Disappointments

I have felt extremely disappointed in myself lately. For a lot of different reasons, but mostly because I can't think of one thing I am actually great at. I like to surround myself with extraordinary people, but I feel like that is extremely hypocritical of me. Why should they want to be in my company when I am barely average?

This isn't meant to be a pity party because I don't feel bad for myself. Sometimes in life you are merely a spectator, and that's what I am. I love all of my friends and I love watching them be. It brings me great joy to hear about their successes. I just don't have that. I just kind of trot along, living life. I wake up, go to work, go home and go to sleep. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I think the majority of these disappointed feelings stem from my struggles with infertility. I know logically that this is nothing that I have done, but I can't help but blame myself. I am 90% sure the Clomid is not working, and I can't even work properly when drugged up with hormones. All I have to show for it is a series of hot flashes, and a husband who thinks I am crazy because I cry at Kleenex commercials. No signs of ovulation, no magical mystical sudden chimes going off. Just me, here, with this broken body. Scared to death of disappointing my husband, my parents, my friends, my family.

Waiting to see that magical second line, waiting for a brief moment of hope, a brief sigh of relief. Praying for a miracle to occur. Just one miracle. My hopes and dreams for a large family are slowly fading away. Doubt in every time I proclaim to myself that I will get what I most desire in life. Betrayed by my very own body, my very own womb. Sunken in to a hole of disappointment and despair.

I used to be so good at forcing a smile and pretending I was ok. I guess I am just sick and tired of that now. It isn't that I can't be happy if I don't have children, it just isn't how I pictured my life. I often wonder how long Alan will love me before he becomes disappointed in me, too. Disappointed I can't give him that child that he longs for. I think that is the hardest part. Knowing that I have let him down. Disappointed him. Ruined his happy ending. Then it becomes even harder knowing that he would never even think those things about me because he is too perfect for that to cross his mind.