Medicated Cycle 2

Has been successful in the sense that the Clomid made me ovulate. I ovulated earlier than last cycle. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I will start testing next week sometime probably. I am not super optimistic, as I have said, but I am more than willing to be pleasantly surprised. I have been hoping, praying, wishing on stars, and doing just about everything I can think of.

While we were in New Hampshire, I bought a tile to put up on the window in our bedroom. It had a fertility symbol on it. Yes, I realize I am grasping at straws here, but you really cant blame me. I have been watching a lot of Supernatural lately. (Possible spoiler alerts if you haven't watched the series)

A lot of people in the show make deals with demons in order to bring back loved ones, or get something they want. I don't think that I would ever make a deal with a demon, but I can see why some people would. In desperate times people will make rash and desperate decisions. Impulse is not something you can usually ignore. Most demons give you ten years before they come knocking at the door for your soul.

So, I wonder, for whom would I trade my soul? Is it my unborn child? No, because even though I 
don't have children yet, if I was ever offered a deal like that, I would like to think that I would decline it so that my child would not grow up motherless. I would put my unborn child before myself. Isn't that what a mother or a parent does? Puts their own dreams and wishes aside for the benefit of the child?

Now, I know this is an unlikely scenario, but it gives me a little bit of faith in myself, makes me happy to know I would do right by my children. Even if I don't have them yet.

Storm Chasing!

There was a hurricane that passed through! Alan and I went out to stormchase and look at the ocean go crazy. It was pretty awesome to see what mother nature can produce.

Our power was only out for a minimal amount of time, and we didn't experience a lot of damage which was good. It was really nice snuggling up under the blankies and watching the flicker of the candlelight.

Even though it was nice to cuddle up and just have ourselves last night, I was very happy to wake up with electricity. We were very fortunate during this storm. The last storm we had lost power for five days. I am very grateful to the hard workers of National Grid who must have put in many many hours of hard work to get everyone up and running. I am so appreciative of these hard workers.

When Irene hit a while back, Alan and I had to go and take showers at his parents house. There were loose wires outside of their neighbor's house and there was a man stationed there. I brought him out some food, because he had been there for awhile. We started talking, shocking, I know! He told me all of these awful stories about how nasty people were to him when they saw his National Grid shirt or badge. It made me really sad that people would lash out at him for the outages. It wasn't his fault, and as far as I am concerned the power companies have done a wonderful job communicating to their customers and getting things set as soon as possible.

Days Off

My days off this week were pretty good! Tuesday I vegged out for most of the day, and then I got to talk to Melissa for like 4 hours. Then we had a little movie night and drank some cider. It was nice and relaxing. It was fun to lip sync and dance to Rock of Ages, and just be goofy.

Wednesday we went to Pumpkin Spectacular at Roger Williams Park Zoo. It was sensational! They lay out 5000 pumpkins and it is unbelievable. They have different genres and they were all so exquisite! There were pumpkins as far as the eye could see! They set them up so it looked like they were floating on the lake, and they had them hanging in trees! It was amazing!

I also got my first pumpkin ale of the season. Yes, I know it is very late, but I have been trying not to drink much. It was delicious, though and it had a perfect little cinnamon sugar rim! Yummy! I tried to get Alan to dance with me, but he wasn't having it. maybe he will dance with me in the kitchen someday soon.

Aside from that I didn't do anything. I was a lazy bum. Now, tomorrow I have to do laundry. Blah. Oh, well! I don't regret using my days off to rest!

I got a positive OPK yesterday, so that is exciting.

Meteors

Tonight while I was outside of my house talking to my neighbor, I looked up into the sky and saw a meteor! It so cool to see it shooting across the sky in all of its glory. I was glad that I was looking up at the sky and I saw it! It was such a cool thing to witness. I made a wish, and I felt like it was a good sign.

It flew across the sky and it ended in a bunch of sparks!

The downside of knowledge

So this cycle I have decided to chart again for the first time in about a year. For those of you reading who do not know what this means, it is when a woman takes her temperature at the same time every day to pinpoint ovulation. I will not gross you out with the other things that you can monitor because you don't need to know that, but this is a method that women have been using for quite some time to try and get pregnant.

So I have been staring at my chart for hours. Nothing has changed, it isn't going to tell me anything at thins point anyways, so I don't know why I have been, but I am going nuts analyzing, googling, clicking... I have issues. They say ignorance is bliss, I never agreed with them, but maybe they are right. Who are they anyways?

So, I'm charting, peeing on sticks, being monitored by the doctor, and making sure I have all of this information available to me, and it is driving me bananas. I should just stop, but I have all of these resources at my disposal, why not use them. Right? I just don't know. I do know I won't stop, so there is no point in even talking it out. I am just so sick of being in this place.

Sometimes I wish that it were just as easy for me as it was for any girl ever on MTV.  I wish I didn't have to know all of this stuff about how cycles work and hormone levels and blah blah blah. I am glad I know all of this stuff, but I hate the reasons behind knowing it. Science is wonderful and knowledge is great, but sometimes I wish I weren't so smart.

OT Oh, No!

Yesterday I decided it would be a good idea to pick up some extra hours at work because I has one unpaid day at work. It was a bad idea. I was completely exhausted by the time midnight hit. I was really nervous for a bit that I was going to crash my car because I was going to fall asleep at the wheel. Alan offered to come and get me, but I told him no. I found a way to wake myself up (I ate some spicy salsa and chugged some ice cold water) and I got home safely with the music blaring and windows down.

Obviously, I got home safely, but it isn't something I will be doing again. The only time I will take an overtime shift again will be on my day off.

It is starting again...

I bought some new work clothes, but I bought them bigger than I need to make room for my phantom baby. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I can't help it. This cycle I am not feeling defeated, but I am not optimistic either. It is hard to take drugs knowing what they are going to do to you and not get your hopes up. It is easier to blame yourself than to question science.

I guess this cycle I have periods of just feeling numb. Numb to this whole experience. Praying that I won't hear about someone else getting pregnant. Hoping that I won't get angry and flip the channel when I see a baby related commercial, and then going back to the shielding and numbness. Shielding your heart from more disappointment, more angst. Just simply going through the motions until the next inevitable step happens. Wondering if more treatments will be the solution or if you will just be left disappointed, yet again.

I know there are other women who have struggled longer than I have, and that just makes me feel even worse about feeling this way. Now I am just being selfish. I wish I had the words to get my true feelings out. I wish I could explain why I get so angry when people tell me to enjoy my childless life while I can. I wish that I could describe the conflicting emotions I have when I am holding someone's child. But mostly, I wish I could experience being a mother.

A Mini Getaway

So Alan and I took a mini getaway. We went up to his family's chalet in North Conway and it was exactly what we needed! It was nice to be able to shut off all of our electronic devices and just be with each other. Not being worried with anything else. Just being ourselves and us.

We drove up on Wednesday afternoon; did a bit of food shopping, went back to the chalet and made dinner. We watched a couple of movies, brought the mattress out into the living room and slept there. In the process of moving the mattress I was attacked by a huge bug, which I later found out was a stink bug. Ok, so I wasn't really attacked, but Alan wouldn't come save me because I told him I could move everything by myself because it was my idea. After I got over that traumatizing event, we just slept out in the living room. Before I was about to fall asleep another stink bug showed up and I threw it across the room! It was terrifying. Thankfully, that was the last of our bug issues.

Thursday we got up, whenever we felt like it and decided to go searching for some waterfalls. We were going to go to four, but ended up only doing two. The first one was closed because they were doing maintenance on the parking lot. Which is a real bummer because it is the one I really wanted to get to, but there is always next time. The second one we couldn't figure out which trail to take to get there the fastest, and we decided that it would be better to have a whole day to do that one, so we will get to that one next time, as well. The third one was amazing! It was called Rocky Gorge. After we got to the main part of the trail, we decided to take the path away from the falls and see where it would bring us. It brought us to a magnificent lake. It was as smooth as glass and we could see all of the fish and turtles swimming about. The water was so flat that it mirrored the tress and the sky. It was right out of a painting. After we got back to the car, we headed down the road to another area called the lower falls. We climbed all over the rocks and just sat for a bit. Just being together. It was lovely.

We decided to go in to Conway Center and check out all of the outlet stores and see what they had to offer. We ended up getting a bunch of stuff, and I even got a new Coach purse out of the deal! It was a $330 bag that I got for $111! I am so excited! I also found out how to clean my old purse! Hooray! We shopped at Old Navy and got some great deals on some clothes! It was a nice day. Then we went back to the chalet and made dinner and watched another movie. Alan fell asleep in the recliner, and I made fun of him!

Friday was our last full day there. We lounged around a bit and had eccentric plans to go out to a nice dinner that night. We ended up hitting all of the old time stores, but didn't really find much. It was nice to fool around in the stores and just be goofy. We got lunch at Horsefeathers and it was very good. Alan got the chicken parm sandwich, and I got swordfish with black bean salsa. I wish I could have it again it was so delicious!

We headed back because it was a dreary day, and decided to just grab pizza for dinner and snuggle up on the couch. It was a perfect mini getaway. I am missing it already. Going up to the chalet was the first trip Alan and I took together, and every time we go up there it makes me remember that time in our relationship. It was a time when there was no stress just us. It felt so good to get away from reality, even if it was for just a few days.

New York

So most people assume that I hate New York because of the sports rivalries. Well, I don't particularly like baseball or football, and I don't really consider the Rangers a huge rival, and we all know that hockey is what matters most to me. So, no I don't hate New York because of the sports. I hate New York because the majority of people there are assholes. Now, I do not believe that the citizens of New York are assholes. In fact, I am pretty fond of most everyone I personally know from New York. I think the tourists are the assholes. I think that people feel like the can act like jerks in the city because people assume that is how New York is. I got to spend the night in New York on Tuesday, and I remembered why I hated it so much.

After we got to Lincoln Center, via a cab that dropped us in a totally different space, we waited for doors to open to the greatest event of our lives. *Insert babbling, uncontrollable emotion here* After we saw J.K. we decided to get a bite to eat. We spot a place close to the theater that looked promising. It is a pub, and we figured we couldn't go wrong.

We each ordered a glass of wine in the hopes that the serving size would match the cost. ($11 for a glass of wine whose bottle sells for $12.97 a bottle. I found this out later in the week.) It did. As we sipped the first wonderful sips of our special treat we felt invincible! Melissa ordered a French Onion soup, and I decided after hers had arrived that I would also have one. After that, our night turned sour.

 The people behind us had a ridiculous amount of Harry Potter merchandise, and were discussing how they could sell their signed copies of the book. It was disgusting, and I was completely outraged by the lack of respect they had for my idol.

After we had ordered dinner, (which was not very good at all), the waitress had decided that we weren't going to tip well and had decided to ignore us. Melissa ordered another glass of wine which 15 minutes later she decided to cancel because it still hadn't arrived. A manager brought it over, and I complained to her about the lack of service. She took the wine off the bill, but didn't apologize for the wait, or the service. After ten more minutes I finally asked a busboy if he could get our check for us. We got out check and left quickly after, in the hopes that we could find a place to get dessert.

After a cab ride through Times Square, we were back at Penn Station to find somewhere closer that we could get a tasty treat. After searching through the whole train station and having to attempt to save Melissa's life from a crazy guy who wanted to steal her we finally found a place that was open! (For a city that doesn't sleep, there aren't a lot of places open at midnight.) We went to a diner that was open 24 hours. Awesome! Diners near train stations are always fantastic!

I decided that I was done with New York and wanted to feel at home. So I ordered a slice of apple pie and a hot chocolate. Melissa wanted cheesecake, but they were out so she got a milkshake and Nutella crepes! My Apple pie was cold, and tasted like coconut. It was weird. My Hot chocolate had oil drops in it, so I decided I wouldn't drink anymore of it. Melissa's shake had a funny after taste, and she didn't drink it.

The best part about the meal were Melissa's crepes, though. Apparently, if you are a 24 hour diner in New York City, you put croutons in your crepes for added texture. We decided that we were not going to finish out desserts and we would just go back and wait for our train.

It was a very interesting evening, but Melissa got it right. She said that seeing J.K. was so beyond phenomenal that it was truly fitting that our night afterwards would be strewn with mini disasters.

Amazing Experiences

So, on the 16th, I was blessed and was in the presence of the most amazing author this century has seen. I got to hear J.K. Rowling read her words about an incredible world that she has created. Once again, I am in complete awe of this woman.

If you haven't gotten the chance to read The Casual Vacancy, you should. It is the type of book that gives you chills long after you finish the book. It is a book that makes you jealous when you see other people reading it because they still have this whole world to discover. I don't want to give anything away for those of you who haven't yet read it, but it has jumped to the top of my favorites list. It is extremely provocative, and amazingly true. J.K. does an incredible job in creating a fictional word full of non-fiction. Her dedication to each of her characters is beyond a normal writer/character relationship making it impossible to not develop raw feelings towards each of them.

So Tuesday was beyond words. I wish that I could describe just how amazing this experience was, but there are no words. No words to describe how wholly this experience rocked me to my core. Seeing her answer questions. Listening to her spout off lines of pure genius, and yes, even talk about Hogwarts a little bit. It was unbelievable to hear her talk about her writing, and get a special view of how her mind works. It truly inspired me to continuing with my book and to take chances and push the envelope and not to be afraid of my ideas. I really needed to hear that to continue with my work.

I had tears in my eyes when she talked about her former works, and I have chills that still course through out my body when I think of her on stage reading from her book. I don't think I will ever experience anything remotely on this level for the rest of my life. That isn't a depressing thought, it is just a fact. I feel the extreme feeling of awe could not be replicated. It was such a fulfilling experience.

You got to see how dedicated she is to her fans. She signed 2200 copies of her book for her fans. In person. It was surreal to be that close to her and get to speak words to her. She made eye contact with me, and I felt as though she genuinely cared about each and every one of us. Everything about J.K. is fantastic. Her dedication to keep the written word alive and in actual books is inspiring. She has bred a new generation of readers, and kept this art alive in a time where most would prefer to watch a movie or play a video game.

Nothing is better

Than the sound of rain on the roof of the chalet in New Hampshire. I am really sad that we are leaving tomorrow and that reality is going to be right there waiting for us. It has been so nice being up here and away from it all. I have so much to blog about, and will do so tomorrow when I have an internet connection back, but for now I am loving this pure serenity. Nothing coming in between me and Alan. Perfection. Just as it should be.

Friend Friday: Hailey

Tonight I would like to talk about Hailey. Hailey and I have not known each other very long, but that doesn't mean we aren't close. Hailey is incredibly strong and is a fantastic mother of two wonderful little girls. Hailey is someone in real life that I can actually talk openly about this whole infertility thing.

She has such a great balance in her life, and she is doing such a great job of raising her girls while her husband is away. I know it can't be easy on her, but you would never know that. She is an incredible mum and is so good with her beautiful daughters. She knows when to speak up for herself and for her family. She would literally sacrifice everything for them.

As I said, Hailey and I have not known each other very long, but that doesn't mean our friendship lacks validity. She has been such a crucial part of my journey in remaining hopeful. Something about Hailey calms me down with this whole experience. Maybe because she is so calm and understands how much I want a child. Hailey is a fantastic listener and always knows just what to say. I am pretty sure she wants me to be pregnant just as much as I do. Her encouragement means so much to me. I would be lost without it. I don't know if she realized how much she has helped me though this journey.

I hope that one day I am able to be as great of a mother as Hailey is to her daughters. I love seeing the light in her eyes when she watches them. It is something I so long for. I don't feel jealous when I am around her, yes I am jealous she has two beautiful daughters, but I am so happy that she has them. She is so deserving. I love that she lets me help out with the kids instead of being condescending and assuming that I know nothing about kids because I am not a mother.

I am really glad Hailey fell in to my life. She is such an amazing person, and I love being in her presence.

Karma

I am a big believer in Karma, but sometimes I am confused at how it works. I like to live my life in a way that I am proud of, but sometimes that line is blurred. Sometimes I feel like I go out of my way to be a good person in the moment and not for the greater good.

I feel very responsible for something that I really had no control over. I am wondering if my Karma is all messed up now. I try to be the best person I can, but I have slip ups just like everyone else. Sometimes it is hard to see the bigger picture. To see what the plan really is. Was I just a scapegoat for this entire situation and it was a plan put in motion long before I even knew about it? Did I handle myself with integrity? I would like to believe so, but how can I be sure?

I know I am over-analyzing as I often do, but I really can't help it. I just hope that people and fate realize that I wasn't trying to be cruel in any way. I am nervous of the repercussions of my actions, and I hope that I did the right thing.

I feel like I did clear the air with one of my co-workers and feel that we are going to have a better relationship moving forward. That is important to me, and I don't like knowing that she felt that I didn't like her for some reason.

Lucky number 2?

So today I started my second cycle of Clomid. I am not excited for the side effects that come along with it, but hey, I am willing to do whatever it takes. After a negative test on Sunday I was expecting that I would be starting another cycle. My hopes aren't very high, yet, but I am sure that will fluctuate throughout the month. I have decided to also chart this month because I like know what my body is doing, and now that I know it will (hopefully) be working, I would like to see it happen.


Other than that there isn't much to update on that topic. I am trying to stay grounded. I have lots of things to distract me in the meantime. Like going to see J.K. Rowling, and a trip to New Hampshire! Woo hoo! It will be nice to get away and forget everything.

Sometimes you just need time away to stay sane.

Other updates? Hmm let's see. I find out for sure if I am keeping my shift tomorrow, so I am anxious about that. I am no longer wearing my engagement ring because I am afraid of destroying something that is so precious to me. My finger feels so naked without it on it. Wah! Today was supposed to be the official opening day of the NHL, and nothing. I am pretty pissed that the NHL and the NHLPA are meeting about asinine things instead of focusing on the real issues at hand. I am sure there is a ton more, but I can't remember right now.

Rose

I find myself really missing my Godmother lately. I think that if I had her in my life I would have a real life outlet. She has been through so many similar experiences and I feel like we are so bonded and we were like the same woman. She was so strong in her life. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out when she died. I wasn't expecting her to leave me so soon. To not be at my wedding, to not be with me on this journey I am on now. She would have understood. She would know how I feel.

I am so angry with her for leaving so soon, and I am so angry at myself for being so selfish and being mad at her. I need her here. She would know what to say or not say. She was so strong. I can't imagine going through all that she had gone through. She is such an inspiration and now all I have are memories. I will never get to hug her, touch her, smell her ever again.

I know that you can't stop life and death from happening, but I wish that I understood it better. I wish that things had a certain order. They say that only the good die young, but why? I just don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things. Like why I am so selfish all of the time?

I will never forget Rose. She has done so much for me. I try to hold on to every little piece of her that I can. I drive her car around every day. I wear her perfume on special occasions, or when I just miss her. I wish that I had a chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. I wish she knew how much I really loved her. I wish she had let me in more often as she was nearing the end. I am so angry and saddened and confused. I just want her back. Just for one day, so I could let her know everything that I needed to tell her. I want to know how she handled everything that she did. I want to know how she kept her strength. And I want her to know how angry I am for her leaving so soon, but that my anger isn't really for her. I want to find peace with how suddenly she left. Why did she get better and then when I least expected it, she was gone? Why?

Why?

Job Update

So, as you may have read I won the bid for the new shift, but the way my company works is that you can be bumped from your position. It is all based on seniority, and it can be irritating, but ultimately, I still have a great job. Hopefully, the bumps don't happen and I can move shifts, but if it doesn't happen, it will be alright.

I was planning on being in this position for at least a year anyways. I have to send in my union stuff and get that taken care of.

True Colors

Sometimes in life you stumble upon someone incredible. Often times they can't see themselves for what they are, but this person brought me to tears today. Why? Because they did something so incredible, because of this person I am able to have a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am getting to go to New York to see J.K. Rowling. Tickets that were near impossible to get, and this person managed to. I don't even know how to properly express my gratitude.

Not only is this amazing in and of itself, but this news came on a good day. A day where I was feeling pretty low. I got another negative on a pregnancy test, and I am pretty sure that I am doneski for this cycle. Blah, blah, blah don't count yourself out blah, blah. I am counting myself out because I can't handle this hope. It was dumb for me to even think it would happen first time. I am oddly alright with it. Well, not alright, but at least at peace for this moment. Next cycle, I get to try all over again.

So anyways, Melissa and I get to see my hero! Live and in person. Not on TV, not on the computer. In real life. WOW! I don't even know how to handle this. It is going to literally be like meeting a god. Someone too magnificent to be a mere mortal. Someone who created a world that saved me from my own dismal state of mind. Someone who sparked such passion in me that lasted long after the books were finished. This woman literally changed my life.

So, Thank you, so very much and from the deepest place in my heart. I don't know what I can do to repay what you have given me, but I will find a way. Somehow.

Judgement

We live in a society that is full of judgement. Too fat, too skinny, too rich, too poor, too much makeup, needs more makeup, overrated, underrated, old as dirt, naive, crazy, fake and so on and so forth. Why is it up to us to decide what is right? What is right for us and what is right for others is not the same.

I had a saying when I worked in the school that fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same things, fair is everyone getting what they need. I wish that more people took on this motto. Calling someone out on what they have or their appearance won't make you feel any better about your situation. Now, life may not always be fair, but it isn't meant to be. I think life would be a little bit easier to get through if people would just stop being total assholes and have some compassion and empathy.

Hating someone isn't going to bring more love in to your life.

Friend Friday: Meghan

I know that I skipped friend Friday last week. I was just not able to get on to post. So I may do two posts tonight. We will see where the night takes me. I also have to finish three chapters on my book tonight or else I will be disappointed in myself.

Anyways, tonight I want to talk about a friend who is pretty far away, but still very close to me. We have been friends since the second grade and have had some very rough patches in our relationship, but through it all we always come back to each other.

Meghan is one of the strongest women I know. She has been through quite a lot in her lifetime and has overcome so much. She is truly so strong. Meghan and I used to do the most ridiculous things when we were younger and pretend they were totally awesome. I owe my love of anything hockey to her. I used to love going to watch her play!

We went to elementary school, middle school, and high school together. I have so many fond memories of that time. We used to walk down to the dollar store and get ridiculous grape drinks that tasted like Dimetapp and pretend we were drunk after. We would cast pretend spells and mix crazy concoctions in my bathroom. We were ridiculous. As time went on we grew up from grape drinks, and drank Gatorade and vodka instead. As we grew up we may have grown apart a bit, but always held on to those special memories we had.

I don't know what it is about Meghan, but we are truly bonded for life. No matter what crazy things happen between us, we put all of the bullshit aside and when we need each other, we are always there. She has been there for me at some very low points in my life, and she knows who I am to my core. Meghan has been through so much, yet still prevails. I wish her every happiness under the sun, moon, and stars. She is truly deserving of wonderful things.

Overwhelming Support

So, since I have started to blog consistently a lot of people have been reaching out and showing their support. It is so incredible to have so many people rooting for us. Most things I write about aren't super easy to talk about, and I know it can make people feel uncomfortable. Please know that I am so thankful to each and every one of you who have reached out, and those of you who just read.

Seeing how many views my blog has gotten and reading the private messages really and truly empowers me. So once again, thank you so very much for all of your overwhelming support. Your impact in this journey means more than you will ever know.

Negative Test, Not So Negative Attitude

This morning, and well, if I am being honest, late last night I decided it would be a great idea to take a pregnancy test. Why? Well I had two consecutive nights of dreams that I peed on a stick and got positive results. So that has to be a sign right? Obviously, because I am so flipping psychic it has to be true right?

Wrong. I thought the OPKs were depressing when they were super white, well that was nothing compared to how ridiculously white those pregnancy tests were. If you stared straight into a solar eclipse it would not be as completely blinding as what stared back at me this morning.I know it may be early, and I know nothing is for sure until my monthly bill gets here, but it is still so defeating. 

I did well today in the sense that I didn't completely break down. Just a few tear ups and fallen tears came over me. This morning was tough because I was all alone, but I got through it. Why? Because I am fucking tough, that's why. Or, at least that is what I am choosing to believe for the time being.

 

Tomorrow is a new day, that will bring its own set of struggles, and I am prepared to face them. I let myself be sad today, but tomorrow, I move on. Tomorrow I take steps forward, and don't look back. I don't have a lot of control in this process, but I can control how I allow it to affect my life.

 

 

Jack Skellington

Last night I got to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time of the season. It was great! We blew up and air mattress and we had homemade hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies made from scratch. I even picked up some candy apples! It was awesome! It was definitely the most special night I have had in a long time. 

While I was watching Jack discover this new world of Christmas, I couldn't help but think how mind blowing and life changing that would actually be. Imagine knowing one world your whole life and then finding out there was so much more to it. You would never be able to understand the culture and the traditions. It makes me sad that Jack was never able to truly grasp the wonder of this other world because he lacked the ability to understand it. 

He goes through the whole story unable to figure this marvelous thing out, and then in the end he finds all the warmth and love within Sally. Which got me to think about why holidays bring out such emotion in people. maybe holidays aren't special days at all. It is just on those days we see the ones who surround us in a different way. 

 

I know I am getting all philosophical about a cartoon, but that is the reason I love this movie so very much. There are so many undertones to it, and so many different things to discuss with it. In fact, while we were watching the movie we had a conversation about whether or not Jack was evil. 

 

I said that it wasn't that Jack was evil, but it was that he didn't know anything else because he was brought up in a world where everything was evil, and evil was the norm. How could he know that his entire world was wrong when he had never experienced anything different? It wasn't until Jack discovered that there was more out there that he could open his heart up to love. Isn't that how it always has to happen, you are trapped in your own world until someone shows you there is more?

Jack Skellington is such an interesting character because he is so child-like, but he is also in a position of such power and has such adult characteristics. Watching him discover an outside world and grow in love is so truly interesting to me. Tim Burton did such an amazing job developing such a complex character in a way that both children and adults can admire for so many different reasons.

Cruel Dreams

Last night I had the cruelest dream ever. I dreamed that I took a pregnancy test, expecting a negative result, but instead it was positive. I ran out to Walmart to buy a present to surprise Alan because he was off at work. I couldn't find any baby stuff at all. It was so realistic that when I woke up I thought it was true, then I realized that it wasn't true. How disappointing. Sigh.

Ridiculousness

So I have this ridiculous secret. It is one, that I feel silly even admitting. I keep thinking that I am pregnant. Going over every weird symptom that I think I have in my head. When I say them out loud, I think I am ridiculous. When other people say, oh maybe you're pregnant, I think they are ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous. Right? I had Alan hide all of the pregnancy tests on me so I can't test until it is even possible for me to get a positive test. Blah. This is going to be a long wait.

Well, I guess it got me out of a ticket...

Last night was a bad night all around. There was craziness at the station, but that isn't anything new. Last night I found out one of my friends is pregnant with her second child. Two. She gets to have two within the time it has taken me to even have a shot at having one. Yeah, okay, I admit that I am throwing myself a little bit of a pity party, but I am entitled every now and again. I have been super good for the past couple of days!

So I find out this information right as I am about to go home. I bawl hysterically in my car and, I am speeding. I want to say for the record, that at times, I may have a lead foot, but I am a safe driver. So, I am the only car on the road at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday night/ Monday morning, and there is a State trooper hiding out. He pulls me over, and in the peak of my patheticness, he asks me if I am okay and I unleash my entire burden on him. Through my sobs, and he pats me on the shoulder tells me things will be okay, and doesn't even bring up the fact that I was doing 80 in a 55. Awesome. Now, I feel guilty about doing that. I wasn't trying to get out of  a ticket. I swear I was just in a bad spot.

So I get out ticket-less and head home. I sit in my car and cry for a good half hour and Jason Mraz's song, I Won't Give Up, comes on increasing my tear flow from normal cry to bawling. This song reminds me to keep trucking on, and I drag myself out of the car and go to bed. I am feeling much better today, so that's a good thing. I am allowed to break down as long as I build myself back up.

October

Today marks the beginning of my favorite month of the whole year! I don't care what the professionals say, October 1st is the first day of fall, and today is the perfect fall day. It is clear outside with a few puffy clouds, and a the trees are all changing their colors. There is a little chill in the air, but just a bit, and the air is clean. Today is perfect.

I get to start my Nightmare Before Christmas months, too! I only get to watch it from October to December, because otherwise I would watch it every single day. I would normally wake up and watch it first thing in the morning, but this year I have been requested to wait a day, and have a special movie night tomorrow. I am really excited about it! Usually, I just watch it by myself, but maybe this could be a new tradition! Like the Polar Express tradition.

I love creating new traditions that you can hold on to for life. It creates special memories that you can cherish forever. I think traditions with friends are the most important. It keeps you bonded through time, when life gets busy and in the way of your friendship. Nothing can ever stay the same, but with tradition, you can get those old moments back. You can look back fondly of the times you spent together and forget about the stuff in between. Friends are a different kind of family, the one you choose. (Not that I would not chose my own family, but you get what I am saying.) The ones you decide get to have a place in your heart. The ones who aren't obligated to stay there when times get tough, but they do anyways.