The Clomid Crazies

I started a drug called Clomid on Tuesday night. It is throwing me for a loop. I have never in my life felt so totally out of touch with my emotions. I am crying, getting offended so easily. I am annoyed by everything, and God, the hot flashes are killing me.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the greater good and that this is the first real chance we have at making a baby. Through out our entire struggles trying to get pregnant this is our first real shot, that thought is so overwhelming, that I pretend like I don't know it sometimes.

To think that we can get pregnant this cycle is completely insane. It is insane that after two years we have found something that may work. It gives me so much hope and so much fear all at the same time. I find myself searching for maternity clothes and searching for baby products that we need. This is completely insane. I was told that it would be sad if I wasn't searching because that would mean I have lost hope. But where is the line between hope/ and protecting one's heart.

My heart has been so broken for so long. I feel that through this whole experience I have just been torn down time after time. Every pregnancy announcement breaks my heart a little more and makes me more fragile. Then I feel like complete crap. I know other people's fertility has no affect on mine, and I know life isn't fair. I feel like crap every time that I feel jealousy over another woman's bump, the facebook statuses about what new little miracle their child is doing now make me long for something more. I love all of my friends and my family, and I am so excited for them for being able to have a family. I long for the same ability.

Every announcement brings forth a new wave of emotions. Happiness, excitement, longing, jealousy, self hate, self pity, and disappointment. Month after month cycle after cycle negative result after negative result. Trials and tribulations. Doubting my faith, myself, my womanhood.

Isn't a woman's job to bare children? Why am I broken? What did I do that was so horrible to be denied something that makes me a woman? People don't understand the emotions that go behind infertility. It is a word, a word most people won't use. You can say the word cancer and people can understand what that means. You say the word infertility and people clam up, or worse, say the most ridiculous things. "are you sure you are doing it right?" "You just need to relax and it will happen." Don't even get me started on the I had a friend who tried forever and then...

I don't want to hear this. I don't care what you think about my journey, I don't care what worked for your friend. I am not that person. I have been through many procedures and uncomfortable appointments I know what my body is and isn't doing. I don't need your amateur advice. I pay my doctor a lot of money to hear her thoughts. What do I need from you? Support. Tell me you love me, and you will listen. Tell me I am worth something even though I am broken. Tell me that life isn't fair and that it sucks sometimes. Tell me drowning my infertility in a bottle of wine every once in a while is ok. Tell me it is ok to be upset about it, but I can't dwell in those feelings.