National Infertility Awareness Week

So, I know it's Monday, but I have been trying to figure out how to go about writing this blog entry, but I figured I would just express myself and hope that I do not hurt anyone with my words. 

Infertility is something that I still hold on to, but over this past year it has affected me in a different way. I once explained to a friend (who had a child) who would not stop telling me to relax and it would happen. I told him imagine never knowing what his child looked like, never being able to hold her, and never being able to interact with her. His life would be incomplete. That is what someone struggling with infertility goes through on a daily basis. 

Someone who wants nothing more than to meet their child feels that absence every single day of their life. Every holiday is spent with a quiet sadness in their hearts, every time they pass a playground they feel that sting, the void in their heart where their child should fill. On top of the pain of not being able to have their child is the pain of not being able to celebrate fully with their friends and family  on the occasions that celebrates children. 

The nervous sadness is ever present. At every baby shower is a longing for the day they get to sit in front of people rubbing their belly. Every birthday party is a calculation of how old their child might be if they could get pregnant without medical intervention or at all. Every Mother's Day and Father's Day is a dark hole of people celebrating what they long to be. 

The questions from people asking when they are going to have children have been answered time after time. The feeling of disappointing their parents and siblings because they aren't yet grandparents or aunts and uncles yet is always hovering over them. 

Each failed test, each stark white result breaks them more and more cycle after cycle, but they pick themselves up and do it all over again the next month. They go through uncomfortable testing, invite doctors into their intimate life, into their relationship, they get poked and prodded and go through painful procedures and treatments just for a chance. A chance that 7 out of 8 couples get for free. A chance that 87.5% of couples experience with no pain. These people experiencing this pain are your friends, your family, your children, your coworkers, they are the people you see every day and don't give a second thought to. Yet many of them suffer in silence. They carry this weight around all. The. Time. 

If someone in your life is experiencing infertility just knowing you are there for them to open up to can help immensely. Don't offer advice, just be there. Love them, be there, help them. Infertility breaks people. You can help pick up some of the pieces. 

Is any love really selfish?

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts about myself. About how I need to better my life for me. I try to be as selfless as I can be, but I think I am allowed to focus on myself for a while. It doesn't mean I have to stop caring about other people in the process. Over the last few years I have realized that I need a serious make over. Not in a vain way. I need a mind make over. I need to stop being complacent and start loving myself enough to take care of myself.

I have a ton of support and I know this journey is going to be a tough one. There have been several events that have changed my outlook. I look at my son who deserves a mother who can be there for him totally and not live on the sidelines. I look at my husband who deserves a wife who can stop making excuses as to why she can't do things. I look at my grandmother who is 90 years old and has seen and been through so much and can still find room to add more love in her heart. I look at my mother who is still so vibrant and active and I want that. I look at my friends who deserve a friend who isn't embarrassed to go out because she is afraid of comments and judgements. I look at how far some people have come, and I think to myself, I want that. Then, I look at myself and I can finally say, "I am worth it. I deserve better than what I have been giving myself."

Abuse comes in all forms, and I have been abusing myself. I have spent a good portion of my life putting myself on the back burner, but there is room up front for me. I want my life back and I am not going to let anything stand in my way. I deserve more than I have been giving myself.

There have been contributing factors, but I feel like I am moving past them. From now on, I will make myself and my health a priority. Baby steps are hard, but before you know it, you can look behind you and see just how far you've come.

Just a joke?

ISo as April Fools day has come and gone I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I am sure you have all seen the picture of the baby talking about how posting a fake pregnancy announcement can hurt others dealing with the pain of infertility. If you haven't, I am attaching it in this post. 

I love this. I love the message behind it, but it appears as though I am in the minority. So many people are saying the people posting this need to suck it up and stop being so sensitive, but where is the line between too sensitive and in need of compassion? 

April Fools day never did anything for me.  I think it's pretty stupid, but hey whatever floats your boat. I don't think fake pregnancy announcements are funny, though. I think they can be hurtful and mean. Most people dealing with infertility are not "out" about it, and it's giant outcries like the ones I read all over social media about sucking it up and the like that make people scared to vocalize their stories. 

When has a joke gone too far? When it impedes someone from healing, venting or takes away someone's safe haven. Infertility is something that is still extremely taboo and brushed under the rug. Many women who I know struggle still hide it from their families and friends. Why? Because by opening up about it, you are inviting people in to your intimate life. The relationship you have with your husband is now not only a public topic of discussion with you and your many doctors and nurses it is now open to everyone. Everyone is invited in to your bedroom. 

I guess it's funny to have your Boyfriend, husband, friend with benefits scared for a bit that you are carrying another human life, but I don't think joking about being a life support for someone else is all that amusing. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I would rather respect the feelings of my very deaf friends and be called a prude than potentially do more damage to someone I care very deeply about.