Madness.

I am mad at my ovaries. They aren't working. I have yet to ovulate. I am mad at myself because I have become something I never wanted to be.

I am mad because my laptop shit the bed. I lost most of my writing.

I am mad at how sensitive I have been with the cold weather.

I am mad that there in never sugar at work when I want it.

I am mad that the Bruins have yet to play a game.

I am sure I will add to this more later.

I wish I were a star.

Why am I so easy to cast aside?

 Sometimes I wish I could escape to the stars and twinkle down on all the people who feel comfort in the great beyond. Floating forever into infinity with the ability to be millions of miles away, yet still be seen and still be ever present. You can't shun a star, you can't look at all of the stars in the sky and dismiss just one. Stars are part of something, a small piece of a magnificent whole, blanketing the cold, lonely, and abandoned. Embracing the weak and fragile and giving them hope. Helping people but never feeling the wrath of betrayal, never getting my hopes up that someone will keep the promises of their past.

 I take comfort in the stars because even when they have fizzled out, they are still seen and wished on. Even if it is false they still offer the comfort people seek. If only I could be a star,  I could burn bright until I ran out of the things I need and then disappear in a grand display. All at once I am a fantastic flash, and then I am gone and forgotten, and there is an empty space where I used to be.

Things I Have Never Said

There are things that we keep closed off inside of our heads. Things we don't want people to know things that we are ashamed of. I am tired of being ashamed.

I want to be pregnant. I want to experience another life growing inside of me and knowing I am responsible for that bean. I want to be able to turn down drinks because I am pregnant, I want to be able to not look crazy in the baby section of a store. I want to be able to feel a kick, a punch a movement. If I am never able to get pregnant it will probably destroy me. 

I don't want to take this break, but I know we need to. I want to keep pressing on even if it means going in to a doctor's office on Christmas Eve.The thought of going through another holiday season without being pregnant kills me.

I feel like I do way more for some people than they deserve and not enough for the people that deserve it.

I am so selfish sometimes, and it sickens me. 

I am jealous of my sisters, and I hate myself for it.

I doubt myself constantly.

I constantly struggle with the scars from my past and I think it would be so much easier if that were still my life.

I put so much stock in my internet friendships and have come to care for them to the point where I value their opinions over  people that I have known longer.

I feel like I constantly let everyone down and that I can never be who they want me to be.

But Alan calms all of these thoughts down. He makes me able to breathe again. He is what turns my mind off and gives me moments of peace and quiet. He takes my crazy mind and all of these thoughts that spin around and around and puts them all on hold. My home is where he is. He is my shelter from this crazy world and this wild ride we are on. I don't say it enough, but Alan truly saved me. In so many different ways. I am thankful for each moment I get to share with him.

I am enough for him, and knowing that makes me feel invincible. So when all of these doubts come creeping in and keep me up at night, I look over at him sleeping peacefully and I lay back down and can rest knowing he is there next to me protecting me from the evil thoughts that I have about myself. He continues to build me up when I am a mere pile on the ground.

Really People?

So we just came back from Black Friday shopping at Wal-mart. All in all it was not worth the experience. I don't like crowds of people and I don't like people being rude and inconsiderate. The only reason we went out is because I was up and working anyways. We will not be attending that location next year. The people there were exceptionally asshole-ish. The people working just stood around doing nothing but talking to their friends. People were fighting or yelling at each other. It just made me sad. Sad that people are so focused on getting an average deal on a new TV that they forget that they are dealing with other human beings. I can never imagine being that way.

Well, I am going to bed to spend some time with my puppies and my husband who I barely got to see today. Good night all!

Insanity

So, it is widely known that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Well, now I truly know why women are all deemed insane. Isn't that what we do consistently? I mean this whole process of trying to have a baby. Each month we do the same thing over and over and over expecting different results. Women to their very core are insane.

On the flip side of that, women also disprove that by repeating the same actions time in and time out, but then they do get different results. So women are an exception to the insanity rule.

Seems to me that the definition of insanity could be the same for hope. Hope is such a touchy thing. It can be good, but it can also bring such a burden with it. With this insanity, and hope comes a lot of stress. 

Alan and I have decided that it will be in our best interest to take a break from all treatments until after the holidays. Of course, we are still very hopeful that this cycle will work for us, but if it isn't we both think a mental break is something we need to reconnect as a couple instead of constantly trying to plan out timing of intimacies and losing the enjoyment and fulfillment of our relationship.

We figured after this cycle, our treatments are going to get more intrusive and instead of just diving in to this whole new world of belly shots (not to be confused with the ever so fun body shots), IUI's, and even further hormone messing we are going to take some time for ourselves to enjoy the holidays and our families.

I just need an emotional break from it all before I pump myself up with even more hormones. Alan does to. I will most likely be infertile after the holidays, and we aren't running away from our problems, we are just putting them on the back burner for a little bit. We are also planning on being very open and honest with our families when we get the questions about starting a family.

In my opinion, Alan and I have already started a family. We started it 6 years ago when we met on a boat on a cold winter's night, and yes, we would like to add to it, but you aren't given a timeline when you are born, and just because we aren't the standard, doesn't mean we are any less of a family.

Hanging Out

So yesterday Alan and I went to visit my mum, then we headed to the mall. It was kind of crazy, but I got a pretzel so it is ok. We ran in to a couple of people we knew and I got to meet their son! He was so absolutely adorable.

Then we went out bowling with Dave and Melissa. It was nice, and we ran in to a old friend and caught up a bit. It's funny. We can never go anywhere without seeing someone! I had a totally kick ass game, and it didn't even matter because no one was even paying attention. Boo to them!

Anyways, today I went out to lunch with a friend and got to hang out with her baby who is adorable! Then we went and checked out Kohl's for a bit, did some shopping, and headed home. On the way home we stopped so I could get my eyebrows waxed. They must have changed the lotiony oil stuff that they use for afterwards because I had such a bad allergic reaction to it. My eye brows swelled up and they were so super itchy! I have to remember to ask them not to use it next time. Now we are back home enjoying some hot chocolate and Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows P2). Perfect!

Tonight we are heading out to hang out with some friends. It makes me happy when I feel like I actually do things on my days off! It makes them last longer.

Visiting Mum

Today I got to see my mum! It is about time, too! We stopped by to give her her birthday present, which she loved! It was nice to see her even if it was in a place of previous employment. It was nice to see some people that I haven't seen in a while, but mostly it was just nice to get a huge hug from my mum.

We used to be able to spend all of this time together because we worked together, but I guess life got in the way of that, too. I miss her, and when I say my mum is one of my best friends, I am not saying that because I feel obligated. She truly is.

I can talk to my mum about anything, and even though I may get frustrated with her and her with me, we both know it isn't going to stop us from loving each other ever. As much as family can get annoying or you feel obligated to spend time with them, my family is truly wonderful and my rock.

You Just Don't Get it

You just don't get it, do you? You don't get the pain that I feel in my heart everyday. The emptiness is so huge I feel as though it is going to rip me open. And you stand there and tell me not to worry. Don't stress so much, you have time. That time is ticking away each movement of the arms of the clock reminds me that time is ticking away.

Those tick tocks are painful reminders of memories I should be making. Genuine smiles I could be sharing, but I am not. My painted on smile hides away my rage, my sadness, my grief but you just see it as a smile. It has to mean I am happy right? You couldn't be more wrong.Or is it that you just want to keep on playing pretend. To mute what is really going on.

I don't expect you to understand, but I also don't expect you to be so cliche. I am tired. Tired of dragging this burden. Tired of saying, you are probably right, when you aren't. I just don't have the energy to fight you when I am already fighting an inner battle. You don't get it, and I am glad that you don't, but please don't patronize me because you think you have all of this knowledge.

Day in and day out I deal with this, and you are supposed to help me through. You are absent in this war raging on within me and you don't even realize it. You hide away from the conversation and you hide away from the emotions. You are hiding away from me, from who I am.

The Power of a Flower

The other day at work a passenger brought me in a flowering plant. It is beautiful. It has little yellow flowers that could brighten up anyone’s day! I am going to leave it in work to remind me that even though sometimes it may seem like I don’t make a difference in people’s lives, I can.

Sometimes it can be really hard moving on from a job where I had so much impact on the lives of children, and I could see how much I helped them out, to moving to a job where I sit behind a window and sell tickets to the public. Most people disregard me, just as I disregard some people. Occasionally, you come across some people who will have meaningless small talk with you because they have time to kill before their train leaves and they are just as afraid of being lonely and bored before their train leaves as they are on their commute in to the station, without the radio blaring to distract them. All they crave is a little bit of human interaction before they divulge themselves into their status reports or their work e-mails on the train. Then there are some people who you see week in and week out and you develop a relationship with them. Those are the people who brighten up your night and put you in a good mood.

And it is one of those people who brightened my night with such an awesome gift. A gift that will put a smile on my face every time I glance over and catch these gorgeous hues of yellow in the corner of my eye. It means so much to me that someone would think of me in such a wonderful way that they would take time out of their incredibly busy schedule and stop and pick out something for me. In a world when it is so easy to feel unimportant and overlooked, it is so nice to know that, at least in some small way, you have impacted someone’s life enough for them to take a moment and think of you.

I am sad that this passenger will no longer be traveling and picking up their ticket with me, but I hope that they enjoy their new life in a new city and that all will be well for them. Even though they will no longer warm up my station with their bright smile and great outlook, I will still think of them and they will still brighten my heart on a day that it seems like nothing is going right.

Onward to 3

So we are officially going through our third medicated cycle. This is our last cycle without further intervention. Once again, I am not super optimistic. I just feel like if everything is in place and has been consistently for two straight cycles, this one isn't going to be any different. The logical side of me knows that if you are ovulating normally it can still take up to a year to get pregnant. Unfortunately, in this process my emotional side is taking the reins.

I have been trying to focus on different things. Like my book. I have been brainstorming a lot, and I need to start bringing a notebook with me so I can jot things down when inspiration strikes. The more and more I think about things, the more I am getting emotionally involved in my characters' lives. Pretty awesome.

I have to remember to start going out and doing things on my days off and not focus on my sorrow all of the time. Even though I am in this horribly shitty position, it doesn't mean that I can't seek joy from elsewhere. That is what I intend on doing.

Sometimes it is hard to get away from it. I know we have other options if this cycle fails, and I guess if I don't have any hope for myself, I have hope and science and a belief that God will be blessing me. And yes, the two can go together. I hope that I will be able to shake out of this rut that I am in. I have faith that I can. I know I can't worry about what will be in a month, but it is so hard not to, but this month I am going to focus on all the good in my life and just live in the moment. I will worry about next steps when it is time to.

Give me a break!

Aside from the obvious infertile woes, I am having a bad night.

People have been weird all week, but tonight it is just all coming to a head and I am running out of patience. Tonight was going alright until it just wasn't anymore. I got called over to the train to help someone with a wheelchair, it ended in disaster. I felt so awful and was close to tears returning to the station.

Then, a regular customer came up and asked me to print his tickets out. I couldn't because I had already closed out for the night. I told him out system is shut down at 10 and we can't do any more transactions. He didn't believe me and said that I had printed the tickets out this late for him before. No I hadn't. His usual train was canceled and he came in an hour later than he is used to. To asked to speak to a manager, but as we all know I am alone here at night. I told him that, and he accused me of lying once again. I don't know why I would lie about all this. Wouldn't it make my life much easier to just appease him and print out the tickets if I was able to?


Then minutes after that a woman came over to yell at me because the cab companies weren't picking up their phones and that there was no service in the building. I told her to step outside and she would get service. The dome in here affects the signal. She looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes and said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard, and didn't I know it was cold outside. Yes, I control the cell signal and the weather and purposely made it so her night would be ruined.

I am considering hiding for the rest of the night and not coming out until the new year. The new year holds such promise for people...

Tired of the negativity

I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative, again. I'm sick and tired of seeing such stark white tests, yet for some reason I can't stop taking them. Hope is such a bitch.

I just wish for once something was just easy for me, because it never is. I hate that I have to stand by and watch people I know get to experience everything I want. I am going to avoid writing more because I am too damn pathetic to even stomach myself.

Doubt

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. I have had a lot of things going on that I can't really discuss on a public forum, or not that I can't discuss it, I have chosen to take the high road and NOT discuss it. Wouldn't hurt a few people to do the same.

Anyways, I am about 9 days past ovulation, and I am trying not to freak myself out. I plan on testing Tuesday, but I am not very optimistic about it. I am expecting to get a visit from my monthly friend any day now. Next cycle will be our last cycle with just the Clomid. If it doesn't work we will continue on with probably injectables.

Woo hoo, can't wait for that. It will probably end up being $3500 per cycle for that, and a maximum of three cycles. Then if that doesn't work it is on to I don't even know. Probably IVF. You know, the thing republicans want to outlaw because it is murder, or whatever it is that they re saying.

I just have this feeling of inevitable doubt. It is constantly surrounding me, and I just wish that I wasn't so informed. Why is it so easy for the most undeserving people? I don't understand how some people can just have everything handed to them and barely struggle with anything in life, and the good ones always get screwed.