Last night when I got home I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I prayed, not just a quick prayer in which I take a moment from what I am doing and ask God for something, but really took the time out in my car, bowed my head down, and prayed long and hard.
I have always been a very spiritual person. I have never been super religious, but I don't think that matters too much. Last night I prayed for a chance. All I am asking for is one miracle. Every twinge I feel, brings me hope and fear at the same time. Each ache that I feel in my lower abdomen makes me wonder if my baby is snuggling in for a cozy nine months, or if it is preparing for a new cycle.
With everyone around me so confident that this is it, I start to feel so hopeful. I have to try to keep myself grounded, The problem is early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS symptoms. So I am over-analyzing every little thing. At least I know now that this dosage of Clomid actually works, and that is a good thing.
Two years I have been waiting for this chance. It seems so odd that it has actually happened. I need to relish in that fact, that we have a chance. Even if we miss this chance, we will have another.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Confirmation
Today, I went in for my second blood draw to check my progesterone levels. I got the call that confirmed that I did ovulate. Hooray! This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride. I am so lucky and thankful to have such wonderful people supporting me. When I received the call there was a rush of calm that overtook me. This worked. (Not in the sense that I am pregnant, but the medicine did what it was supposed to do.)
Hell, I will even take the ridiculously hideous bruise in my left arm because I got the news that I wanted. Right now my mind is too fuzzy to really write, but I wanted to get this out there.
Now begins the longest two weeks of my life...
Hell, I will even take the ridiculously hideous bruise in my left arm because I got the news that I wanted. Right now my mind is too fuzzy to really write, but I wanted to get this out there.
Now begins the longest two weeks of my life...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
New Shift
So I got a new shift at work! One that allows for a social life. That is exciting. No real point to this post except to inform the masses that I will now be available to hang out! Well in a couple of weeks when it takes effect! Wooo!
Speed Bumps
So, today I went for blood work to see if I ovulated. They checked my progesterone levels and they were barely elevated. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but I have to go back in on Friday so they can steal more of my blood. I am wondering if it is just too soon after ovulation that it didn't read. I am wondering a lot of things, actually.
Mostly wondering about why every time I feel like we have passed a hurdle another one pops up. Or, maybe this is the same hurdle that we just can't pass. I am hoping my levels go up, and they can see a clear surge. I'm hoping this is the last blood draw and that this cycle will be successful.
On an similar, but mostly unrelated note, my thyroid levels are finally under control. That's good. I'm excited about that at least. That means not having to get used to another dosage and feeling sick for two weeks! Hooray!
All in all I am not as emotional as I thought I would be. This news, while it isn't the best, certainly isn't the worst. I am wondering if they will up my dosage for next cycle. Tonight I am going to focus on having fun and being in the moment because yes, things kind of suck right now, but this is my only chance to live in this moment.
The Art of Squatting
Last night we were helping our friend do some work on his truck. He came to pick me up and we were meeting Alan at his father's shop. Alan was meeting us directly after work, and we got there first. I have a few really weird quirks. One of them being that I have issues with public restrooms. Not just the normal, "Oh, I will put down toilet paper on the seat" issues. If I inspect a bathroom, and it doesn't meet my standards, I will NOT use it.
So, I guess you can tell where this is heading. I have become quite good at being able to squat in public. This comes in handy while camping, boating, hiking and life in general.My first experience, that I can remember, of peeing outside occurred when I was about 7 or 8, My mum, my aunt, my sisters and two of my cousins all went for a hike to the Blue Hills. I had to pee so badly! This is when my mum decided it was time to teach me how to pee in the woods. Well, it didn't exactly go as planned. What exactly my mum said to me has been lost in my mind somewhere, but it was similar to, "You just makes sure no one is around, pull down your pants, and go." I took this quite literally.
There halfway up the mountain, I peed for the first time outside. It didn't go exactly as planned. As most first times often do. So I did exactly what my mum said, because at that point I was going to pee my pants. I pulled down my pants and I just let it flow. I leaned back, and peed. While standing up. A feat that most women can not do. For some unknown reason my mum put her hand out to stop me because I should have been squatting down, and she got in the way. I peed all over my mum's hand and arm. I was 7 give me a break. After the initial shock and anger of being peed on my mum realized how funny the situation actually was.
Anyways, 19 years, a phobia of public restrooms and a fear of people seeing my bum and I am still peeing outside. Although, I have gotten much better at it. I think most women over think this. The key is, to first decide in which location you are going to pee. Next you roll up the bottom of your pants, then you pull down your pants, and then you squat. It is important to pull down your pants first because that way the the bulk of your pants aren't in the way of doing what you need to do.
Yes, it is an art. Yes, I have mastered it, and yes I embrace this part of me!
So, I guess you can tell where this is heading. I have become quite good at being able to squat in public. This comes in handy while camping, boating, hiking and life in general.My first experience, that I can remember, of peeing outside occurred when I was about 7 or 8, My mum, my aunt, my sisters and two of my cousins all went for a hike to the Blue Hills. I had to pee so badly! This is when my mum decided it was time to teach me how to pee in the woods. Well, it didn't exactly go as planned. What exactly my mum said to me has been lost in my mind somewhere, but it was similar to, "You just makes sure no one is around, pull down your pants, and go." I took this quite literally.
There halfway up the mountain, I peed for the first time outside. It didn't go exactly as planned. As most first times often do. So I did exactly what my mum said, because at that point I was going to pee my pants. I pulled down my pants and I just let it flow. I leaned back, and peed. While standing up. A feat that most women can not do. For some unknown reason my mum put her hand out to stop me because I should have been squatting down, and she got in the way. I peed all over my mum's hand and arm. I was 7 give me a break. After the initial shock and anger of being peed on my mum realized how funny the situation actually was.
Anyways, 19 years, a phobia of public restrooms and a fear of people seeing my bum and I am still peeing outside. Although, I have gotten much better at it. I think most women over think this. The key is, to first decide in which location you are going to pee. Next you roll up the bottom of your pants, then you pull down your pants, and then you squat. It is important to pull down your pants first because that way the the bulk of your pants aren't in the way of doing what you need to do.
Yes, it is an art. Yes, I have mastered it, and yes I embrace this part of me!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Unexpected Hope
Life is full of defining moments. Moments in which change everything. Everyone usually pictures these moments as huge things that get great attention from everyone you know, but usually, that isn't the case. Life isn't set up like the movies where you change after some coming of age tale and you all of a sudden have perfect clarity of life and understand the meaning behind it all. My defining moments have never been that way. They are usually very small things that change everything.
I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.
Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.
It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.
I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.
Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.
It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.
Charybdis
To say that this road has been easy would be a bold face lie. This
road has been nothing but hell. It has been long, stressful, and full of
tears. It has shaken my relationship with Alan, and we are still
holding strong, but that isn't to say that we haven't had rocky patches.
In fact, we have had many.
It is the man's job to be strong for his woman. To never bend or break, but who is there when he is shaken and hurting? Not many. Women are usually the face of infertility. Women are the ones that take the heat for it, but what about the men? Our problems aren't Male Factor, but Alan is still struggling with infertility. Even if it is second hand. He has been so strong for too long, and it hasn't been easy on him. What makes it harder? Holding everything in.
The way Alan and I fight, is different than the way most couples fight, but it works for us. We get in to a massive blow out about everything else that is wrong, and hash it out until we get to the core issue at hand. This happened last night. Aside from all of the petty drama that everyone has we got to the underlying issues. They are big ones, and they are uncontrollable. It isn't fair that Alan has to suffer silently while I can vocalize my feelings.
These fights involve me bawling my eyes out, getting really mad, really stubborn, and shutting down. This gives way to Alan being able to actually verbalize what he is feeling. When I am done being a pissy little bitch, we actually talk like grown ups. We try to never go to bed angry, or at least we work through some stuff, and say, "Listen, it's four o'clock in the morning, we are ok now, we still love each other, let's talk about it when we both have our heads on straight." It works. It has always been the way we have done things. Since our very first fight in our relationship. It took place in the parking lot of our first apartment.
Last night we got in to it. It was a pretty bad fight, but I knew that we would survive this one. As soon as I stopped being stubborn. We did, and today was a new day.
It is the man's job to be strong for his woman. To never bend or break, but who is there when he is shaken and hurting? Not many. Women are usually the face of infertility. Women are the ones that take the heat for it, but what about the men? Our problems aren't Male Factor, but Alan is still struggling with infertility. Even if it is second hand. He has been so strong for too long, and it hasn't been easy on him. What makes it harder? Holding everything in.
The way Alan and I fight, is different than the way most couples fight, but it works for us. We get in to a massive blow out about everything else that is wrong, and hash it out until we get to the core issue at hand. This happened last night. Aside from all of the petty drama that everyone has we got to the underlying issues. They are big ones, and they are uncontrollable. It isn't fair that Alan has to suffer silently while I can vocalize my feelings.
These fights involve me bawling my eyes out, getting really mad, really stubborn, and shutting down. This gives way to Alan being able to actually verbalize what he is feeling. When I am done being a pissy little bitch, we actually talk like grown ups. We try to never go to bed angry, or at least we work through some stuff, and say, "Listen, it's four o'clock in the morning, we are ok now, we still love each other, let's talk about it when we both have our heads on straight." It works. It has always been the way we have done things. Since our very first fight in our relationship. It took place in the parking lot of our first apartment.
Last night we got in to it. It was a pretty bad fight, but I knew that we would survive this one. As soon as I stopped being stubborn. We did, and today was a new day.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Stark white and Open Circles
This is my life. I never thought I would pee on things so much, but now I do it at least three times a day. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I know what the results are going to be. So I convince myself I won't test today, I won't let that empty circle let me down. I won't let that blinding white test affect my day, and then it happens, a twinge in my abdomen! What? Could this be it? Could this be the elusive ovulation? The one thing I have heard so much about? Okay, just this one last time, I will pee on that stick and I will get my smiley face! Victory shall be mine!
Nope, not today, not now. Not this month. I already know I have a snowballs chance in hell at ovulating. There were no delusions about that. So why all of this hope? I guess because hope is all I can hold on to. It isn't something I ever want to lose.
I had a conversation with Alan last night, ok, it was more like me being a giant pile of crying goo and Alan listening in helplessly, about things. If you didn't already know this, Alan is amazing. He said all of the right things, and I believed him. Then I stayed up super late as he slept and told myself that I need to get the eff over myself and put on my grown up pants and move on. I can't let this consume my life. I can't let this be my only goal in life. So I need to find another outlet.
Maybe I will finish my novel that I started a million years ago, or maybe I will bake until my kitchen is covered in flour, or maybe I will just relax and do yoga on my front porch. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, what matters is finding an alternative to feeling sad and lost. Yes, what we are going through is awful, and emotionally taxing, but I can't lose myself in my own battle against infertility. I have overcome so much, this will not break me, and I am done letting it control me. I still suspect I will get in to ruts, and such. I can't be strong forever, but I need to stop pretending and I need to let myself live again.
Nope, not today, not now. Not this month. I already know I have a snowballs chance in hell at ovulating. There were no delusions about that. So why all of this hope? I guess because hope is all I can hold on to. It isn't something I ever want to lose.
I had a conversation with Alan last night, ok, it was more like me being a giant pile of crying goo and Alan listening in helplessly, about things. If you didn't already know this, Alan is amazing. He said all of the right things, and I believed him. Then I stayed up super late as he slept and told myself that I need to get the eff over myself and put on my grown up pants and move on. I can't let this consume my life. I can't let this be my only goal in life. So I need to find another outlet.
Maybe I will finish my novel that I started a million years ago, or maybe I will bake until my kitchen is covered in flour, or maybe I will just relax and do yoga on my front porch. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, what matters is finding an alternative to feeling sad and lost. Yes, what we are going through is awful, and emotionally taxing, but I can't lose myself in my own battle against infertility. I have overcome so much, this will not break me, and I am done letting it control me. I still suspect I will get in to ruts, and such. I can't be strong forever, but I need to stop pretending and I need to let myself live again.
Chasing Amy
I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great
friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that
line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I can't do this any longer. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot- down. And I'll accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me.
You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of you and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
I watched this movie the other night, and I forgot how much I love Ben
Afflec's speech in it. I just wanted to share how much of a genius Kevin
Smith is. I may have to have a Kevin Smith-a-thon soon!
Friend Friday: Sisters
Today, I would like to talk about my beautiful, amazing, strong sisters. It is true what they say about growing up with sisters means you always have a friend. I know my sisters will always have my back no matter what, and I will always have theirs. Even if they do tease me all of the time, it comes from a loving place.
Jenny is my oldest sister, and we have been through a lot together. We did a lot of Youth Ministry together and went on several retreats. Jen is like another mum. I just always want to see her happy. She is an incredible woman and she deserves the best. Jen gives everything of herself to everyone. She is always an ear to talk to and is judgement free. She isn't afraid to be herself, and she accepts people for who they are. She is just an all around good, genuine person. Jenny is everything you think of when you picture your ideal oldest sister. And she is all mine and I only have to share her with two other people!
Cheryl is next in line, and she is extremely unique and marches to her own beat. She is incredibly talented and creative. I can talk to her about anything. We have had our fair share of arguments, and cat fights, but we have also had some amazing memories. Even if one of those memories involves a bloody nose so bad that my parents considered taking me to the hospital. Cheryl doesn't care how she is perceived and I love her for it. Cheryl would fight for you first and ask questions later. She has a lot of pride in who she is and where she comes from and rightfully so. Cheryl always hated being a middle child, but I wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle with anyone else.
Then is silly old me.
Last but not least is Danielle. Danielle is original and silly and wise beyond her years. Probably because she has such fantastic role models. Danielle is such a strong willed person and she always does what she feels is right. She has a fantastic sense of humor, and an enticing personality. You want to be around her because she makes you feel good, and young, and like you can just pick up and drive to Tennessee for a road trip. She is so goofy in all of the right ways, and she can be so serious when she needs to be. She hasn't allowed herself to be tainted by this cruel world we live in. She is always encouraging, and always the perfect little sister.
I credit all of them being so fabulous to my fabulous parents, who I will write more about at another time.
Jenny is my oldest sister, and we have been through a lot together. We did a lot of Youth Ministry together and went on several retreats. Jen is like another mum. I just always want to see her happy. She is an incredible woman and she deserves the best. Jen gives everything of herself to everyone. She is always an ear to talk to and is judgement free. She isn't afraid to be herself, and she accepts people for who they are. She is just an all around good, genuine person. Jenny is everything you think of when you picture your ideal oldest sister. And she is all mine and I only have to share her with two other people!
Cheryl is next in line, and she is extremely unique and marches to her own beat. She is incredibly talented and creative. I can talk to her about anything. We have had our fair share of arguments, and cat fights, but we have also had some amazing memories. Even if one of those memories involves a bloody nose so bad that my parents considered taking me to the hospital. Cheryl doesn't care how she is perceived and I love her for it. Cheryl would fight for you first and ask questions later. She has a lot of pride in who she is and where she comes from and rightfully so. Cheryl always hated being a middle child, but I wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle with anyone else.
Then is silly old me.
Last but not least is Danielle. Danielle is original and silly and wise beyond her years. Probably because she has such fantastic role models. Danielle is such a strong willed person and she always does what she feels is right. She has a fantastic sense of humor, and an enticing personality. You want to be around her because she makes you feel good, and young, and like you can just pick up and drive to Tennessee for a road trip. She is so goofy in all of the right ways, and she can be so serious when she needs to be. She hasn't allowed herself to be tainted by this cruel world we live in. She is always encouraging, and always the perfect little sister.
I credit all of them being so fabulous to my fabulous parents, who I will write more about at another time.
The problem with working til midnight
Every night as my shift draws to an end I get really tired and think, "oh man, I can't wait until I can crawl in to bed." Then I get home, I am exhausted in the driveway and for some reason that walk from the driveway to the front door is like shotgunning three Red Bulls, and taking speed. Every night it is the same thing. Then I stay up until 3ish, most nights later than that. It sucks. I would like a normal sleep schedule. Just for a little bit. It is no fun being an insomniac.
Tonight at work sucked. I got hit on by a business man who wanted to go out for coffee, well besides the ridiculous cliche that actually made me feel pretty good. Anyways, we had people trapped in the elevator, had to have the repair guy come in, and some other forces were just not reachable, and they were mean to me. What jerks. On top of all that I was just in a bad mood. I made Alan mad at me. I'm pretty sure I indirectly insulted Melissa. Melissa, if you are reading this I didn't mean to underplay our relationship, I just assumed you knew I wouldn't let anything come between us. And I totally made an ass out of myself with Dave. Great, I'm freaking awesome.
I think I am just in a rut, and that sucks. On the upside, I may get a shift change, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me! I could get a social life back, and maybe even see my husband a bit which would be nice.
Please don't take this as a complaint about my job. I am very thankful that I work for the company I work for and I would take any shift given to me. I'm just being an old negative Nancy tonight. I think the lack of sleep last night is getting to me. And here it is again, 2:34 AM and I am looking for something to do when I should be looking at the back of my eyelids.
Tonight at work sucked. I got hit on by a business man who wanted to go out for coffee, well besides the ridiculous cliche that actually made me feel pretty good. Anyways, we had people trapped in the elevator, had to have the repair guy come in, and some other forces were just not reachable, and they were mean to me. What jerks. On top of all that I was just in a bad mood. I made Alan mad at me. I'm pretty sure I indirectly insulted Melissa. Melissa, if you are reading this I didn't mean to underplay our relationship, I just assumed you knew I wouldn't let anything come between us. And I totally made an ass out of myself with Dave. Great, I'm freaking awesome.
I think I am just in a rut, and that sucks. On the upside, I may get a shift change, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me! I could get a social life back, and maybe even see my husband a bit which would be nice.
Please don't take this as a complaint about my job. I am very thankful that I work for the company I work for and I would take any shift given to me. I'm just being an old negative Nancy tonight. I think the lack of sleep last night is getting to me. And here it is again, 2:34 AM and I am looking for something to do when I should be looking at the back of my eyelids.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I won't give up
These lyrics are hitting close to home. We heard this song on the way home from the movie tonight, and I just want to share them. This is a song by Jason Mraz, and I know that this song probably wasn't meant to relate to people in this way, but I it touched me. I am not giving up on this journey, ever. Here are the lyrics. I hope you can find some peace in them. I also hope I can remember these lyrics when I am in a bad place.
"I Won't Give Up"
Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I think a lot of times in this struggle it is easy to overlook the other people struggling with it as well. Alan has been so ridiculously strong throughout this whole process. I don't know how he does it. His will to keep going gets me through the hard times. I am very lucky to have a partner who is so strong. I won't give up on us. Me, him, and our future children.
"I Won't Give Up"
Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I think a lot of times in this struggle it is easy to overlook the other people struggling with it as well. Alan has been so ridiculously strong throughout this whole process. I don't know how he does it. His will to keep going gets me through the hard times. I am very lucky to have a partner who is so strong. I won't give up on us. Me, him, and our future children.
Just Keep Swimming
Today we went to see Finding Nemo in 3D. I am not a fan fan of the 3D craze, but I am a huge fan of Disney. We went with my Brother in law and my Sister in law, both whom I love dearly. While we were outside before the movie, I got some unexpected news that one of our mutual friends is pregnant. Oh joy. Bring out the friggen banners and shout it from the mountains. (Please note the sarcasm) It isn't that I am not happy for them and all that, but really? Really? I have to find this out the day I realize the Clomid is not working as it is supposed to and this cycle, unless some miracle occurs, is a bust.
People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I am tired of gaining strength, and I am tired of God testing me. Haven't I proven myself? Haven't I overcome enough? I get so frustrated and I feel so awful for my friends who don't know what to say. I hate that I feel the need to talk about it. Why can't I just push it down and never discuss it? Infertility sucks. Knowing I can't get pregnant without a medical intervention sucks. I am starting to feel ridiculously bitter and I hate that. I am not this person. I don't want to be labeled as a bitter infertile, but I guess that is what I am.
I need to remember that that is not all that I am. I am an amazing friend, a strong woman, a loving wife, and a person of value. Throughout this whole struggle I have felt like less of a woman because I can't do the one thing I am meant to do properly, but I need to change that frame of mind.
In the movie there is a scene when Dorrie and Marlin have to swim into a dark abyss. Marlin doesn't want to go because he is scared of the unknown, but Dorrie starts to sing, "Just keep swimming." I know it probably sounds ridiculously lame, but it helped me get through the night without bawling hysterically like a whack job, which is what I really wanted to do. It is funny how I started my day off losing a fish friend, and ended it by taking advice from one. The world work in mysterious ways, or I really am just a total whack job. I guess you can be the judge of that.
People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I am tired of gaining strength, and I am tired of God testing me. Haven't I proven myself? Haven't I overcome enough? I get so frustrated and I feel so awful for my friends who don't know what to say. I hate that I feel the need to talk about it. Why can't I just push it down and never discuss it? Infertility sucks. Knowing I can't get pregnant without a medical intervention sucks. I am starting to feel ridiculously bitter and I hate that. I am not this person. I don't want to be labeled as a bitter infertile, but I guess that is what I am.
I need to remember that that is not all that I am. I am an amazing friend, a strong woman, a loving wife, and a person of value. Throughout this whole struggle I have felt like less of a woman because I can't do the one thing I am meant to do properly, but I need to change that frame of mind.
In the movie there is a scene when Dorrie and Marlin have to swim into a dark abyss. Marlin doesn't want to go because he is scared of the unknown, but Dorrie starts to sing, "Just keep swimming." I know it probably sounds ridiculously lame, but it helped me get through the night without bawling hysterically like a whack job, which is what I really wanted to do. It is funny how I started my day off losing a fish friend, and ended it by taking advice from one. The world work in mysterious ways, or I really am just a total whack job. I guess you can be the judge of that.
Bernie
I lost one of my favorite fish today. I know it is probably hard for most people to have a connection with a fish, but I loved Bernie very much. Bernie was a ghost knife fish, and he was blind. He used to swim around the tank feeding on the algae and resting on the pretend seaweed. He made me very happy. Something about him just made me smile! I loved seeing him swim backwards and forwards like he didn't have a care in the world.
I thought Bernie was getting sick yesterday, he was acting differently. He wasn't swimming around as much, and he certainly wasn't hanging out on his typical seaweed. Today the other fish started picking on him and he couldn't fight back. We decided to do the humane thing and not make him fight for his life and just let him go peacefully.
I will miss Bernie very much, our fishtank won't be the same without him, but I know we did the right thing by not making him struggle and fight for his last few hours. Goodbye, Bernie, you were a fantastic fish. I will miss you and I will always love you for making me smile when I was sad.
I thought Bernie was getting sick yesterday, he was acting differently. He wasn't swimming around as much, and he certainly wasn't hanging out on his typical seaweed. Today the other fish started picking on him and he couldn't fight back. We decided to do the humane thing and not make him fight for his life and just let him go peacefully.
I will miss Bernie very much, our fishtank won't be the same without him, but I know we did the right thing by not making him struggle and fight for his last few hours. Goodbye, Bernie, you were a fantastic fish. I will miss you and I will always love you for making me smile when I was sad.
Slippers!
There are few things in life as amazing as slippers. They are incredible. They keep your feet warm without being as constricting as socks or shoes, and they are easy to put on and take off. Slippers often lead to other wonderful things, like yoga pants and and soft t-shirts! And as the summer turns to fall your slippers bring you delicious cups of pumpkin spice coffee that you can drink on the front porch as you watch the leaves change and the neighborhood kids get their last good days to play outside.
As fall changes into winter you get your frost in the morning and you can see your breath fill the air. You watch ice crystals form and wonder how much snow we get this year. Bulky sweaters and sweatshirts come out to join you and your slippers and a hot cup of tea in the morning gets you prepared for the day ahead.
Then you get to the Christmas season and slippers and pajamas get prepared for blankets and air mattresses on the living room floor while you lay about with friends watching Christmas specials, drinking Hot Chocolate with York peppermint patties melted in the bottom, or a Reese's cup, or just a spoonful of Nutella! (And maybe slip in some Bailey's or Frangelico!)
Slippers lead to such amazing things! Slipper are like giant hugs for your feet! They just instantly make you feel better! If I could wear slippers all of the time, I totally would.
As fall changes into winter you get your frost in the morning and you can see your breath fill the air. You watch ice crystals form and wonder how much snow we get this year. Bulky sweaters and sweatshirts come out to join you and your slippers and a hot cup of tea in the morning gets you prepared for the day ahead.
Then you get to the Christmas season and slippers and pajamas get prepared for blankets and air mattresses on the living room floor while you lay about with friends watching Christmas specials, drinking Hot Chocolate with York peppermint patties melted in the bottom, or a Reese's cup, or just a spoonful of Nutella! (And maybe slip in some Bailey's or Frangelico!)
Slippers lead to such amazing things! Slipper are like giant hugs for your feet! They just instantly make you feel better! If I could wear slippers all of the time, I totally would.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Abandonment Issues
I am terrified of being abandoned. It is my greatest fear, I am more afraid of this than centipedes. I have lost many many people that I love and I live in constant fear that I will lose another person too soon.
In high school I lost several friends to suicide. Each one a tragedy, and each time I felt abandoned, and responsible. How could they be so selfish? How could I be so selfish? How could I let this happen? There must have been something that I could have done. I know now, that I am older and understand depression a bit more that there was nothing I could have done.
I have also lost many family members very suddenly. Not ever getting to say the goodbye I want to. Not ever letting them know how much I truly love them. It is never easy losing someone. From all of this loss in my life I have developed some severe abandonment issues. I am always afraid that when I say goodbye, it will be the last time I ever get to.
The relationships that I have with my family and friends are so beyond sacred to me. The other night I had a revelation about just how precious life truly is, and I feel as though I have been taking my relationships for granted. I need to stop doing that and appreciate who I have in my life more. I need to hold on to them and never let them go.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Never underestimate the power of a simple envelope
Tonight after work, I was feeling pretty glum after seeing yet another stark white test and an empty circle where a smiley face belongs. I looked on my bedside table and there was a letter addressed to me. I knew immediately who it was from. Not just from the obvious return label, but after my name the name Chara was written in quotes.
For those of you who don't know, I am obsessed with Zdeno Chara the Captain of the Boston Bruins. I love everything about him! I have a very dear friend who calls me Chara. I met her down in Wilmington when I went there for training for my job. Her name is Stephanie, and she is a truly remarkable person! I love her dearly!
Anyways, back to my spectacular envelope. I was sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself when I remembered this special envelope! Inside this fantastic envelope was a series of Bruins trading cards from 1979! It really just brightened my day right up.
So, Stephanie, if you are reading this thank you so very much! You brightened my day, just as you have brightened my life! I am so very glad to have met you in Smellaware, and glad we remain friends now. You are never getting rid of me!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Saturday Night Thoughts
It is another lonely Saturday night at my train station. This gives me five long, basically uninterrupted hours to think. We all know how that goes. Tonight, I am listening to the Spin Doctors' Pandora station and as I type that I am laughing at the scene in Bad Teacher when Cameron Diaz says, "I freaking love internet radio!"
Anyways, getting back to where I going with this. Listening to this station brings back a lot of memories. Some good, some not so good. I try to live my life in the no regrets way. My favorite teacher in high school used to post a quote on her blackboard and one really stuck with me. It was, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for deeds left undone and words left unsaid." I try to let everyone around me know how I truly feel about them. I don't want to cry over someone's grave because I never told them I loved them.
That is why I try not to regret anything. I also try to remember that everything I have done is because I wanted it done. So while sometimes I look back and shake my head at my younger self, I also thank her for shaping me to who I am. I often wonder about what my life would be like if I never made certain mistakes, or if my life's journey never led me down a certain road.
Like what would have happened if I never got in to that car accident my junior year of high school. Would I have accepted a basketball scholarship in a different state? Would I have left Boston permanently? Would I have died and killed three other people in the next accident I was involved in? I know the reason I was in that first car accident that destroyed my basketball career because later in life I would have to get behind the wheel because my friend was too drunk to drive, and I would be adamant that the passengers wear their seat belts. Thus, saving their lives when that car flipped three times.
It is things like this that make me think that there is no such thing as a coincidence. Only fate, and fates' tests. I think if you do not learn from your mistakes you are tempting your fate.
Anyways, getting back to where I going with this. Listening to this station brings back a lot of memories. Some good, some not so good. I try to live my life in the no regrets way. My favorite teacher in high school used to post a quote on her blackboard and one really stuck with me. It was, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for deeds left undone and words left unsaid." I try to let everyone around me know how I truly feel about them. I don't want to cry over someone's grave because I never told them I loved them.
That is why I try not to regret anything. I also try to remember that everything I have done is because I wanted it done. So while sometimes I look back and shake my head at my younger self, I also thank her for shaping me to who I am. I often wonder about what my life would be like if I never made certain mistakes, or if my life's journey never led me down a certain road.
Like what would have happened if I never got in to that car accident my junior year of high school. Would I have accepted a basketball scholarship in a different state? Would I have left Boston permanently? Would I have died and killed three other people in the next accident I was involved in? I know the reason I was in that first car accident that destroyed my basketball career because later in life I would have to get behind the wheel because my friend was too drunk to drive, and I would be adamant that the passengers wear their seat belts. Thus, saving their lives when that car flipped three times.
It is things like this that make me think that there is no such thing as a coincidence. Only fate, and fates' tests. I think if you do not learn from your mistakes you are tempting your fate.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Friend Friday: Melissa
Friends can pop up in the most unexpected places. This is how I met Melissa. We bought a house in October of 2009. Shortly after the that the house next door was sold and in moved someone who would quickly become an amazing friend.
It was love at first speak. Melissa and I instantly connected on a Harry Potter obsession level. Since then it has been interesting to see how truly alike we are. At one point we started a list of all of the things that were the same with us because it was getting super eerie. We can laugh and joke around about ridiculous things, and spend hours creating pickup lines that would make J.K. Rowling blush, and it is fantastic.
The most fantastic thing about Melissa is, she is completely judgement free. She will listen and respect and understand where you are coming from no matter what. She is another person who has sacrificed so much for the ones that she loves, even if it screws her over. She is incredibly strong willed and incredibly dedicated.
I feel so blessed that I get to have Melissa in my life. I think that is was true destiny when she moved in next door. It was really surprising how quickly she became my one of my best friends. She has that affect on you though. You just always want her around. Always want her to be there to share experiences with. She is such a phenomenal person and I would be so lost without her. She can make me feel better about any situation, and when things are crazy in my head she just listens. I can say things with out having to explain what I really mean, which is nice. It is nice to have someone who understands me so well.
I love that we can sit outside on my porch and just talk. She is such a refreshing person to be around. I feel so honored that I am able to call her my friend. Even though we haven't known each other that long, I feel like we have an unbreakable bond.
It was love at first speak. Melissa and I instantly connected on a Harry Potter obsession level. Since then it has been interesting to see how truly alike we are. At one point we started a list of all of the things that were the same with us because it was getting super eerie. We can laugh and joke around about ridiculous things, and spend hours creating pickup lines that would make J.K. Rowling blush, and it is fantastic.
The most fantastic thing about Melissa is, she is completely judgement free. She will listen and respect and understand where you are coming from no matter what. She is another person who has sacrificed so much for the ones that she loves, even if it screws her over. She is incredibly strong willed and incredibly dedicated.
I feel so blessed that I get to have Melissa in my life. I think that is was true destiny when she moved in next door. It was really surprising how quickly she became my one of my best friends. She has that affect on you though. You just always want her around. Always want her to be there to share experiences with. She is such a phenomenal person and I would be so lost without her. She can make me feel better about any situation, and when things are crazy in my head she just listens. I can say things with out having to explain what I really mean, which is nice. It is nice to have someone who understands me so well.
I love that we can sit outside on my porch and just talk. She is such a refreshing person to be around. I feel so honored that I am able to call her my friend. Even though we haven't known each other that long, I feel like we have an unbreakable bond.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Disappointments
I have felt extremely disappointed in myself lately. For a lot of different reasons, but mostly because I can't think of one thing I am actually great at. I like to surround myself with extraordinary people, but I feel like that is extremely hypocritical of me. Why should they want to be in my company when I am barely average?
This isn't meant to be a pity party because I don't feel bad for myself. Sometimes in life you are merely a spectator, and that's what I am. I love all of my friends and I love watching them be. It brings me great joy to hear about their successes. I just don't have that. I just kind of trot along, living life. I wake up, go to work, go home and go to sleep. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I think the majority of these disappointed feelings stem from my struggles with infertility. I know logically that this is nothing that I have done, but I can't help but blame myself. I am 90% sure the Clomid is not working, and I can't even work properly when drugged up with hormones. All I have to show for it is a series of hot flashes, and a husband who thinks I am crazy because I cry at Kleenex commercials. No signs of ovulation, no magical mystical sudden chimes going off. Just me, here, with this broken body. Scared to death of disappointing my husband, my parents, my friends, my family.
Waiting to see that magical second line, waiting for a brief moment of hope, a brief sigh of relief. Praying for a miracle to occur. Just one miracle. My hopes and dreams for a large family are slowly fading away. Doubt in every time I proclaim to myself that I will get what I most desire in life. Betrayed by my very own body, my very own womb. Sunken in to a hole of disappointment and despair.
I used to be so good at forcing a smile and pretending I was ok. I guess I am just sick and tired of that now. It isn't that I can't be happy if I don't have children, it just isn't how I pictured my life. I often wonder how long Alan will love me before he becomes disappointed in me, too. Disappointed I can't give him that child that he longs for. I think that is the hardest part. Knowing that I have let him down. Disappointed him. Ruined his happy ending. Then it becomes even harder knowing that he would never even think those things about me because he is too perfect for that to cross his mind.
The sound of Silence
I went to see Blue Man Group last night. It was amazing! I love the show! For those of you who do not know what Blue Man Group is, it is a show involving three men who are painted blue. They don't speak, but they play drums with paint and do different skits. They are completely silent through out the show. It is an amazing show, and my description does not do it justice. As much as I would love to go on and on about how truly fantastic this show is, my post is not about them.
I would like to discuss the audience. I don't understand why people as a whole can not embrace silence. Throughout the whole show people would shout out during the skits. Why do you feel your commentary is necessary? Don't get me wrong, I laughed out and said some things to Alan, but the people in the audience just couldn't grasp the fact that these men will not speak. I am not going to say that it took away from the show, but it was an annoyance.
It got me wondering. Why are people so afraid of silence? Why must every moment be filled with mindless chatter? Sometimes, silence can do a world of good. We all know the famous scene in Pulp Fiction when they discuss this. It is a great scene, and a great point. I think it is important to just shut up every once in a while. I am not saying this in a rude way, I am saying it because I think people are so anxious to fill a quiet gap with noise that they forget to take in that quiet moment.
For example, the ends of movies. Sometimes I am just too touched or too moved to discuss it right away. I want it to sink in to my head. Everyone is so anxious to run out of the theater before it the quiet sets in. That is my favorite part. The part when it's over and you have that moment to really take in your emotions and feel them completely. I think silence is under respected and people are too focused on filling voids with mindless nothings and you forget that you are supposed to have time to feel.
I would like to discuss the audience. I don't understand why people as a whole can not embrace silence. Throughout the whole show people would shout out during the skits. Why do you feel your commentary is necessary? Don't get me wrong, I laughed out and said some things to Alan, but the people in the audience just couldn't grasp the fact that these men will not speak. I am not going to say that it took away from the show, but it was an annoyance.
It got me wondering. Why are people so afraid of silence? Why must every moment be filled with mindless chatter? Sometimes, silence can do a world of good. We all know the famous scene in Pulp Fiction when they discuss this. It is a great scene, and a great point. I think it is important to just shut up every once in a while. I am not saying this in a rude way, I am saying it because I think people are so anxious to fill a quiet gap with noise that they forget to take in that quiet moment.
For example, the ends of movies. Sometimes I am just too touched or too moved to discuss it right away. I want it to sink in to my head. Everyone is so anxious to run out of the theater before it the quiet sets in. That is my favorite part. The part when it's over and you have that moment to really take in your emotions and feel them completely. I think silence is under respected and people are too focused on filling voids with mindless nothings and you forget that you are supposed to have time to feel.
A day together, finally.
Today we are heading out on a whale watch. It is exciting because I haven't been on one all year. Also, it is exciting because I finally get to spend a real day with Alan. It is beyond nice to spend some actual time with him after so long of not being able to spend days together.
I love when we spend days out on the ocean. It brings back all of the memories of when we first started hanging out. Those days will always hold a special place in my heart.
When Alan and I first met we were working for different boat companies that went to the same dock. We used to leave each other presents on the dock, and special messages. Alan would leave me thermoses of hot chocolate and hot vanilla. We also played Battleship from boat to boat.
He was always such a perfect gentleman. Today has been such a great day together. I am so lucky to be in love with such a wonderful man.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Rage-o-saurus Rex!
Oh the frustration I have. I feel as though my soul has been shoved into a bucket of ice water and forced to just adapt! WHY? WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME? I never imagined having hope ripped from me like this!
What am I talking about? J.K. Rowling. Yes, THE J.K. Rowling has ONE appearance in the U.S. for her new book, and I was going to get tickets! I set up my computer had the website bookmarked for easy accessibility, and when midnight hit, I was going to pounce on it and get my tickets.
But, alas, earwax. The tickets were released earlier than expected and have already sold out. I am beyond disappointed. I really thought this was going to be my shot to see her. See her in all of her fantastic British glory.
I suppose I will just have to deal with it. Forget my pipe dream of meeting my idol, meeting the person who gave me an outlet as a child. An outlet from the horrors of middle school tormenting and bullying. The woman who made my imagination run on hyper drive.
J.K. Rowling created something so magical, something beyond an imaginary wizarding school. I think people get lost on that fact. J.K. didn't just write of magic, she created it. She created something so real and enticing that I still get lost in that world, years later. Her books became my friends and my salvation, and now, I will never get the chance to tell her that.
What am I talking about? J.K. Rowling. Yes, THE J.K. Rowling has ONE appearance in the U.S. for her new book, and I was going to get tickets! I set up my computer had the website bookmarked for easy accessibility, and when midnight hit, I was going to pounce on it and get my tickets.
But, alas, earwax. The tickets were released earlier than expected and have already sold out. I am beyond disappointed. I really thought this was going to be my shot to see her. See her in all of her fantastic British glory.
I suppose I will just have to deal with it. Forget my pipe dream of meeting my idol, meeting the person who gave me an outlet as a child. An outlet from the horrors of middle school tormenting and bullying. The woman who made my imagination run on hyper drive.
J.K. Rowling created something so magical, something beyond an imaginary wizarding school. I think people get lost on that fact. J.K. didn't just write of magic, she created it. She created something so real and enticing that I still get lost in that world, years later. Her books became my friends and my salvation, and now, I will never get the chance to tell her that.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Strength
I am having trouble coming up with a catchy title for this blog post today. I want to write about how sometimes you have to go with your gut instincts and trust people even though there are tons of stories of why you shouldn't
I am part of a message board, and I have met a few ladies from that board. They have all been as incredibly amazing as I thought that they would be. These women have been through so much, and still find a way to carry on. They are so completely inspiring, yet you will never know their stories. No newspaper will interview them, no one will ever put them on a highlight reel and proclaim to the world that this is what strength looks like and Gatorade won't sponsor them and talk about their endurance. I often wonder what would happen if you took the cameras off of the rich and the famous and turn them inward. Would the world be a better place? Would we appreciate more instead of wanting more? Would we start to recognize and congratulate ourselves on our everyday accomplishments? Making note of the small miracles that happen on a daily basis.
To me, a woman who gets out of bed in the morning after experiencing a devastating loss is more inspirational and moving than an athlete who trains year round winning the big game. I don't care what drama the Kardashians or the cast of the Jersey Shore are involved in, I care about real people with real struggle and real lives. Sometimes, I really can't understand how life doesn't come crashing to a stop. How are we able to pick up and just keep going? To me, everyday you go on about your life is a complete and total miracle. I don't know if I could.
Today I got to spend some real face time with a couple of these amazing women, and I had a great time. I laughed until my cheeks hurt, I almost had cole slaw come out of my nose. I was accused of being a creepy old man in the corner (don't worry, I'm not) and I genuinely enjoyed my day being surrounded by nothing but honesty and trust and love.
As I had to leave them and head in to work I felt a longing in my soul. A longing to take away their pain for them. To take it unto myself so that they could find peace. The masses may never know about these amazing women, but I do, and I am forever changed by the strength they possess.
I am part of a message board, and I have met a few ladies from that board. They have all been as incredibly amazing as I thought that they would be. These women have been through so much, and still find a way to carry on. They are so completely inspiring, yet you will never know their stories. No newspaper will interview them, no one will ever put them on a highlight reel and proclaim to the world that this is what strength looks like and Gatorade won't sponsor them and talk about their endurance. I often wonder what would happen if you took the cameras off of the rich and the famous and turn them inward. Would the world be a better place? Would we appreciate more instead of wanting more? Would we start to recognize and congratulate ourselves on our everyday accomplishments? Making note of the small miracles that happen on a daily basis.
To me, a woman who gets out of bed in the morning after experiencing a devastating loss is more inspirational and moving than an athlete who trains year round winning the big game. I don't care what drama the Kardashians or the cast of the Jersey Shore are involved in, I care about real people with real struggle and real lives. Sometimes, I really can't understand how life doesn't come crashing to a stop. How are we able to pick up and just keep going? To me, everyday you go on about your life is a complete and total miracle. I don't know if I could.
Today I got to spend some real face time with a couple of these amazing women, and I had a great time. I laughed until my cheeks hurt, I almost had cole slaw come out of my nose. I was accused of being a creepy old man in the corner (don't worry, I'm not) and I genuinely enjoyed my day being surrounded by nothing but honesty and trust and love.
As I had to leave them and head in to work I felt a longing in my soul. A longing to take away their pain for them. To take it unto myself so that they could find peace. The masses may never know about these amazing women, but I do, and I am forever changed by the strength they possess.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
It's Raining, It's pouring
I wish I was the one snoring.
I just looked out to the tracks to see what was going on, and boy, is it coming down hard. I love rain in the summer time. I love the smell of it and how it cools everything down. I am also glad to see the rain because we need it.
There is something soul cleansing about the rain. Every time it pours I feel refreshed in an unexplainable way. The rain is almost like confession. I guess because I don't put a lot of emphasis on religion in my life, but I do have a lot of faith I feel like the rain is God's way of forgiving us. I know that may seem really lame, but after a good rain, I just feel at peace. I don't think it is merely a coincidence.
Even now, as I look out and see the rain slowing, I feel a little more refreshed than when I walked in to work today. I am not as stressed out. Which is good.
People Watching
I love to watch people. I always have. I am so curious about their lives, who they are, what their stories are. That is probably the best part of my job. Getting to see the frantic people come in to get on their trains and go off and live their lives.
I like to make up stories in my head about their lives what they are going through. I know I am usually very off base, but it is fun to pretend. Like when you are younger and you play with your little people or your Barbie dolls, only this is real life.
Although, sometimes it makes me sad that these people aren't living the lives that I create for them. I am sure each of them have different struggles in their lives. I wish that I could take their struggles away from them. All I can offer is a friendly smile and some casual conversation. I am always wishing I could do more for humanity in general. There are some people who just really suck. They are cruel and mean spirited, and it seems like they always have the least amount of stress and struggles.
Obviously, I can't know what people are going through, but it always seems like the best people I know have to deal with the worst situations. I know life isn't supposed to hand you anything you can't make it through, but I don't know why life has to test you so much in the first place. I am not so foolish to believe that life is fair, but I am not so sure why it is so unfair.
I guess that is why people always want to find the meaning of life, or want to prove the existence of their God, to see if all of these struggles are worth while. I truly believe that there is more good than evil in this world. There is proof of that all around me constantly. My friends, family, and sometimes, even random strangers. I don't know why people are giving up on others. If I ever start to doubt that people are more good than bad, that will be a very sad day indeed.
I like to make up stories in my head about their lives what they are going through. I know I am usually very off base, but it is fun to pretend. Like when you are younger and you play with your little people or your Barbie dolls, only this is real life.
Although, sometimes it makes me sad that these people aren't living the lives that I create for them. I am sure each of them have different struggles in their lives. I wish that I could take their struggles away from them. All I can offer is a friendly smile and some casual conversation. I am always wishing I could do more for humanity in general. There are some people who just really suck. They are cruel and mean spirited, and it seems like they always have the least amount of stress and struggles.
Obviously, I can't know what people are going through, but it always seems like the best people I know have to deal with the worst situations. I know life isn't supposed to hand you anything you can't make it through, but I don't know why life has to test you so much in the first place. I am not so foolish to believe that life is fair, but I am not so sure why it is so unfair.
I guess that is why people always want to find the meaning of life, or want to prove the existence of their God, to see if all of these struggles are worth while. I truly believe that there is more good than evil in this world. There is proof of that all around me constantly. My friends, family, and sometimes, even random strangers. I don't know why people are giving up on others. If I ever start to doubt that people are more good than bad, that will be a very sad day indeed.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Friend Friday
Today we are going to talk about friends. I think friends are one of the most amazing things ever. I call Fridays at work Friend Friday because there are three of us that work really well together, and we talk about a lot of things. It is a nice change of pace here on Fridays. Anyways, work has inspired me to talk about one friend a week. Today we are going to talk about David.
Dave has been one of my best friends for quite some time now. He is one of my most favorite people in the world. He can make me laugh and smile so easily, and we can talk about anything with out it being weird. Dave has had some really rough patches in his life since I have known him. He has kept his head up and continued to push forward and persevered through everything.
There is a Bouncing Souls song with lyrics that say:
I wish that you could see the you that I see.
Not some bullshit glamour fantasy.
Put down those magazines and see...
see a real beauty.
I wish that you could see the glory that I see.
Shining like the winter sun.
I wish that you could see...
see the true glory.
Wish there was something I could do
to make you see.
Wish there was something I could say...
but you won't hear me.
I guess there's some things that I can't explain.
Some things that I could never change.
I read your thoughts in your eyes
when you look at me.
I see the real you when you smile.
I see the real beauty.
I see the real beauty.
This sums up how I feel about Dave. He is such a fantastic person, but he has been beaten down so much my others that he just doesn't see how amazing he really is. He is one of the best friends a girl could ask for. We can talk for literally hours and never run out of things to talk about. Or maybe I can just never run out of things, but he is a trooper and always listens. He sees the world in such a unique way. I have learned so many things from him.
I just wish he could see how awesome he really is. I get so upset when I hear or see someone treating him unfairly or being rude or mean to him. He is one of my heroes and I would do anything for him. Just like I know he would do anything for me. I love his perspective, and I love his dreams and I want him to fulfill every single one of them. I want him to find a love that he believes in and that builds him up, not tear him down. I want him to find someone that completely changes how he sees himself, because if he could see the him that I see, he would be overwhelmed.
Dave has been one of my best friends for quite some time now. He is one of my most favorite people in the world. He can make me laugh and smile so easily, and we can talk about anything with out it being weird. Dave has had some really rough patches in his life since I have known him. He has kept his head up and continued to push forward and persevered through everything.
There is a Bouncing Souls song with lyrics that say:
I wish that you could see the you that I see.
Not some bullshit glamour fantasy.
Put down those magazines and see...
see a real beauty.
I wish that you could see the glory that I see.
Shining like the winter sun.
I wish that you could see...
see the true glory.
Wish there was something I could do
to make you see.
Wish there was something I could say...
but you won't hear me.
I guess there's some things that I can't explain.
Some things that I could never change.
I read your thoughts in your eyes
when you look at me.
I see the real you when you smile.
I see the real beauty.
I see the real beauty.
This sums up how I feel about Dave. He is such a fantastic person, but he has been beaten down so much my others that he just doesn't see how amazing he really is. He is one of the best friends a girl could ask for. We can talk for literally hours and never run out of things to talk about. Or maybe I can just never run out of things, but he is a trooper and always listens. He sees the world in such a unique way. I have learned so many things from him.
I just wish he could see how awesome he really is. I get so upset when I hear or see someone treating him unfairly or being rude or mean to him. He is one of my heroes and I would do anything for him. Just like I know he would do anything for me. I love his perspective, and I love his dreams and I want him to fulfill every single one of them. I want him to find a love that he believes in and that builds him up, not tear him down. I want him to find someone that completely changes how he sees himself, because if he could see the him that I see, he would be overwhelmed.
Alan
There are few things in the world that can calm me down. I mean really calm me down. In, fact, forget a few, there is only one thing. That is Alan. He isn't a thing, but he isn't just a person either. Alan is like air. I can not live without him. I thank God every single day of my life for sending me Alan. I can't even find appropriate words to use to describe how he makes me feel. I think about all of the love I have in my heart for him, and it makes me tear up. I don't think I let him know enough how much he truly means to me.
I didn't expect to ever have a relationship with him. We were just supposed to be roommates. Alan has treated me better than I have ever been treated by anyone in my life. Not a lot of people realize that Alan saved me in so many different ways. We have been through so much as a couple, and
I can't see me sticking around anyone else.
Our first real date, he pulled out all of the stops. He bought me two dozen roses and drove through a blizzard to take me out on Valentine's Day. I am pretty sure that is when I realized that this one was THE one. I am sure I will post many times about how fabulous Alan is, but that is it for now.
I didn't expect to ever have a relationship with him. We were just supposed to be roommates. Alan has treated me better than I have ever been treated by anyone in my life. Not a lot of people realize that Alan saved me in so many different ways. We have been through so much as a couple, and
I can't see me sticking around anyone else.
Our first real date, he pulled out all of the stops. He bought me two dozen roses and drove through a blizzard to take me out on Valentine's Day. I am pretty sure that is when I realized that this one was THE one. I am sure I will post many times about how fabulous Alan is, but that is it for now.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
HSG
What does this stand for? hysterosalpingogram.
What should it stand for? Hello strange guys!
Well let's see you won't allow my husband in for the procedure, but you allow two med students (males, go figure, going into gynecology), three nurses two women, one male, and an x-ray technician. Also male.
Cool, this wasn't already uncomfortable. So basically what happens when you go for this procedure (without all of the horrific details) is they check if your fallopian tubes are clear from all blockages so your egg can travel safely down the tube. Well, they also can see your whole uterus.
Let me tell you something. When you are running off of two hours of sleep because trains got in late the night before and some crazy guy who you don't know (Okay, so he isn't just some random guy he is a doctor) says, "Oh well that's not normal" and describes an abnormal growth the size of a slug on the top of your uterus you may get a little emotional. You may walk back to the room where your unknowing husband is and crack a few jokes and laugh because if you stop smiling you will just break down and cry. It isn't his fault that he doesn't know.
You may walk with him to the bathroom and while he uses the rest room you watch a pregnant woman walk by and force yourself to stop those tears from falling because you are in public, and you can't cry in public. It isn't her fault she can procreate. When he is finished you may plaster on a huge grin and listen to him talk about God knows what while telling yourself over and over not to cry. Crying makes you weak, don't do it. You may even wipe tears away quickly while pretending to look to see if there are any cars coming.
You may be strong enough to get in the car and get home, but probably not.
I made it to the car, and I lost it. I couldn't even speak. Let me tell you something, you are a very blessed person if you are lucky enough to marry a man as strong as Alan. He is so amazing that I can't even find words for him. He has been my rock through this entire process. When I was finally able to choke out the words that the doctor had told me, he calmed me down enough to make it home. He bought me donuts. We slept for a few hours, and I went to work.
That is pretty much what I was left with for two weeks until I went in for a biopsy on my endometrial lining. Talk about painful. Two weeks later after I thought I was dying because of abnormal bleeding I found out that I am cancer free, and we can proceed with treatment.
What should it stand for? Hello strange guys!
Well let's see you won't allow my husband in for the procedure, but you allow two med students (males, go figure, going into gynecology), three nurses two women, one male, and an x-ray technician. Also male.
Cool, this wasn't already uncomfortable. So basically what happens when you go for this procedure (without all of the horrific details) is they check if your fallopian tubes are clear from all blockages so your egg can travel safely down the tube. Well, they also can see your whole uterus.
Let me tell you something. When you are running off of two hours of sleep because trains got in late the night before and some crazy guy who you don't know (Okay, so he isn't just some random guy he is a doctor) says, "Oh well that's not normal" and describes an abnormal growth the size of a slug on the top of your uterus you may get a little emotional. You may walk back to the room where your unknowing husband is and crack a few jokes and laugh because if you stop smiling you will just break down and cry. It isn't his fault that he doesn't know.
You may walk with him to the bathroom and while he uses the rest room you watch a pregnant woman walk by and force yourself to stop those tears from falling because you are in public, and you can't cry in public. It isn't her fault she can procreate. When he is finished you may plaster on a huge grin and listen to him talk about God knows what while telling yourself over and over not to cry. Crying makes you weak, don't do it. You may even wipe tears away quickly while pretending to look to see if there are any cars coming.
You may be strong enough to get in the car and get home, but probably not.
I made it to the car, and I lost it. I couldn't even speak. Let me tell you something, you are a very blessed person if you are lucky enough to marry a man as strong as Alan. He is so amazing that I can't even find words for him. He has been my rock through this entire process. When I was finally able to choke out the words that the doctor had told me, he calmed me down enough to make it home. He bought me donuts. We slept for a few hours, and I went to work.
That is pretty much what I was left with for two weeks until I went in for a biopsy on my endometrial lining. Talk about painful. Two weeks later after I thought I was dying because of abnormal bleeding I found out that I am cancer free, and we can proceed with treatment.
The Clomid Crazies
I started a drug called Clomid on Tuesday night. It is throwing me for a loop. I have never in my life felt so totally out of touch with my emotions. I am crying, getting offended so easily. I am annoyed by everything, and God, the hot flashes are killing me.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the greater good and that this is the first real chance we have at making a baby. Through out our entire struggles trying to get pregnant this is our first real shot, that thought is so overwhelming, that I pretend like I don't know it sometimes.
To think that we can get pregnant this cycle is completely insane. It is insane that after two years we have found something that may work. It gives me so much hope and so much fear all at the same time. I find myself searching for maternity clothes and searching for baby products that we need. This is completely insane. I was told that it would be sad if I wasn't searching because that would mean I have lost hope. But where is the line between hope/ and protecting one's heart.
My heart has been so broken for so long. I feel that through this whole experience I have just been torn down time after time. Every pregnancy announcement breaks my heart a little more and makes me more fragile. Then I feel like complete crap. I know other people's fertility has no affect on mine, and I know life isn't fair. I feel like crap every time that I feel jealousy over another woman's bump, the facebook statuses about what new little miracle their child is doing now make me long for something more. I love all of my friends and my family, and I am so excited for them for being able to have a family. I long for the same ability.
Every announcement brings forth a new wave of emotions. Happiness, excitement, longing, jealousy, self hate, self pity, and disappointment. Month after month cycle after cycle negative result after negative result. Trials and tribulations. Doubting my faith, myself, my womanhood.
Isn't a woman's job to bare children? Why am I broken? What did I do that was so horrible to be denied something that makes me a woman? People don't understand the emotions that go behind infertility. It is a word, a word most people won't use. You can say the word cancer and people can understand what that means. You say the word infertility and people clam up, or worse, say the most ridiculous things. "are you sure you are doing it right?" "You just need to relax and it will happen." Don't even get me started on the I had a friend who tried forever and then...
I don't want to hear this. I don't care what you think about my journey, I don't care what worked for your friend. I am not that person. I have been through many procedures and uncomfortable appointments I know what my body is and isn't doing. I don't need your amateur advice. I pay my doctor a lot of money to hear her thoughts. What do I need from you? Support. Tell me you love me, and you will listen. Tell me I am worth something even though I am broken. Tell me that life isn't fair and that it sucks sometimes. Tell me drowning my infertility in a bottle of wine every once in a while is ok. Tell me it is ok to be upset about it, but I can't dwell in those feelings.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the greater good and that this is the first real chance we have at making a baby. Through out our entire struggles trying to get pregnant this is our first real shot, that thought is so overwhelming, that I pretend like I don't know it sometimes.
To think that we can get pregnant this cycle is completely insane. It is insane that after two years we have found something that may work. It gives me so much hope and so much fear all at the same time. I find myself searching for maternity clothes and searching for baby products that we need. This is completely insane. I was told that it would be sad if I wasn't searching because that would mean I have lost hope. But where is the line between hope/ and protecting one's heart.
My heart has been so broken for so long. I feel that through this whole experience I have just been torn down time after time. Every pregnancy announcement breaks my heart a little more and makes me more fragile. Then I feel like complete crap. I know other people's fertility has no affect on mine, and I know life isn't fair. I feel like crap every time that I feel jealousy over another woman's bump, the facebook statuses about what new little miracle their child is doing now make me long for something more. I love all of my friends and my family, and I am so excited for them for being able to have a family. I long for the same ability.
Every announcement brings forth a new wave of emotions. Happiness, excitement, longing, jealousy, self hate, self pity, and disappointment. Month after month cycle after cycle negative result after negative result. Trials and tribulations. Doubting my faith, myself, my womanhood.
Isn't a woman's job to bare children? Why am I broken? What did I do that was so horrible to be denied something that makes me a woman? People don't understand the emotions that go behind infertility. It is a word, a word most people won't use. You can say the word cancer and people can understand what that means. You say the word infertility and people clam up, or worse, say the most ridiculous things. "are you sure you are doing it right?" "You just need to relax and it will happen." Don't even get me started on the I had a friend who tried forever and then...
I don't want to hear this. I don't care what you think about my journey, I don't care what worked for your friend. I am not that person. I have been through many procedures and uncomfortable appointments I know what my body is and isn't doing. I don't need your amateur advice. I pay my doctor a lot of money to hear her thoughts. What do I need from you? Support. Tell me you love me, and you will listen. Tell me I am worth something even though I am broken. Tell me that life isn't fair and that it sucks sometimes. Tell me drowning my infertility in a bottle of wine every once in a while is ok. Tell me it is ok to be upset about it, but I can't dwell in those feelings.
Monday, September 3, 2012
I haven't written in a while.
There has been a lot of personal things going on in my life, and in the lives of the people I love.
Eventually this blog was going to become my outlet for how I feel about being an infertile woman. Now, I see it as so much more than that. Everyone is touched my love every single day. Whether they realize that or not is a different story.
I have so much to write about, I can't even contain it in one post. So, over the course of the next few days, I will be adding more to this blog, and hopefully it will keep me occupied so that I won't go crazy.
Eventually this blog was going to become my outlet for how I feel about being an infertile woman. Now, I see it as so much more than that. Everyone is touched my love every single day. Whether they realize that or not is a different story.
I have so much to write about, I can't even contain it in one post. So, over the course of the next few days, I will be adding more to this blog, and hopefully it will keep me occupied so that I won't go crazy.
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