Last night when I got home I did something I haven't done in a long, long time. I prayed, not just a quick prayer in which I take a moment from what I am doing and ask God for something, but really took the time out in my car, bowed my head down, and prayed long and hard.
I have always been a very spiritual person. I have never been super religious, but I don't think that matters too much. Last night I prayed for a chance. All I am asking for is one miracle. Every twinge I feel, brings me hope and fear at the same time. Each ache that I feel in my lower abdomen makes me wonder if my baby is snuggling in for a cozy nine months, or if it is preparing for a new cycle.
With everyone around me so confident that this is it, I start to feel so hopeful. I have to try to keep myself grounded, The problem is early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS symptoms. So I am over-analyzing every little thing. At least I know now that this dosage of Clomid actually works, and that is a good thing.
Two years I have been waiting for this chance. It seems so odd that it has actually happened. I need to relish in that fact, that we have a chance. Even if we miss this chance, we will have another.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Confirmation
Today, I went in for my second blood draw to check my progesterone levels. I got the call that confirmed that I did ovulate. Hooray! This cycle has been such a roller coaster ride. I am so lucky and thankful to have such wonderful people supporting me. When I received the call there was a rush of calm that overtook me. This worked. (Not in the sense that I am pregnant, but the medicine did what it was supposed to do.)
Hell, I will even take the ridiculously hideous bruise in my left arm because I got the news that I wanted. Right now my mind is too fuzzy to really write, but I wanted to get this out there.
Now begins the longest two weeks of my life...
Hell, I will even take the ridiculously hideous bruise in my left arm because I got the news that I wanted. Right now my mind is too fuzzy to really write, but I wanted to get this out there.
Now begins the longest two weeks of my life...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
New Shift
So I got a new shift at work! One that allows for a social life. That is exciting. No real point to this post except to inform the masses that I will now be available to hang out! Well in a couple of weeks when it takes effect! Wooo!
Speed Bumps
So, today I went for blood work to see if I ovulated. They checked my progesterone levels and they were barely elevated. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but I have to go back in on Friday so they can steal more of my blood. I am wondering if it is just too soon after ovulation that it didn't read. I am wondering a lot of things, actually.
Mostly wondering about why every time I feel like we have passed a hurdle another one pops up. Or, maybe this is the same hurdle that we just can't pass. I am hoping my levels go up, and they can see a clear surge. I'm hoping this is the last blood draw and that this cycle will be successful.
On an similar, but mostly unrelated note, my thyroid levels are finally under control. That's good. I'm excited about that at least. That means not having to get used to another dosage and feeling sick for two weeks! Hooray!
All in all I am not as emotional as I thought I would be. This news, while it isn't the best, certainly isn't the worst. I am wondering if they will up my dosage for next cycle. Tonight I am going to focus on having fun and being in the moment because yes, things kind of suck right now, but this is my only chance to live in this moment.
The Art of Squatting
Last night we were helping our friend do some work on his truck. He came to pick me up and we were meeting Alan at his father's shop. Alan was meeting us directly after work, and we got there first. I have a few really weird quirks. One of them being that I have issues with public restrooms. Not just the normal, "Oh, I will put down toilet paper on the seat" issues. If I inspect a bathroom, and it doesn't meet my standards, I will NOT use it.
So, I guess you can tell where this is heading. I have become quite good at being able to squat in public. This comes in handy while camping, boating, hiking and life in general.My first experience, that I can remember, of peeing outside occurred when I was about 7 or 8, My mum, my aunt, my sisters and two of my cousins all went for a hike to the Blue Hills. I had to pee so badly! This is when my mum decided it was time to teach me how to pee in the woods. Well, it didn't exactly go as planned. What exactly my mum said to me has been lost in my mind somewhere, but it was similar to, "You just makes sure no one is around, pull down your pants, and go." I took this quite literally.
There halfway up the mountain, I peed for the first time outside. It didn't go exactly as planned. As most first times often do. So I did exactly what my mum said, because at that point I was going to pee my pants. I pulled down my pants and I just let it flow. I leaned back, and peed. While standing up. A feat that most women can not do. For some unknown reason my mum put her hand out to stop me because I should have been squatting down, and she got in the way. I peed all over my mum's hand and arm. I was 7 give me a break. After the initial shock and anger of being peed on my mum realized how funny the situation actually was.
Anyways, 19 years, a phobia of public restrooms and a fear of people seeing my bum and I am still peeing outside. Although, I have gotten much better at it. I think most women over think this. The key is, to first decide in which location you are going to pee. Next you roll up the bottom of your pants, then you pull down your pants, and then you squat. It is important to pull down your pants first because that way the the bulk of your pants aren't in the way of doing what you need to do.
Yes, it is an art. Yes, I have mastered it, and yes I embrace this part of me!
So, I guess you can tell where this is heading. I have become quite good at being able to squat in public. This comes in handy while camping, boating, hiking and life in general.My first experience, that I can remember, of peeing outside occurred when I was about 7 or 8, My mum, my aunt, my sisters and two of my cousins all went for a hike to the Blue Hills. I had to pee so badly! This is when my mum decided it was time to teach me how to pee in the woods. Well, it didn't exactly go as planned. What exactly my mum said to me has been lost in my mind somewhere, but it was similar to, "You just makes sure no one is around, pull down your pants, and go." I took this quite literally.
There halfway up the mountain, I peed for the first time outside. It didn't go exactly as planned. As most first times often do. So I did exactly what my mum said, because at that point I was going to pee my pants. I pulled down my pants and I just let it flow. I leaned back, and peed. While standing up. A feat that most women can not do. For some unknown reason my mum put her hand out to stop me because I should have been squatting down, and she got in the way. I peed all over my mum's hand and arm. I was 7 give me a break. After the initial shock and anger of being peed on my mum realized how funny the situation actually was.
Anyways, 19 years, a phobia of public restrooms and a fear of people seeing my bum and I am still peeing outside. Although, I have gotten much better at it. I think most women over think this. The key is, to first decide in which location you are going to pee. Next you roll up the bottom of your pants, then you pull down your pants, and then you squat. It is important to pull down your pants first because that way the the bulk of your pants aren't in the way of doing what you need to do.
Yes, it is an art. Yes, I have mastered it, and yes I embrace this part of me!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Unexpected Hope
Life is full of defining moments. Moments in which change everything. Everyone usually pictures these moments as huge things that get great attention from everyone you know, but usually, that isn't the case. Life isn't set up like the movies where you change after some coming of age tale and you all of a sudden have perfect clarity of life and understand the meaning behind it all. My defining moments have never been that way. They are usually very small things that change everything.
I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.
Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.
It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.
I believe I had one of these last night. I decided last night that I was going to test. One more. Expecting the worst, and having little to no hope that I would ever see that oh so sacred smiley face. Three minutes doesn't seem like a long time to wait, but when you know that at the end of three minutes you can get a result that could potentially be life changing, it takes forever. Last night, I didn't care. It was 2AM and I am pretty sure I took the Ovulation test because it felt weird not to. Alan was asleep, as he should be, and my plan was to just sneak in to bed, and cuddle with Kit.
Then, something weird happened. I looked at the test. I thought I was imagining things. There was no empty circle there, where I was used to seeing a blank screen was the happiest face I have ever seen in my whole life. A smile from ear to ear. An electronic smile gave me hope. Something I had been missing for the past couple of days, and I cried. I cried and cried and thought I was dreaming. I thought that I was hallucinating, and that someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
Once I got over the initial shock of seeing a smiley face pop up, I ran into our bedroom, and yelled for Alan. Alan jumped up out of bed thinking something was wrong. After I assured him nothing was wrong, and asked if I could turn on the light I showed him the test. I have never seen such pure happiness radiate from him. He knew what it meant, and that this is what we were waiting for. I worked. I finally worked. My broken body finally did something it was supposed to.
It sent waves of pure joy and elation through me. Who knew an emoticon could be so life changing? I know this doesn't mean our journey is ending, and I am still being realistic about our chances, but it was nice to be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a small victory in what has seemed like an endless battle.
Charybdis
To say that this road has been easy would be a bold face lie. This
road has been nothing but hell. It has been long, stressful, and full of
tears. It has shaken my relationship with Alan, and we are still
holding strong, but that isn't to say that we haven't had rocky patches.
In fact, we have had many.
It is the man's job to be strong for his woman. To never bend or break, but who is there when he is shaken and hurting? Not many. Women are usually the face of infertility. Women are the ones that take the heat for it, but what about the men? Our problems aren't Male Factor, but Alan is still struggling with infertility. Even if it is second hand. He has been so strong for too long, and it hasn't been easy on him. What makes it harder? Holding everything in.
The way Alan and I fight, is different than the way most couples fight, but it works for us. We get in to a massive blow out about everything else that is wrong, and hash it out until we get to the core issue at hand. This happened last night. Aside from all of the petty drama that everyone has we got to the underlying issues. They are big ones, and they are uncontrollable. It isn't fair that Alan has to suffer silently while I can vocalize my feelings.
These fights involve me bawling my eyes out, getting really mad, really stubborn, and shutting down. This gives way to Alan being able to actually verbalize what he is feeling. When I am done being a pissy little bitch, we actually talk like grown ups. We try to never go to bed angry, or at least we work through some stuff, and say, "Listen, it's four o'clock in the morning, we are ok now, we still love each other, let's talk about it when we both have our heads on straight." It works. It has always been the way we have done things. Since our very first fight in our relationship. It took place in the parking lot of our first apartment.
Last night we got in to it. It was a pretty bad fight, but I knew that we would survive this one. As soon as I stopped being stubborn. We did, and today was a new day.
It is the man's job to be strong for his woman. To never bend or break, but who is there when he is shaken and hurting? Not many. Women are usually the face of infertility. Women are the ones that take the heat for it, but what about the men? Our problems aren't Male Factor, but Alan is still struggling with infertility. Even if it is second hand. He has been so strong for too long, and it hasn't been easy on him. What makes it harder? Holding everything in.
The way Alan and I fight, is different than the way most couples fight, but it works for us. We get in to a massive blow out about everything else that is wrong, and hash it out until we get to the core issue at hand. This happened last night. Aside from all of the petty drama that everyone has we got to the underlying issues. They are big ones, and they are uncontrollable. It isn't fair that Alan has to suffer silently while I can vocalize my feelings.
These fights involve me bawling my eyes out, getting really mad, really stubborn, and shutting down. This gives way to Alan being able to actually verbalize what he is feeling. When I am done being a pissy little bitch, we actually talk like grown ups. We try to never go to bed angry, or at least we work through some stuff, and say, "Listen, it's four o'clock in the morning, we are ok now, we still love each other, let's talk about it when we both have our heads on straight." It works. It has always been the way we have done things. Since our very first fight in our relationship. It took place in the parking lot of our first apartment.
Last night we got in to it. It was a pretty bad fight, but I knew that we would survive this one. As soon as I stopped being stubborn. We did, and today was a new day.
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