Just another night that I have greeted 3 AM wide awake, and with no sign of any tiredness. Both the dog and my husband are snoring away, and I am sitting here annoyed and in a bad mood.
The TV is on and airing Food Network reruns. I don't dare reach across for the remote and wake Alan up. This is my time to be sad and alone. This is my time to feel sorry for myself. My time to be selfish and pout internally whining to the universe that life isn't fair.
I complain about not being able to sleep like a normal person, but I wonder if I would miss my me time. At all other times people are reachable, social media is constantly updating, and people fill in the silent moments. Not now. No one is around. Just me, the TV and the sound of breathing. No interruptions, just me and my thoughts.
This is my safe haven. It isn't a physical place, but somewhere that exists within my mind. A place no one can tarnish, a place that is beyond unreachable for everyone but me. In here I can lie, I can pretend, and I can control. It is a place no one else would understand. A place so dark that even if it were an attainable destination people still wouldn't come around. A fortress of haunted memories and things so horrible that not even the hardest of souls could break through. But I can.
Because behind these dark walls and terror lies a place so sacred to me. The light on the inside is blinding and strong. This is where I sit, I sit still and project my thoughts out, thickening the dark walls with even darker thoughts. It's what is inside that counts though. Inside this shrouded place is the safest place I can find. I am protected by my own negativity no one can break through and no one can get to me.
My three o'clock mind is my secret clubhouse of adulthood. Physically I am present here, but what really counts is lightyears away. It is just me sitting on a white sand beach, knees to my chest and embracing myself, trapped, but freed by my own shadows.
No comments:
Post a Comment