I bought some new work clothes, but I bought them bigger than I need to make room for my phantom baby. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I can't help it. This cycle I am not feeling defeated, but I am not optimistic either. It is hard to take drugs knowing what they are going to do to you and not get your hopes up. It is easier to blame yourself than to question science.
I guess this cycle I have periods of just feeling numb. Numb to this whole experience. Praying that I won't hear about someone else getting pregnant. Hoping that I won't get angry and flip the channel when I see a baby related commercial, and then going back to the shielding and numbness. Shielding your heart from more disappointment, more angst. Just simply going through the motions until the next inevitable step happens. Wondering if more treatments will be the solution or if you will just be left disappointed, yet again.
I know there are other women who have struggled longer than I have, and that just makes me feel even worse about feeling this way. Now I am just being selfish. I wish I had the words to get my true feelings out. I wish I could explain why I get so angry when people tell me to enjoy my childless life while I can. I wish that I could describe the conflicting emotions I have when I am holding someone's child. But mostly, I wish I could experience being a mother.
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