Small Successes

Last Friday Alan and I decided that we had to change our lifestyle. We joined My Fitness Pal, and have really stepped up our eating habits and exercise. I was shocked to find out how motivated an app could make me. Since I joined I have been under my calories every single day!

I have been more active, and less likely to snack. At the end of every day the app tells me my projected weight in 5 weeks if I continue to keep up this lifestyle. That really motivates me. To know that if keep it up I will see results.

I am so proud of myself, and of Alan. I feel better all around. This week I have lost 2 pounds. That doesn't seem like much, but it matters to me. Each ounce is one ounce that was holding me back from my goals and my dreams.

Every ounce that I lose I gain so much from.

Becoming that girl

It is funny the way time can change you especially when it comes to your positions on things that don't really matter. I was never one to need all of the latest and greatest. I still don't feel that I am, but as I grow older and have life get in the way and break me down I can see the appeal of pampering oneself or being treated to name brands.

I didn't get my first manicure until I was out of high school. I got a set of acrylic nails and had them painted jet black to go along with my gothic look and heavy eyeliner. I remember the feeling of having nails for the first time. I would tap them annoyingly on the aluminum bleaches of a local stadium sending waves of pure joy throughout my body.

Then came the routine eyebrow waxing and buying makeup that wasn't named after candy and cost more than 99 cents. I even splurged now and then on named brand clothes of I had a fun event. I stopped borrowing my more stylish friend's clothes and developed a wardrobe of my own.

Next I discovered the wonder of a pedicure! It was unreal! It was like foot heaven complete with its own hot tub. I realized the functionality of a purse and stopped carrying my belongings in my pants and hoodies. At first they were no name cheap purses, then I moved up to the fabulous Vera Bradley. Her rich colors and quality product appealed to me.

Eventually, I grew to appreciate having a nice bag, a pop of color, some extra bling. Then it happened, I bought a Coach purse a wonderful satin handbag with hues of blue and grey. I fell in love instantly, and a little over a year later I was purchasing my second one. This time a bright purple color that I needed to liven up my bland wardrobe. I finally understood that it wasn't the name brand that was important, but the gift to yourself. It wasn't about spending money to spend it, it is about investing in yourself and your quality of life.

So today, I received my first iPhone. Simply because I wanted it. It may be the first big item I purchased where I didn't have to make excuses for why I needed it.

3 AM again

Just another night that I have greeted 3 AM wide awake, and with no sign of any tiredness. Both the dog and my husband are snoring away, and I am sitting here annoyed and in a bad mood.

The TV is on and airing Food Network reruns. I don't dare reach across for the remote and wake Alan up. This is my time to be sad and alone. This is my time to feel sorry for myself. My time to be selfish and pout internally whining to the universe that life isn't fair.

I complain about not being able to sleep like a normal person, but I wonder if I would miss my me time. At all other times people are reachable, social media is constantly updating, and people fill in the silent moments. Not now. No one is around. Just me, the TV and the sound of breathing. No interruptions, just me and my thoughts.

This is my safe haven. It isn't a physical place, but somewhere that exists within my mind. A place no one can tarnish, a place that is beyond unreachable for everyone but me. In here I can lie, I can pretend, and I can control. It is a place no one else would understand. A place so dark that even if it were an attainable destination people still wouldn't come around. A fortress of haunted memories and things so horrible that not even the hardest of souls could break through. But I can.

Because behind these dark walls and terror lies a place so sacred to me. The light on the inside is blinding and strong. This is where I sit, I sit still and project my thoughts out, thickening the dark walls with even darker thoughts. It's what is inside that counts though. Inside this shrouded place is the safest place I can find. I am protected by my own negativity no one can break through and no one can get to me.

My three o'clock mind is my secret clubhouse of adulthood. Physically I am present here, but what really counts is lightyears away. It is just me sitting on a white sand beach, knees to my chest and embracing myself, trapped, but freed by my own shadows.

Game On

So we had been taking a break from this whole process, but now we are back on.

I haven't been writing much lately because I have been trying to keep as positive as I can, but that has been pretty difficult lately. Then again writing down all of these garbled  up emotions can help me. That will come later though.

The Lockout

The lockout has ended and this is very good news. I am excited to have hockey back in my life! Although, I will miss watching the replays of the Stanley Cup Finals from 2011.

I have stated that I am excited for hockey to be back, but at the same time, I am still pissed off. I am pissed off that we get half a season because of greed. I am pissed of because we won't see any of the Western Conference teams until the playoffs, and I am pissed off because the NHL is stacking the schedule up with all of the rivalries to guarantee arenas to sell out.

I am not sure exactly what the new CBA is yet, because I haven't had time to do all of the research on it, but I do know that it is a 10 year agreement, and that there is something about an amnesty clause in there.

So, yes the lockout is over, but I am still beyond pissed off about it. I am excited to see my boys in their wonderful black and gold uniforms, the ones they belong in. I will take the 48-50 regular season games, but that doesn't mean I still don't feel abused by the league.

Crock Pot Adventures!

So, as a bit of a New Year's Resolution, I have decided to stop ordering take out so much when I am working. Because I am brilliant I realized, I can cook while I work instead of cooking before I go to work and packing food. Today is the second day I have cooked at work.

My first day, I cooked pulled chicken with barbecue sauce, a go to favorite of mine, and put it on potato rolls. It was pretty good, and I had left overs! Always a score! If the trains are late I have something to hold me if I get hungry! Hooray!

Today I am making Hawaiian chicken over white rice! So far, it smells pretty good! I am really excited to try it!Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to prepare a bunch of different meals throw them in to gallon sized storage bags and toss them in the freezer. That way, when I leave for work all I have to do is grab a frozen bag and hit the road.

Hopefully, I keep this up! There is really no reason that I don't keep it up. It couldn't be simpler. I am excited to come up with all sorts of new recipes!

Stranger Than Fiction

I just finished watching the movie Stranger Than Fiction. If you haven't seen it, you should. It is one of my favorite movies ever made. It is smart and funny and extremely thought provoking. It isn't what you would expect from a Will Farell movie, but it is fantastic.

As I was watching I was thinking about how we have no control over what happens to us. Someone else writes the pages to our book. From the mundane tasks we preform to the most significant moments in our lives.

You never know what the domino affect is from your simple action of holding the door for the person behind you. It is crazy to think about how many people are in this world and how far apart we all are, yet we are all connected in some way. I often wonder how anyone can ever feel lonely. I understand the feeling of being alone, but often times when I feel this way, I just need some perspective.

New Year. Good Riddance.

Last year was awful. I would do a month by month play of just how awful it was, but I don't want to get in to all that. Some beyond horrible things happened to some very amazing people that I know. Loved ones were lost, there were heinous acts against humanity, and tragedy seemed to envelop every month in the year. On top of the tragedy each month brought its own sorrow to me and Alan.  There was hope, and it was ripped away. As bad as 2012 was, there were also some good.

I was given an amazing Goddaughter. I found out who my real friends are, even if that involved some awful fall outs, but now I know who will be there. Alan and I celebrated our second anniversary, and we are stronger than we have ever been.

I have never been one to really make a fuss about New Years Eve, but I have always been one to promise myself all sorts of wonderful things for the new year. This year, I am not doing that. A new year brings new opportunities. Not necessarily a fresh start, but a a wiser start. I am taking what I have learned from this past year, and I am locking it away in my heart. This past year has changed me, just like this year will. Another year gone, another year wiser.

A new year.