Rose

I find myself really missing my Godmother lately. I think that if I had her in my life I would have a real life outlet. She has been through so many similar experiences and I feel like we are so bonded and we were like the same woman. She was so strong in her life. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out when she died. I wasn't expecting her to leave me so soon. To not be at my wedding, to not be with me on this journey I am on now. She would have understood. She would know how I feel.

I am so angry with her for leaving so soon, and I am so angry at myself for being so selfish and being mad at her. I need her here. She would know what to say or not say. She was so strong. I can't imagine going through all that she had gone through. She is such an inspiration and now all I have are memories. I will never get to hug her, touch her, smell her ever again.

I know that you can't stop life and death from happening, but I wish that I understood it better. I wish that things had a certain order. They say that only the good die young, but why? I just don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things. Like why I am so selfish all of the time?

I will never forget Rose. She has done so much for me. I try to hold on to every little piece of her that I can. I drive her car around every day. I wear her perfume on special occasions, or when I just miss her. I wish that I had a chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. I wish she knew how much I really loved her. I wish she had let me in more often as she was nearing the end. I am so angry and saddened and confused. I just want her back. Just for one day, so I could let her know everything that I needed to tell her. I want to know how she handled everything that she did. I want to know how she kept her strength. And I want her to know how angry I am for her leaving so soon, but that my anger isn't really for her. I want to find peace with how suddenly she left. Why did she get better and then when I least expected it, she was gone? Why?

Why?