Betrayed

In my life, I have felt betrayed many many times. But this is the worst. I felt betrayed by my very own body when I failed to be able to do the one thing a woman should be able to do, but there are ways around that. That doesn't make that feeling go away, though. Now as I lay here restless and unknowing I feel like I am being betrayed by a higher power. Why put me through this? 

I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like I am being punished for something. I was granted this wonderful miracle and now I'm not sure what his fate is. I am angry, and scared, and feel abandoned. Each moment I spend trying to be positive only to have that moment ripped away by more and more doubt. 

I honestly don't know how to get by. The uncertainty is the worst. Mostly because it makes me feel like I am dooming myself and my baby in to a worst case situation. Maybe everything is fine and he  is just stubborn and wants attention. Each reassuring moment I give myself, I take away just as quickly as it comes.

Not everyone goes in to have a fetal MRI done. This isn't a standard practice. But how could something be wrong with the absolutely perfect baby that I have seen and felt inside of me? He is beautiful and strong and I swear he has his father's nose. He is my perfect baby and there is no possible way that I could love him any more than I do. Haven't I earned the right to meet him? Don't I deserve a happy ending? Doesn't he deserve a chance? Doesn't Alan deserve his special father son times? 

I am so scared. I want answers, but I'm also terrified at what those answers could bring.