This is my life. I never thought I would pee on things so much, but now I do it at least three times a day. I don't know why I even bother anymore. I know what the results are going to be. So I convince myself I won't test today, I won't let that empty circle let me down. I won't let that blinding white test affect my day, and then it happens, a twinge in my abdomen! What? Could this be it? Could this be the elusive ovulation? The one thing I have heard so much about? Okay, just this one last time, I will pee on that stick and I will get my smiley face! Victory shall be mine!
Nope, not today, not now. Not this month. I already know I have a snowballs chance in hell at ovulating. There were no delusions about that. So why all of this hope? I guess because hope is all I can hold on to. It isn't something I ever want to lose.
I had a conversation with Alan last night, ok, it was more like me being a giant pile of crying goo and Alan listening in helplessly, about things. If you didn't already know this, Alan is amazing. He said all of the right things, and I believed him. Then I stayed up super late as he slept and told myself that I need to get the eff over myself and put on my grown up pants and move on. I can't let this consume my life. I can't let this be my only goal in life. So I need to find another outlet.
Maybe I will finish my novel that I started a million years ago, or maybe I will bake until my kitchen is covered in flour, or maybe I will just relax and do yoga on my front porch. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, what matters is finding an alternative to feeling sad and lost. Yes, what we are going through is awful, and emotionally taxing, but I can't lose myself in my own battle against infertility. I have overcome so much, this will not break me, and I am done letting it control me. I still suspect I will get in to ruts, and such. I can't be strong forever, but I need to stop pretending and I need to let myself live again.
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