Madness.

I am mad at my ovaries. They aren't working. I have yet to ovulate. I am mad at myself because I have become something I never wanted to be.

I am mad because my laptop shit the bed. I lost most of my writing.

I am mad at how sensitive I have been with the cold weather.

I am mad that there in never sugar at work when I want it.

I am mad that the Bruins have yet to play a game.

I am sure I will add to this more later.

I wish I were a star.

Why am I so easy to cast aside?

 Sometimes I wish I could escape to the stars and twinkle down on all the people who feel comfort in the great beyond. Floating forever into infinity with the ability to be millions of miles away, yet still be seen and still be ever present. You can't shun a star, you can't look at all of the stars in the sky and dismiss just one. Stars are part of something, a small piece of a magnificent whole, blanketing the cold, lonely, and abandoned. Embracing the weak and fragile and giving them hope. Helping people but never feeling the wrath of betrayal, never getting my hopes up that someone will keep the promises of their past.

 I take comfort in the stars because even when they have fizzled out, they are still seen and wished on. Even if it is false they still offer the comfort people seek. If only I could be a star,  I could burn bright until I ran out of the things I need and then disappear in a grand display. All at once I am a fantastic flash, and then I am gone and forgotten, and there is an empty space where I used to be.

Things I Have Never Said

There are things that we keep closed off inside of our heads. Things we don't want people to know things that we are ashamed of. I am tired of being ashamed.

I want to be pregnant. I want to experience another life growing inside of me and knowing I am responsible for that bean. I want to be able to turn down drinks because I am pregnant, I want to be able to not look crazy in the baby section of a store. I want to be able to feel a kick, a punch a movement. If I am never able to get pregnant it will probably destroy me. 

I don't want to take this break, but I know we need to. I want to keep pressing on even if it means going in to a doctor's office on Christmas Eve.The thought of going through another holiday season without being pregnant kills me.

I feel like I do way more for some people than they deserve and not enough for the people that deserve it.

I am so selfish sometimes, and it sickens me. 

I am jealous of my sisters, and I hate myself for it.

I doubt myself constantly.

I constantly struggle with the scars from my past and I think it would be so much easier if that were still my life.

I put so much stock in my internet friendships and have come to care for them to the point where I value their opinions over  people that I have known longer.

I feel like I constantly let everyone down and that I can never be who they want me to be.

But Alan calms all of these thoughts down. He makes me able to breathe again. He is what turns my mind off and gives me moments of peace and quiet. He takes my crazy mind and all of these thoughts that spin around and around and puts them all on hold. My home is where he is. He is my shelter from this crazy world and this wild ride we are on. I don't say it enough, but Alan truly saved me. In so many different ways. I am thankful for each moment I get to share with him.

I am enough for him, and knowing that makes me feel invincible. So when all of these doubts come creeping in and keep me up at night, I look over at him sleeping peacefully and I lay back down and can rest knowing he is there next to me protecting me from the evil thoughts that I have about myself. He continues to build me up when I am a mere pile on the ground.

Really People?

So we just came back from Black Friday shopping at Wal-mart. All in all it was not worth the experience. I don't like crowds of people and I don't like people being rude and inconsiderate. The only reason we went out is because I was up and working anyways. We will not be attending that location next year. The people there were exceptionally asshole-ish. The people working just stood around doing nothing but talking to their friends. People were fighting or yelling at each other. It just made me sad. Sad that people are so focused on getting an average deal on a new TV that they forget that they are dealing with other human beings. I can never imagine being that way.

Well, I am going to bed to spend some time with my puppies and my husband who I barely got to see today. Good night all!

Insanity

So, it is widely known that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Well, now I truly know why women are all deemed insane. Isn't that what we do consistently? I mean this whole process of trying to have a baby. Each month we do the same thing over and over and over expecting different results. Women to their very core are insane.

On the flip side of that, women also disprove that by repeating the same actions time in and time out, but then they do get different results. So women are an exception to the insanity rule.

Seems to me that the definition of insanity could be the same for hope. Hope is such a touchy thing. It can be good, but it can also bring such a burden with it. With this insanity, and hope comes a lot of stress. 

Alan and I have decided that it will be in our best interest to take a break from all treatments until after the holidays. Of course, we are still very hopeful that this cycle will work for us, but if it isn't we both think a mental break is something we need to reconnect as a couple instead of constantly trying to plan out timing of intimacies and losing the enjoyment and fulfillment of our relationship.

We figured after this cycle, our treatments are going to get more intrusive and instead of just diving in to this whole new world of belly shots (not to be confused with the ever so fun body shots), IUI's, and even further hormone messing we are going to take some time for ourselves to enjoy the holidays and our families.

I just need an emotional break from it all before I pump myself up with even more hormones. Alan does to. I will most likely be infertile after the holidays, and we aren't running away from our problems, we are just putting them on the back burner for a little bit. We are also planning on being very open and honest with our families when we get the questions about starting a family.

In my opinion, Alan and I have already started a family. We started it 6 years ago when we met on a boat on a cold winter's night, and yes, we would like to add to it, but you aren't given a timeline when you are born, and just because we aren't the standard, doesn't mean we are any less of a family.

Hanging Out

So yesterday Alan and I went to visit my mum, then we headed to the mall. It was kind of crazy, but I got a pretzel so it is ok. We ran in to a couple of people we knew and I got to meet their son! He was so absolutely adorable.

Then we went out bowling with Dave and Melissa. It was nice, and we ran in to a old friend and caught up a bit. It's funny. We can never go anywhere without seeing someone! I had a totally kick ass game, and it didn't even matter because no one was even paying attention. Boo to them!

Anyways, today I went out to lunch with a friend and got to hang out with her baby who is adorable! Then we went and checked out Kohl's for a bit, did some shopping, and headed home. On the way home we stopped so I could get my eyebrows waxed. They must have changed the lotiony oil stuff that they use for afterwards because I had such a bad allergic reaction to it. My eye brows swelled up and they were so super itchy! I have to remember to ask them not to use it next time. Now we are back home enjoying some hot chocolate and Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows P2). Perfect!

Tonight we are heading out to hang out with some friends. It makes me happy when I feel like I actually do things on my days off! It makes them last longer.

Visiting Mum

Today I got to see my mum! It is about time, too! We stopped by to give her her birthday present, which she loved! It was nice to see her even if it was in a place of previous employment. It was nice to see some people that I haven't seen in a while, but mostly it was just nice to get a huge hug from my mum.

We used to be able to spend all of this time together because we worked together, but I guess life got in the way of that, too. I miss her, and when I say my mum is one of my best friends, I am not saying that because I feel obligated. She truly is.

I can talk to my mum about anything, and even though I may get frustrated with her and her with me, we both know it isn't going to stop us from loving each other ever. As much as family can get annoying or you feel obligated to spend time with them, my family is truly wonderful and my rock.