Visiting Mum

Today I got to see my mum! It is about time, too! We stopped by to give her her birthday present, which she loved! It was nice to see her even if it was in a place of previous employment. It was nice to see some people that I haven't seen in a while, but mostly it was just nice to get a huge hug from my mum.

We used to be able to spend all of this time together because we worked together, but I guess life got in the way of that, too. I miss her, and when I say my mum is one of my best friends, I am not saying that because I feel obligated. She truly is.

I can talk to my mum about anything, and even though I may get frustrated with her and her with me, we both know it isn't going to stop us from loving each other ever. As much as family can get annoying or you feel obligated to spend time with them, my family is truly wonderful and my rock.

You Just Don't Get it

You just don't get it, do you? You don't get the pain that I feel in my heart everyday. The emptiness is so huge I feel as though it is going to rip me open. And you stand there and tell me not to worry. Don't stress so much, you have time. That time is ticking away each movement of the arms of the clock reminds me that time is ticking away.

Those tick tocks are painful reminders of memories I should be making. Genuine smiles I could be sharing, but I am not. My painted on smile hides away my rage, my sadness, my grief but you just see it as a smile. It has to mean I am happy right? You couldn't be more wrong.Or is it that you just want to keep on playing pretend. To mute what is really going on.

I don't expect you to understand, but I also don't expect you to be so cliche. I am tired. Tired of dragging this burden. Tired of saying, you are probably right, when you aren't. I just don't have the energy to fight you when I am already fighting an inner battle. You don't get it, and I am glad that you don't, but please don't patronize me because you think you have all of this knowledge.

Day in and day out I deal with this, and you are supposed to help me through. You are absent in this war raging on within me and you don't even realize it. You hide away from the conversation and you hide away from the emotions. You are hiding away from me, from who I am.

The Power of a Flower

The other day at work a passenger brought me in a flowering plant. It is beautiful. It has little yellow flowers that could brighten up anyone’s day! I am going to leave it in work to remind me that even though sometimes it may seem like I don’t make a difference in people’s lives, I can.

Sometimes it can be really hard moving on from a job where I had so much impact on the lives of children, and I could see how much I helped them out, to moving to a job where I sit behind a window and sell tickets to the public. Most people disregard me, just as I disregard some people. Occasionally, you come across some people who will have meaningless small talk with you because they have time to kill before their train leaves and they are just as afraid of being lonely and bored before their train leaves as they are on their commute in to the station, without the radio blaring to distract them. All they crave is a little bit of human interaction before they divulge themselves into their status reports or their work e-mails on the train. Then there are some people who you see week in and week out and you develop a relationship with them. Those are the people who brighten up your night and put you in a good mood.

And it is one of those people who brightened my night with such an awesome gift. A gift that will put a smile on my face every time I glance over and catch these gorgeous hues of yellow in the corner of my eye. It means so much to me that someone would think of me in such a wonderful way that they would take time out of their incredibly busy schedule and stop and pick out something for me. In a world when it is so easy to feel unimportant and overlooked, it is so nice to know that, at least in some small way, you have impacted someone’s life enough for them to take a moment and think of you.

I am sad that this passenger will no longer be traveling and picking up their ticket with me, but I hope that they enjoy their new life in a new city and that all will be well for them. Even though they will no longer warm up my station with their bright smile and great outlook, I will still think of them and they will still brighten my heart on a day that it seems like nothing is going right.

Onward to 3

So we are officially going through our third medicated cycle. This is our last cycle without further intervention. Once again, I am not super optimistic. I just feel like if everything is in place and has been consistently for two straight cycles, this one isn't going to be any different. The logical side of me knows that if you are ovulating normally it can still take up to a year to get pregnant. Unfortunately, in this process my emotional side is taking the reins.

I have been trying to focus on different things. Like my book. I have been brainstorming a lot, and I need to start bringing a notebook with me so I can jot things down when inspiration strikes. The more and more I think about things, the more I am getting emotionally involved in my characters' lives. Pretty awesome.

I have to remember to start going out and doing things on my days off and not focus on my sorrow all of the time. Even though I am in this horribly shitty position, it doesn't mean that I can't seek joy from elsewhere. That is what I intend on doing.

Sometimes it is hard to get away from it. I know we have other options if this cycle fails, and I guess if I don't have any hope for myself, I have hope and science and a belief that God will be blessing me. And yes, the two can go together. I hope that I will be able to shake out of this rut that I am in. I have faith that I can. I know I can't worry about what will be in a month, but it is so hard not to, but this month I am going to focus on all the good in my life and just live in the moment. I will worry about next steps when it is time to.

Give me a break!

Aside from the obvious infertile woes, I am having a bad night.

People have been weird all week, but tonight it is just all coming to a head and I am running out of patience. Tonight was going alright until it just wasn't anymore. I got called over to the train to help someone with a wheelchair, it ended in disaster. I felt so awful and was close to tears returning to the station.

Then, a regular customer came up and asked me to print his tickets out. I couldn't because I had already closed out for the night. I told him out system is shut down at 10 and we can't do any more transactions. He didn't believe me and said that I had printed the tickets out this late for him before. No I hadn't. His usual train was canceled and he came in an hour later than he is used to. To asked to speak to a manager, but as we all know I am alone here at night. I told him that, and he accused me of lying once again. I don't know why I would lie about all this. Wouldn't it make my life much easier to just appease him and print out the tickets if I was able to?


Then minutes after that a woman came over to yell at me because the cab companies weren't picking up their phones and that there was no service in the building. I told her to step outside and she would get service. The dome in here affects the signal. She looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes and said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard, and didn't I know it was cold outside. Yes, I control the cell signal and the weather and purposely made it so her night would be ruined.

I am considering hiding for the rest of the night and not coming out until the new year. The new year holds such promise for people...

Tired of the negativity

I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative, again. I'm sick and tired of seeing such stark white tests, yet for some reason I can't stop taking them. Hope is such a bitch.

I just wish for once something was just easy for me, because it never is. I hate that I have to stand by and watch people I know get to experience everything I want. I am going to avoid writing more because I am too damn pathetic to even stomach myself.

Doubt

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. I have had a lot of things going on that I can't really discuss on a public forum, or not that I can't discuss it, I have chosen to take the high road and NOT discuss it. Wouldn't hurt a few people to do the same.

Anyways, I am about 9 days past ovulation, and I am trying not to freak myself out. I plan on testing Tuesday, but I am not very optimistic about it. I am expecting to get a visit from my monthly friend any day now. Next cycle will be our last cycle with just the Clomid. If it doesn't work we will continue on with probably injectables.

Woo hoo, can't wait for that. It will probably end up being $3500 per cycle for that, and a maximum of three cycles. Then if that doesn't work it is on to I don't even know. Probably IVF. You know, the thing republicans want to outlaw because it is murder, or whatever it is that they re saying.

I just have this feeling of inevitable doubt. It is constantly surrounding me, and I just wish that I wasn't so informed. Why is it so easy for the most undeserving people? I don't understand how some people can just have everything handed to them and barely struggle with anything in life, and the good ones always get screwed.