Mother's Day

To all of you who are close to me, I want you to know that today, I am thinking of you. I am praying for you I am crying with you. 

But today is not an exception. I am always thinking of you and praying for you and crying with you. I love you. 

I love you. I am sorry that this day amplifies every bit of sadness and hurt that you have. I am sorry that I can't take your pain away just for a day and hold it for you. 

As far as I am concerned, today is your day. You sacrifice so much for someone you haven't even met. Mother's Day is just as much yours as anyone else's. Take the day to feel whatever you need to. Drown yourself in a bottle of wine or boxes of chocolates or punch things. Why? Because this whole infertility thing fucking sucks. It's unfair. It makes me so angry that people I love so very much have to suffer every single fucking day. The burden is too heavy. You're amazing and you don't deserve this. 

I love you, and I think of you and I hold in my heart all of those precious angels that were too perfect for this earth. Every single one of them. 

National Infertility Awareness Week

So, I know it's Monday, but I have been trying to figure out how to go about writing this blog entry, but I figured I would just express myself and hope that I do not hurt anyone with my words. 

Infertility is something that I still hold on to, but over this past year it has affected me in a different way. I once explained to a friend (who had a child) who would not stop telling me to relax and it would happen. I told him imagine never knowing what his child looked like, never being able to hold her, and never being able to interact with her. His life would be incomplete. That is what someone struggling with infertility goes through on a daily basis. 

Someone who wants nothing more than to meet their child feels that absence every single day of their life. Every holiday is spent with a quiet sadness in their hearts, every time they pass a playground they feel that sting, the void in their heart where their child should fill. On top of the pain of not being able to have their child is the pain of not being able to celebrate fully with their friends and family  on the occasions that celebrates children. 

The nervous sadness is ever present. At every baby shower is a longing for the day they get to sit in front of people rubbing their belly. Every birthday party is a calculation of how old their child might be if they could get pregnant without medical intervention or at all. Every Mother's Day and Father's Day is a dark hole of people celebrating what they long to be. 

The questions from people asking when they are going to have children have been answered time after time. The feeling of disappointing their parents and siblings because they aren't yet grandparents or aunts and uncles yet is always hovering over them. 

Each failed test, each stark white result breaks them more and more cycle after cycle, but they pick themselves up and do it all over again the next month. They go through uncomfortable testing, invite doctors into their intimate life, into their relationship, they get poked and prodded and go through painful procedures and treatments just for a chance. A chance that 7 out of 8 couples get for free. A chance that 87.5% of couples experience with no pain. These people experiencing this pain are your friends, your family, your children, your coworkers, they are the people you see every day and don't give a second thought to. Yet many of them suffer in silence. They carry this weight around all. The. Time. 

If someone in your life is experiencing infertility just knowing you are there for them to open up to can help immensely. Don't offer advice, just be there. Love them, be there, help them. Infertility breaks people. You can help pick up some of the pieces. 

Is any love really selfish?

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts about myself. About how I need to better my life for me. I try to be as selfless as I can be, but I think I am allowed to focus on myself for a while. It doesn't mean I have to stop caring about other people in the process. Over the last few years I have realized that I need a serious make over. Not in a vain way. I need a mind make over. I need to stop being complacent and start loving myself enough to take care of myself.

I have a ton of support and I know this journey is going to be a tough one. There have been several events that have changed my outlook. I look at my son who deserves a mother who can be there for him totally and not live on the sidelines. I look at my husband who deserves a wife who can stop making excuses as to why she can't do things. I look at my grandmother who is 90 years old and has seen and been through so much and can still find room to add more love in her heart. I look at my mother who is still so vibrant and active and I want that. I look at my friends who deserve a friend who isn't embarrassed to go out because she is afraid of comments and judgements. I look at how far some people have come, and I think to myself, I want that. Then, I look at myself and I can finally say, "I am worth it. I deserve better than what I have been giving myself."

Abuse comes in all forms, and I have been abusing myself. I have spent a good portion of my life putting myself on the back burner, but there is room up front for me. I want my life back and I am not going to let anything stand in my way. I deserve more than I have been giving myself.

There have been contributing factors, but I feel like I am moving past them. From now on, I will make myself and my health a priority. Baby steps are hard, but before you know it, you can look behind you and see just how far you've come.

Just a joke?

ISo as April Fools day has come and gone I have a very bitter taste in my mouth. I am sure you have all seen the picture of the baby talking about how posting a fake pregnancy announcement can hurt others dealing with the pain of infertility. If you haven't, I am attaching it in this post. 

I love this. I love the message behind it, but it appears as though I am in the minority. So many people are saying the people posting this need to suck it up and stop being so sensitive, but where is the line between too sensitive and in need of compassion? 

April Fools day never did anything for me.  I think it's pretty stupid, but hey whatever floats your boat. I don't think fake pregnancy announcements are funny, though. I think they can be hurtful and mean. Most people dealing with infertility are not "out" about it, and it's giant outcries like the ones I read all over social media about sucking it up and the like that make people scared to vocalize their stories. 

When has a joke gone too far? When it impedes someone from healing, venting or takes away someone's safe haven. Infertility is something that is still extremely taboo and brushed under the rug. Many women who I know struggle still hide it from their families and friends. Why? Because by opening up about it, you are inviting people in to your intimate life. The relationship you have with your husband is now not only a public topic of discussion with you and your many doctors and nurses it is now open to everyone. Everyone is invited in to your bedroom. 

I guess it's funny to have your Boyfriend, husband, friend with benefits scared for a bit that you are carrying another human life, but I don't think joking about being a life support for someone else is all that amusing. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I would rather respect the feelings of my very deaf friends and be called a prude than potentially do more damage to someone I care very deeply about. 

Dads

Growing up I said I hated my father. I wonder if those words will stick with him. I sure hope not. We butted heads as I was growing up. My mum and other members of my family said that I was just like him and I hated hearing it. I've grown up a lot since then. 

I guess I started to realize shortly after I got away from my dad how truly wonderful he is. When people told me I was just like him, I didn't cringe. In fact, I took it as the great compliment that it was and is. The reason my father and I had a hard time getting along was because I am just like him. And I love that. As I look back I can now see all of the wonderful things my father did for me. I appreciate his humor and his love for a good argument. I love the way he can answer every single question on Jeopardy, but is never cocky about how smart he really is. 

It wasn't until recently that I truly understood just how incredible my father is and I am ashamed of that. While I was in the hospital and being flooded by guests, text messages and phone calls I started getting extremely overwhelmed. I didn't know how to let anyone know this and, quite frankly, I was on the verge of tears as I laid in my hospital bed just nodding and smiling an not knowing how to get rid of the overwhelming emotionally claustrophobic feeling that was suffocating me. No one noticed, which was the point. I didn't want them to. I didn't want to be rude. My dad didn't care about being rude. I doubt he would ever admit this, but he's truly a sensitive guy. He picked up on how overwhelmed I was and he stated that he was leaving making my mum and sisters leave with him because he was the driver.  He was so subtle in helping because that's what dads do. They help you without making a big deal about it. 

My dad has worked on our house for us only asking for a few beers in return. He has giving me countless rides places, protected me from as much as he possibly could, worked his ass off to give us an amazing life, showed us the value of family and love and has molded me in to the best person I could be. I have many blessings in my life and they far outweigh the regrets and I owe a lot of that to my father. 

I have so many amazing memories of him and my mother and how grossly in love they are. Now I can just laugh at all of the times he embarrassed me in front of my friends (and trust me, there were a lot of those times). I think back and realize just how much he actually shielded me and protected me. I am so very lucky to have a father like him. I know many people don't. Fathers are amazing people, but I feel like mine has an added advantage over the rest of them because he is mine and I am so thankful to have him. 

If someone today tells me I am just like my father, my heart swells with pride and a huge smile breaks out on my face and I think to myself, I sure hope so. If I'm half the person he is, I'm pretty friggen great. I love you dad and I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass my whole life. Thanks for raising me to be like you. I hope I make you proud. I'm sure you'll never read this, but if you do just know that everytime I said an unkind word against you or said I hated you I never meant it. I love you so much and I could never imagine a better father and friend than you. 

I think it's time

Time to start writing again. It has always helped me and I feel like it can continue to do so. 

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so overwhelmingly happy, yet feel like I am heading in to a world of depression all over again. I guess it's hard to understand if you aren't going through it, but sometimes I just feel out of touch with myself. Like I'm a shell. 

I try to portray this aura of confidence, but I am a total fraud. The only time I feel remotely fond of myself is when I'm hidden under make up. That's not right, is it? I should be able to like myself when I'm not hidden. 

Sometimes I wonder if there is makeup for the soul. People tell me I'm a good person, but it's hard to believe it. I don't feel like a good person. I feel guilty for things I can't control or things that I shouldn't feel guilty about. Maybe people are seeing my made up soul. Maybe I really am a horrid person and that's where all of these guilty feelings come from. I don't really have any of the answers. I don't think anyone does. 

I am a slacker.

I know I have been exceptionally bad at keeping up with my blog. I have been having trouble sitting down and finding time to write. There is always something to be done, and always somewhere to go. Every year around my birthday I like to reflect on the previous year. The good, the bad, the indifferent.

Social media has given me a way to make this easier. I can just go to my Facebook page and scroll through all of my thoughts that I felt were so important to share to the masses. This year has been a roller coaster ride of a year. I have lost people who I love, made some exceptional friends, created a miracle and saw the best and worst of humanity.

It is weird to think that my 26th year is going to be a year that I reflect on often, but I know that it will be. When I look back on my life in 25 years I know that this year has been one of the most significant years in my life. This year has forced me to realize who I am. There are things about me  that I need to work on, but there are also some really great things about me. Over this past year I have realized what is really important and how fragile and precious life truly is. There were moments of incredible sadness, and moments of greatest joys.

I would like to think that there is a balance in life, but I know that isn't true. Maybe on a grand scale it is, but certainly not on an individual level. I don't pretend to know the mysteries of the world or why things are the way that they are, but I do know that the connections we make, we make for a reason. Whether someone walks in to your life for a moment or for a life time cherish them. Each life has the ability to make an impact on your life and it does not matter how big or small that person is, what does matter is how they change your heart.