Just Keep Swimming

Today we went to see Finding Nemo in 3D. I am not a fan fan of the 3D craze, but I am a huge fan of Disney. We went with my Brother in law and my Sister in law, both whom I love dearly. While we were outside before the movie, I got some unexpected news that one of our mutual friends is pregnant. Oh joy. Bring out the friggen banners and shout it from the mountains. (Please note the sarcasm) It isn't that I am not happy for them and all that, but really? Really? I have to find this out the day I realize the Clomid is not working as it is supposed to and this cycle, unless some miracle occurs,  is a bust.

People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I am tired of gaining strength, and I am tired of God testing me. Haven't I proven myself? Haven't I overcome enough? I get so frustrated and I feel so awful for my friends who don't know what to say. I hate that I feel the need to talk about it. Why can't I just push it down and never discuss it? Infertility sucks. Knowing I can't get pregnant without a medical intervention sucks. I am starting to feel ridiculously bitter and I hate that. I am not this person. I don't want to be labeled as a bitter infertile, but I guess that is what I am.

I need to remember that that is not all that I am. I am an amazing friend, a strong woman, a loving wife, and a person of value. Throughout this whole struggle I have felt like less of a woman because I can't do the one thing I am meant to do properly, but I need to change that frame of mind.

In the movie there is a scene when Dorrie and Marlin have to swim into a dark abyss. Marlin doesn't want to go because he is scared of the unknown, but Dorrie starts to sing, "Just keep swimming." I know it probably sounds ridiculously lame, but it helped me get through the night without bawling hysterically like a whack job, which is what I really wanted to do. It is funny how I started my day off losing a fish friend, and ended it by taking advice from one. The world work in mysterious ways, or I really am just a total whack job. I guess you can be the judge of that.