It was nice to get away from everything and have a nice night out, just the two of us. The music was spectacular and we laughed and teased and it was splendid.
The night before that we hung out with some friends and my Goddaughter. I can't believe how big she is getting. It is insane. She has the most adorable laugh, though, and even though the Pops were great, they were nothing compared to that.
I also picked out a Charlie Brown tree because I refuse to not have a Christmas tree. It was a good two days off. I am glad we got to have some time, just the two of us.
The night before that we hung out with some friends and my Goddaughter. I can't believe how big she is getting. It is insane. She has the most adorable laugh, though, and even though the Pops were great, they were nothing compared to that.
I also picked out a Charlie Brown tree because I refuse to not have a Christmas tree. It was a good two days off. I am glad we got to have some time, just the two of us.
Patches
It is funny how we always try to cover stuff up. You rip your jeans, you throw a patch on it. There is a huge pothole in the street you patch it up. Patches cab be found everywhere and on everything. Even in relationships.
Sometimes people are so afraid with confronting a problem that they slap a quit patch job on it and move one.What they always seem to forget is, that those patches aren't a forever fix. That road is eventually going to have to be dug up and repaved, or the cloth will wear through, or eventually you are going to pick apart every tiny thing that someone does. It is human nature, and we are all guilty of it.
I think it is easy to let yourself get overwhelmed at an awkward situation and you build it up to be such a huge deal, that instead of confronting it, you choose to ignore it. Although, eventually, it is going to rear its ugly head, and you have two choices fight or flight. Now the term fight is used loosely here, but you get what I am saying.
The important thing to look at in this situation is, if you run, are you prepared for the repercussions?
Sometimes people are so afraid with confronting a problem that they slap a quit patch job on it and move one.What they always seem to forget is, that those patches aren't a forever fix. That road is eventually going to have to be dug up and repaved, or the cloth will wear through, or eventually you are going to pick apart every tiny thing that someone does. It is human nature, and we are all guilty of it.
I think it is easy to let yourself get overwhelmed at an awkward situation and you build it up to be such a huge deal, that instead of confronting it, you choose to ignore it. Although, eventually, it is going to rear its ugly head, and you have two choices fight or flight. Now the term fight is used loosely here, but you get what I am saying.
The important thing to look at in this situation is, if you run, are you prepared for the repercussions?
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Notebook
No, not the Nicholas Sparks book. As many of you know who read my blog I am a member of an online community that women can air their frustrations about trying to get pregnant, or ask questions about different methods of charting or just ask questions about different things that they have heard work or don't work. It is so much more than that. You start off by asking questions, and then you begin to develop relationships with these women.
Then you post on non- pregnant related posts, and you start joking and laughing and really getting to know these incredible women. You support them when they hit a low point, and you celebrate with them when they hit a high point. You laugh at their jokes, admire their creativity, bond over experiences, and get the same support back. I never thought that I would ever be a person who would develop lasting relationships with an internet stranger or strangers, but, before I knew it, I was added these women to my Facebook account, and sending them mail back and forth. I met up with several of them from all along the East Coast, and they have become my friends.
There has been one lady that I have come to care about very much. She is the sweetest woman I have ever "met" and, although, I have never met her face to face, I consider her one of my best friends. She is so sweet, and has brightened my day up several times. She always sends me cards that seem to get delivered at the perfect time. She has sent me paintings of my beloved Boston Harbor, a golden snitch necklace, several cards, a wonderful golden snitch ornament and a notebook.
To you, it may seem silly that I was so overwhelmed by a notebook, but it was so perfect. If you are reading this, I am assuming you have read my other posts, and how I often complain about inspiration hitting me, and then losing it shortly after that. In a world with so many people in it, it is easy to feel small and unheard, but this gift showed that someone was listening to me. Not that I don't think other people don't listen, but it was just nice to see that someone picked out a single phrase in a post I had written and gave me a gift that helped me keep my inspiration in tact.
To you it is merely a small notebook to put my thoughts in, but to me, it is a sign that someone is there listening. In such a big place, it is easy to feel alone, but for that moment when I opened up that package, I knew that I was being heard and that I was not alone. There isn't a real way to truly thank someone for how they make you feel, and I am kind of at a loss of how to truly thank this incredible woman for all that she has done for me and all she has given to me. She has given me so much more than I could ever express with words.
Just so you know I treasure your friendship so much, and I hope that one day our paths will cross and we are able to share some drinks and laughter together.
Then you post on non- pregnant related posts, and you start joking and laughing and really getting to know these incredible women. You support them when they hit a low point, and you celebrate with them when they hit a high point. You laugh at their jokes, admire their creativity, bond over experiences, and get the same support back. I never thought that I would ever be a person who would develop lasting relationships with an internet stranger or strangers, but, before I knew it, I was added these women to my Facebook account, and sending them mail back and forth. I met up with several of them from all along the East Coast, and they have become my friends.
There has been one lady that I have come to care about very much. She is the sweetest woman I have ever "met" and, although, I have never met her face to face, I consider her one of my best friends. She is so sweet, and has brightened my day up several times. She always sends me cards that seem to get delivered at the perfect time. She has sent me paintings of my beloved Boston Harbor, a golden snitch necklace, several cards, a wonderful golden snitch ornament and a notebook.
To you, it may seem silly that I was so overwhelmed by a notebook, but it was so perfect. If you are reading this, I am assuming you have read my other posts, and how I often complain about inspiration hitting me, and then losing it shortly after that. In a world with so many people in it, it is easy to feel small and unheard, but this gift showed that someone was listening to me. Not that I don't think other people don't listen, but it was just nice to see that someone picked out a single phrase in a post I had written and gave me a gift that helped me keep my inspiration in tact.
To you it is merely a small notebook to put my thoughts in, but to me, it is a sign that someone is there listening. In such a big place, it is easy to feel alone, but for that moment when I opened up that package, I knew that I was being heard and that I was not alone. There isn't a real way to truly thank someone for how they make you feel, and I am kind of at a loss of how to truly thank this incredible woman for all that she has done for me and all she has given to me. She has given me so much more than I could ever express with words.
Just so you know I treasure your friendship so much, and I hope that one day our paths will cross and we are able to share some drinks and laughter together.
Faith
Over the past couple of days, I have been thinking quite a bit about faith and religion and how they are two entirely different things. Faith is having a belief in something more powerful than yourself. Religion is a set of rules and guidelines you have to follow in order to get to heaven. People will do the most heinous things and say that it is in the name of their religion, for their god. How can that be?
I think the main problem in our society is judgement. Judging others based on gender, race, sexuality, religion, or anything else. The fact is not anyone of us is born any better than anyone else. If we could just realize that and show some compassion for our fellow person, I think the world could be and would be a better place. What we need to show faith in is humanity. We need to allow people to be who they are supposed to be.
I think people get too wrapped up in religion to realize that it doesn't matter what you believe in, but that you treat others with respect and love. There are many things that I don't agree with in my religion, but I still believe in something. Faith is important. Whether or not it is faith in a higher power or faith in humanity. We need teach acceptance instead of pretending things don't exist. What is important is that we are all people trying to live the best way that we can.
People are too wrapped up in themselves to realize they can play a bigger role. I don't know when it became acceptable to be mean or nasty to someone based on a look, or an accent, or a particular article of clothing. It makes me sad knowing that people can be so harsh and quick to lose sight that behind a turban, or a cross, or a yamaka, or any other material thing, there lies a soul of another human being.
I think the main problem in our society is judgement. Judging others based on gender, race, sexuality, religion, or anything else. The fact is not anyone of us is born any better than anyone else. If we could just realize that and show some compassion for our fellow person, I think the world could be and would be a better place. What we need to show faith in is humanity. We need to allow people to be who they are supposed to be.
I think people get too wrapped up in religion to realize that it doesn't matter what you believe in, but that you treat others with respect and love. There are many things that I don't agree with in my religion, but I still believe in something. Faith is important. Whether or not it is faith in a higher power or faith in humanity. We need teach acceptance instead of pretending things don't exist. What is important is that we are all people trying to live the best way that we can.
People are too wrapped up in themselves to realize they can play a bigger role. I don't know when it became acceptable to be mean or nasty to someone based on a look, or an accent, or a particular article of clothing. It makes me sad knowing that people can be so harsh and quick to lose sight that behind a turban, or a cross, or a yamaka, or any other material thing, there lies a soul of another human being.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Cut Off
I feel so cut off from everything. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that my laptop is gone, but I think it goes deeper than that. I feel so cut off from everyone around me. Even the people I know can relate to my situation. I want to close myself off and just be alone. I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to flip open my laptop and write all of these feelings out and get over it.
There are ways around that, but they aren't very conducive to my whole process. For example, right now I am typing this out on my phone, at the train station. My battery is dwindling down and the green is turning to yellow and will inevitably get to red. The screen is tiny, and the keyboard just isn't working as fast as my thoughts are coming.
I guess I have just been feeling really lonely lately. Not because I don't have friends or family around, but mainly because I have isolated myself and have gotten so wrapped up in myself and my situation. I hate being so whiny and emotional constantly. There are much bigger problems in the world right now than my empty uterus.
Maybe one day I will stop being so selfish. Maybe one day I won't have so much loathing, but for now, I am just going to pray hard. For everyone else who is hurting today.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Old and Grey
Every day at work, well every weekday, an old man comes in to the station and sits in the waiting area with a book. Then, a commuter train pulls in and the people file off and he gets up and waits for his wife to come along. They meet up, he takes her bag, and then they walk hand in hand to the car.
It is the cutest thing in the history of cute. This couple is so old and grey, yet they are still so in love and so happy with each other. It is so romantic. They remind me of the couple in Up. I really want to find out their story and see if it lives up to the picture I have created.
Then a part of me wants to just watch them from afar as to not destroy this perfect vision in my head. They may not see their lives as some sort of fairy tale romance, but for all of us looking in from the outside, it is nothing short of a happily ever after.
It is the cutest thing in the history of cute. This couple is so old and grey, yet they are still so in love and so happy with each other. It is so romantic. They remind me of the couple in Up. I really want to find out their story and see if it lives up to the picture I have created.
Then a part of me wants to just watch them from afar as to not destroy this perfect vision in my head. They may not see their lives as some sort of fairy tale romance, but for all of us looking in from the outside, it is nothing short of a happily ever after.
I Want My Miracle
I am tired of everyone else getting what I want. I mean is it really too much to ask for, just one small miracle. Just one. I have seen miraculous things happen my whole life. When do I get to stop being a witness and get awarded my miracle.
Is there some sort of list that I have to put my name on?
Is there some sort of list that I have to put my name on?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Comfort Foods
Today is a day for comfort foods. Alan made lasagna, and I am making turkey soup. I will freeze it and defrost it when I need a hug from the inside. Because that is all comfort food is, you know, a hug from the inside. The feeling of warmth you feel when it gets to your belly and you remember all of the things in the world that are good from your past. Comfort foods are the best thing you can possibly eat.
I had a really bad night last night. Knowing that we are out this cycle, there is little to no chance that I am pregnant. Three cycles of taking disgusting, chalky pills, of having spontaneous hot flashes, and awful mood swings. All it has done was prepare me for menopause.
I hate thinking about giving up, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. I have dreamed of this one thing for so very long, and I just feel like it is so far beyond my reach. I won't ever actually give up, but sometimes the thought of removing all of this self-inflicted pressure is euphoric. I don't want to take this break, but I know it is for the best and that Alan really needs it.
But for right now, for tonight, I will focus on filling my belly instead of filling my womb.
I had a really bad night last night. Knowing that we are out this cycle, there is little to no chance that I am pregnant. Three cycles of taking disgusting, chalky pills, of having spontaneous hot flashes, and awful mood swings. All it has done was prepare me for menopause.
I hate thinking about giving up, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. I have dreamed of this one thing for so very long, and I just feel like it is so far beyond my reach. I won't ever actually give up, but sometimes the thought of removing all of this self-inflicted pressure is euphoric. I don't want to take this break, but I know it is for the best and that Alan really needs it.
But for right now, for tonight, I will focus on filling my belly instead of filling my womb.
Monday, December 3, 2012
December
The last month in a shitty year. December has begun and it sucks. I am ready to move on and get on with 2013. It has to be better. Isn't that what the new year is supposed to bring in? Hope, promise of better things. I call bullshit, but maybe I will be surprised this year. Maybe it will be a better year. Who knows. I certainly don't. I just know that I am tired of being so glum all of the time.
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