Unexpected Hope

Life is full of defining moments. Moments in which change everything. Everyone usually pictures these moments as huge things that get great attention from everyone you know, but usually, that isn't the case. Life isn't set up like the movies where you change after some coming of age tale and you all of a sudden have perfect clarity of life and understand the meaning behind it all. My defining moments have never been that way. They are usually very small things that change everything.

I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.

Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.

Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.

It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.